Angry Birds

I feel like those who love more are loved less,

One of the best feelings is knowing that both your presence and absence mean something to someone, 

but one by one they all fade away,
Don't hope.
Don't hope for even a minute that they won't,
they all do.
And when a friend leaves one should close the door,
otherwise, it gets cold.
People aren't easy to understand,
and sometimes people choose to distance themselves from others,
to cut all the strings between them,
and to simply let go.
The deadliest fruit is born by the hatred which one grafts on an extinguished friendship,
there are some wounds that are so deep,
so profound that there's no way to repair what was lost,
some wounds just stick there as a reminder for yourself to let go.
they say people are lonely not because they have no friends,
but because they don't have the right ones.
And after a while you just want to be with the ones that make you laugh.
Never ignore a person who cares for you,
because one day you will realize that you lost the moon while you were counting stars.
I am one of those who always stand between friendships and acquaintance,
yet I am thankful for every soul that is or was involved in my life.
I like to believe every person you meet brings something new in your life,
maybe it is something you have always known,
but never paid attention to.
And as every person brings something,
they leave a memory.
Truth is you cannot make everyone happy,
you cannot force people in your life and hold on to them when they choose to leave,
Aren't we all just wandering souls in this life destined to meet at one point?
And if we met at some point,
we met for a reason,
a purpose maybe both of us do not know,
but you only know the value of someone when you lose them.
And during that time period where we met,
my life and yours will no longer be the same again.
I have got to a point in life where everything is starting to make sense,
Me, you and everyone are carving our own path in life,
and along this path we meet different souls,
some of them guide us through this life,
others try to bring us down,
and it is up to you to choose which ones you want to keep.
And that brings our curious minds to redefine friendship,
Is friendship built on sweet words or powerful actions?
Is friendship built on mutual respect or is it built on genuine love towards someone?
What is the exact point where our friendships evolve into something bigger, and were we aware when that happened?
What is the exact point where our friendships fell apart?
Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some things will never be the same again,
The happiest life is a life lived with no expectations,
no disappointments.
Let you define how your path is going to be,
and those who agree to accompany you and stand by your side are welcomed,
As in the end,
We are just wandering souls carving our paths in life.
And if you are losing everything around you but haven't lost yourself,
that means you are still here for a reason,
do not let anyone tell you any different.

Heroin

In a room full of art, I only looked at you because you were the whole gallery,
Why can't we go back and experience our best memories again?
You know it is love from all the pain,
I cannot hold on to love,
I am not gentle enough,
I always end up crushing it between my fingertips.
You say that I am hard to read,
but the truth is you are illiterate.
It has been a year,
and you still sound so sweet.
But I am your shadow at best,
I am the one person you still regret.
But love hasn't stayed around a lot,
let's see if loneliness does.
If I could get the voices to stop crinkling in my head,
maybe I could set you free.
But your mind caged you,
And no matter how hard I try,
you will never open the door.
We are the kind of poems that are not written by poets,
We will never rhyme.
I stare at the dull faded wall consumed by the illusion of being with you,
And pray to survive this night.
The night tucks me under a blanket of stars,
You are made of embers,
so shatter castles with your spark.

Enigma

I hope you do not mind the silence because I am too quiet to say what I would like,
How can I be genuine if I lie to save your ego?
There are so many things in my head all going wrong at once,
and I thought you will be able to fix them,
but now you have become one.
Two of the hardest and most painful tests in life:
having the patience to wait for the right moment,
and mustering the courage to accept that you have waited for nothing.
I would never love the sunset,
because who wants to watch someone they love go?
I believe hope is the feeling that the feeling you have is not permanent,
and one of the happiest moments ever is when you have the courage to let go of something you can not change,
It is 5 am,
Let us sit on a rooftop,
and watch the sunrise while holding a warm cup of coffee with our cold hands.
Maybe then our hearts can feel a little warmth.
Because in the night we will be dancing to relieve the pain,
And all the wrongs we committed will be neglected,
because we are just a couple of young and numb souls,
A chaotic mess,
my favourite kind of mess.

Around the Sun

I want to kill the thing inside me that still longs for you, I destroyed myself so no one else could, I can't seem to find the courage to un-love you and set my chest free.
I looked back on my lost loves and found out I am in a better place than I was, but then there is you, looking at me from a distance like a lost hurt soul.
I starve myself of affection because the hunger is less painful than the rejection, shatter me, and take me as I am and then just destroy me.
I was going to write you letters I won't let you read for each day you've let go, but instead I have written a poem for each day you don't show.
You were the help I thought I never needed.

You shattered me into million pieces and arranged me into a constellation, then hung me up in your galaxy as your new collection.

Words are imperfect, they don't speak to you with the language I want, you asked me for the truth and I could not put together the words through fear of the response you will give.
Pictures don't draw themselves, and neither do you, and all the beauty of yours ends up on a dusty shelf where no one bothers to perceive.
The taste of cigarettes on my lips can never replace the feeling of you, and no matter how high I try to get I will always find myself here in this lonely spot,
I like to think that I am okay,
But somewhere in my soul where the bones and ashes are scattered across what I assumed to be my heart; I know I am far from okay.
Did you give up or did you let go?
I did not want to fix you,
I wanted to hold your hand as we go through that war together.
We were magnets attracted from a distance,
A distance destined to non-existence.
There is no ceiling,
the sky is all above.
Continue to trouble me,
And I will accept all of you.
But she was beautiful like the summer rain and the winter sun,
I found myself quoting your favourite lyrics when I did not know what to say.
I saw a shooting star last night but I did not wish for you,
Reality is different than what we imagined,
It is dark and mysterious.
They say you write about what you are afraid of,
But sometimes love is never built to last,
And I was a serpent in the waters of chaos.

V

You said you knew what is the best for me, you acted like you knew exactly the exact correct prescription to fix my absent ambition and my uncertain religion,
Because every time I hurt you, you said you are going for good now but you kept coming back to add more complexity to this constant state of perplexity that tore us both mentally,
I was the shoulder you cried on in your days of uncertainty, I was your guard technically, but you let everything I do incredibly because of your insane jealousy,
Yet you enjoyed my company, you always found an excuse for me and I enjoyed your sympathy because I never wanted to be left lonely,
I became someone I no longer know,
So, you tuned your heart to a different symphony,
I see that recently you tend to disagree with anything I say honey,
You said we wanted to have this start slow and steady,
But this so-called love lost the integrity when you started chasing me around unexpectedly complaining of loss of harmony,
I hated seeing you grumpy, you were always in my guardianship and custody, I did not like seeing you weak or fragile to this worlds' misery,
I loved the look on that charming face of yours when you called my name anxiously, I loved how you waited by the phone for my messages patiently,
I loved your presence unconditionally - I loved it all
Maybe I was too harsh in the first lines but truth is I am hiding my weakness behind this guard of mine,
I remember when we toured the country to find the best type of wine as if we had any experience in that matter yet we did until we no longer could read the street signs,
Remember when I carried you and walked around your parents' home with your hands wrapped around my neck then we fell and I almost broke my spine?
Truth is sometimes I do not know why we did what we did or how it possibly ended while all our expectations were the exact opposite,
And now all the memories I had with you are placed in a small wooden box in my closet,
And ever since you are gone, I am no longer fun, happy or confident,
Even after you left, I kept holding your photo in my wallet,
But then my friends mocked me for holding on to you in my pocket,
I love you and I hate you and I do not know why,
You were both my highs and lows,
My ups and my downs,
My coffee and my wine,
And no matter how hard I try to weave you a perfect picture of this current state of mine,
I can no longer get those days back,
We obviously lost track and now I can only sneak at you through a small crack of a door you left open,
We were unstoppable adorable mixture of my insanity and your clumsiness,
And now all I feel is guiltiness left by the ugliness of my ideas that I tried to convince you of,
My abruptness drove you to join my constant state of absent-mindedness,
You were my best-friend and your loss is something I cannot comprehend,
You were my favourite way to spend the weekend,
And you made me feel so powerful, confident and comfortable around you I did not have to pretend,
There was this thing about you,
You made everyone feel loved and relaxed around you,
You loved knowing new people but only let in a few,
And I was among the 'lucky ones' to enter your world of shades of blue,
Little I knew or had a clue,
That what I had in my hands was not another deja vu,
You were different in your own way,
You weren't black or white, you were grey,
You were my sweet escape and my favourite getaway,
I hated last September and I wish we could go back to May,
But now this is the price for me to pay,
You cannot know how much I wanted you to stay,
But it is already over,
And I would not find anyone close to you even if I crossed every single border,
No one else would be better,
And now I surrender,
And apologize for the venom I fed you over this period,
I guess it was true what they said,
One is not aware of what they have,
Until they lose it,
And I lost myself,
When I lost you.

Isolation

A sudden explosion of unexpected emotions covers my deluded eyes with fears and uncertainty,

What am I doing here, or how did I get here in the first place?

All the answers my perplexed mind comes up with ends with no response as I sit still in my bed that I despise from darkness to dawn,

They say knowing the truth is just a matter of asking the right questions,

But where are the answers that I have been looking for?

I can no longer tolerate all the lumps stuck in my throat of words that I should have said but did not,

That restless feeling,

When you are standing at the beginning of a dead-end that you know it leads you nowhere,

A moth may blame the candle's burning flame,

But it would still fly towards it all the same,

And I know that I was not born strong or weak,

Yet I know that I once had a ground to stand on which was demolished by the wild ghosts wandering in my head,

But I was infected with worries and guilt,

Those invisible insidious creatures are enough to chase away the sleep,

And leave me absent-minded again,
I never wanted you to see the darkest part of me,

Now I do not think I will ever step out of this,

I do not want to wake up any more to this illusion of a happy vivid life created by my deluded thoughts,

The rain fell softly on my skin but I still felt nothing,

And that was enough for me to understand the emptiness I live in,

How I wish I could be the object of your ambition.

I shall keep running from myself until the end of time,

Although I still believe that I can walk through fire,

But that does not mean that I will not get burnt,

I can bury everything I have been through,

But that does not mean that you did not exist,

I have not lost desire,

But the heart I had.

And now it hurts in a way I cannot describe,

Almost the inconsolable hurt,

The kind that makes it hard to breathe,

You sprung forward,

And I kept falling back,

But one day you will wash away the grime of my memory,

And feel whole again.

Fall

She was a hard book to read,
But perhaps I should have read all the pages before I toss it in the fireplace,
I forgot what intimacy feels like,
I have given up on love,
Because your love was everything I wanted yet could never have,
And then,
Are the songs that I cannot listen to without hearing you,
She wrote love on the canvas of my heart,
Her pen was the needle and her words were the thread that stitched my heart back into one piece,
Forgive me I was so lonely so I chose you,
She did not like that I wrote her poetry,
She thought I was not meant for loving,
And she used to brighten my day with her perfectly woven words that she fits perfectly in a page of her book to later become a part of her,
She said heaven only lets a few in,
And I think I missed out this time,
I have never been a romantic person,
But she was afraid to be happy,
I moved on,
I had to bury all my love for you,
So, you can be loved by someone else.

3:16 AM

I opened the window of my room last night to find cold air in my mind, I felt a sense of peace as the cool breeze moves across my body as I shiver, I felt a sense of ease, I felt -for that moment free of my troubles and concerns that kept me insomniac for a while, I felt like a new person, I close my eyes to cherish this moment as I fall asleep with happy thoughts for the first time in a while.
The night falls as the sun comes up, My alarm rings to wake me up to live another day of this dull routine I call life, no matter how happy I seem to be, I was dead inside, I reached a state of this complex perception that this self-loathing of mine is something I can never unsee, something I would always feel no matter where I am; I pick at my flaws until they are the only thing that I can see and believe, it's the way I have always been, and I am afraid it will always be this way.
I am enslaved to my writing to try to feel something more, I wanted people to see the things that were so far in my head, the things left unposted are where the magic is, they are probably where the solution to my misery lies.
I light another cigarette as I inhale the toxins diffusing across my lungs, I love how it feels when you destroy yourself by your own self when self-destruction seems the only way to have some peace, I have been through the worst that whatever hits me from now on will be neglected. I think I will have another cup of coffee, I do not want to sleep, I do not want to dream anymore, I would rather stay up all night alone in misery than to be comforted by strangers in dreams.
And I wonder what does it feel like to be loved, to be appreciated and cherished by someone, to be someone's special person, to be yours.
I wonder if I am ever missed or needed, I wonder if I will ever find myself among those sleepless nights and endless car drives, I still remember the words of her favorite song, her favorite movie lines and her favorite places that we went to together, I do not think I will ever see her again, I seriously think that I should no longer confine myself to thinking of her, she should not have loved me.
I think I had too much to drink and I am no longer thinking straight, I do not know if I ever did, I should probably get some sleep, the sun is almost up, I hope today is better than yesterday is what I tell myself every day, I hope today is better than yesterday.

Rolling Stone

She weaved beautiful images out of corrupted delusions yet could never create the perfect image of him, and all the corridors she walks through are dark mysterious lands made of fear and ghosts from the wild past she has been through, she was never broken or hurt before but she has always been afraid.
She feels that she was made to understand, not to be understood; Most of the time she did not know how to feel, she does not know if she is happy or sad, all she knows is that she wants to feel love, she had to unravel all the images she created over and over in an attempt to find a solution that takes her out of her misery.
She was a mystery of her own, a girl who broke her own heart so no one else could, a mixture of sadness, feelings and a glimpse of hope in perfect harmony. And all the books she read, all the knowledge she tried to put to heart meant nothing when he left. She wondered of all her broken pieces will ever create something beautiful for him, she wondered if she would ever be good enough for him, she wondered if her life would be anything more than good days and bad nights.. She wonders.
She lived as an outcast in her own body, her hopes were always higher than the roof everyone sat for her, she carried her mother's dreams on her shoulders, a heart so heavy, yet she could walk so lightly.
Her life was a constant switch from a book to another, from a poem to a poet, she could never feel complete despite all the things she does, she did not want to let go of her dreams no matter how difficult they were to achieve, she believed her current life was a shallow projection of what she truly deserves, she felt alone, her heart hurt, she wrote it down and others felt it.
She thought no one can actually see through the boundaries she created, she thought she hid her feelings in a place no one knows about, she thought that those feelings were invisible to everyone else, but everybody can see through her eyes what she hid all the time, it was obvious, and she would be the one to blame for all the trouble she is going through.
There are no words left to describe her instable state of mind, her unsteady feelings or her unexplainable misery; She loved the wrong person, she fought so long for the wrong people, and now she shall wait until someone else unfolds her mystery, maybe this time she can make him stay.

Paper-thin

I felt stripped down,
Helpless,
And the echoes of the words you said to me are still ringing in my ears,
I think about it every day,
Then at night I start to wonder who am I,
And where did I come from,
And what am I supposed to be doing with my life?
I came from nowhere,
And that's where I will end probably,
You said I broke you,
And he fixed you,
And I say;
I would run away to him too if I were you.
I remember spending hours with you,
Staring at the pale moon as we discuss our future,
The names of our daughters and sons,
And how we would always hold on to each other,
And never let go of each other.
I had my universe in your soul,
The stars in your eyes,
I would bring you flowers from the mountains,
Write you a thousand poems,
Fight the monsters you hid under your bed,
Just to see you happy.
But the collision of my universe and yours was not as sweet as we have imagined,
And even that I found heaven in your bed,
And hell in my head,
We both could have made it,
But you were stuck in the past,
While I was trying to drag you into my future.
It seems that when you packed your bags,
You took my laughter with you,
I've fallen before,
But not like this,
I can't feel the wind anymore,
My wings cannot be uncurled again,
I became quiet but not blind,
I can still see the pain coming.
You forgot all the good things about me,
And now that you are gone,
How long do I have to wait for good things to come?

Departure

Last night was another night where I lay in my bed sleepless for hours looking for answers,
It's cold,
And my body became a hollow shell of the person I was,
My thoughts are confused,
And I attempt to find peace at night,
Maybe my 4 AM thoughts made more sense to me than other times,
Maybe I am delusional,
I do not really know.
But here I am writing another story in my head in an ocean of silence,
Maybe I can manipulate the events this time and guide my fictional self into a happy ending,
Perhaps the life I created in my head was happier than my current,
But I did not care,
It gave me a buzz of excitement to seal the perfect end.
I think everything is more beautiful in the dark,
That's why I dwell in it,
So even the deepest parts of my soul are blurred into beauty,
I seeked happiness in a world of my imagination,
A world created by fake conversations and scenarios,
A place only I have the key to access,
Somewhere only I know.
I do not know where did I go wrong,
I was meant to blossom into a bright flower,
But people around me stole my colours,
And now I am black and white,
I am dead in the outside,
But that is what people can see,
No one notices me anymore in a field of tulips and roses with their bright colours,
I am invisible,
And no one could relate to my current state or understand me.
I believed in too much too early,
And when reality arrived, I could not stand it,
The sun is already up,
I have to leave my bed and survive this day,
Maybe tonight I can shut those thoughts away,
As I attempt to fix myself,
And find my colours again.

The Ashes of Us

I want to see your heart,
All of it,
Not just the angelic side,
But the entire complexity,
I want you to tell me all the terrible things you have done,
And let me love you anyway,
I can't wait to sit in the same spot for hours while you take a nap on my lap even though I am equally tired,
I can't wait to have arguments with you and let you win because you mean to me more than my pride,
I can't wait to hear you babbling for hours because your mind is my favourite aspect about you.
I am just trying to find my place within the pages of your diary,
It's almost full and I don't think I will fit in,
You remember too much,
And I cannot understand why you hold onto all of that,
I asked you numerous times to let some of these memories go,
You said you just can't let those words away,
And I am wondering if I am worthy enough to have a spot -Or ever will be.
And some nights,
I lie in my bed for hours,
Staring blankly at the same four walls for more than 20 years,
Thinking about our last conversation,
And my imagination drifts,
I start re-creating unrealistic scenarios in my head,
About you and me,
About us.
But I am quickly stunned by the heat of the sun as it slips through a small space, I accidentally left open,
And the birds by my window are chirping loudly,
I take another sleeping pill as I desperately try to derail my train of thoughts and get some sleep,
I haven't slept properly in a while,
I don't know if you are driving me crazy or I am the one to blame.
They say nobody can explain love,
But could you comprehend how it feels?
Maybe you and I will never ever reach there,
And we will always be an incomplete sentence,
A book with no sequel,
A movie without an ending,
A page of your diary.

Adderall

And I miss you,
I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you,
And I am scared,
Who said love cannot be destructive?
It's the sweetest destruction of them all,
I am stuck between loving you and destructing myself.
And now no matter where I look,
I am trying to find you in everyone I see,
You see, I constantly wrote about you,
But I never wrote to you,
And maybe that was my mistake.
But I can no longer hide my weakness,
And the time comes to accept the truth,
That a part of me was lost when you were gone,
And you left me in pieces,
Scarred.
I hide the fact that I am afraid,
Not to maintain a certain image,
But I hide it from myself so I don't see it,
So, I don't start to think of you again,
And your perfect beauty,
I had to take control over my life,
I had to take control.
When we first met, I did not know I was going to fall in love with you,
It happened after we became friends,
It happened after you whispered your secrets in my ears,
After you showed me your flaws,
Which I found myself liking them.
And my heart, lungs, veins, blood and everything were begging you to stay,
There was a fire in you,
I wanted it to burn in me too,
But I guess I got so close and forgot how it burns,
I burned myself trying to be there next to you.
But none of that matters now,
I miss you,
And I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you.

Echoes of Silence

I cannot understand you anymore,
It's like your thoughts and ideas are netted together in that beautiful brain of yours,
A mystery of your own that I am willing to figure out,
And I am just trying to find a balance between my curiosity and humility.
It's just another day for me to walk in your garden,
I see the wilted flowers you hid away from people,
I see a broken tree,
An abandoned treehouse,
A dry yellow grass,
No one has been here for a while,
No one has taken care of you for a while,
You were left alone,
And your beautiful garden turned into an unlivable desert.
You lived in the shades of blue,
Dry cracked lips,
White broken eyes,
Cold trembling hands.
You lived in a prison created by your low self-esteem and fragile heart,
And maybe,
Maybe you can see what I am trying to reach with words,
And how bad I fail in delivering what matters the most,
I will always fail in delivering the truth when it comes to you,
You cannot be written,
You cannot be summarized in a line or two,
You are a starry galaxy of your own,
An ocean of emotions,
A mountain of hope,
A beautiful mind of expectations.
The truth is no one could save you,
I know I tried but you did not want to be saved.
And you will always be a mystery of your own,
An undiscovered treasure,
A wandering soul,
A free woman that cannot be controlled,
An underestimated heart.

Prisoner

I wanted to believe that the universe was by my side, I wanted to stop running away from everything and to run towards something for once. I had this idea that if you hid all your feelings away from people it will make you invincible, an undefeated champ, but I hid them so well I forgot where I placed them; And all I see is flashbacks from where I once accepted those feelings as a part of me, all that I see is past.
They say the mind is its own beautiful prisoner; Whatever that you do in your life, one day you will feel like you are stuck in a specific time period, your mind thinking ability will become limited to certain individuals and certain ideas, you become trapped in a web created by your insecurity and fear. You feel cursed, like someone put a spell on you to haunt your brain every night with their cheeky smile, you do not know how to stop it or how can you end it; you're terrified.
I cannot understand how the brain works when it comes to love - and probably never will; They often say that there's a battle between your sane logical brain and your anxious weak heart; But they never said who wins. I always believed in the power of the mind to overcome whatever obstacle the human faces, but can someone be determined enough mentally to overcome love? Can love be unseen because your brain told you not to look?
Maybe I lost access to my feelings when I decided to throw them away, I have always lived in that way, I always get rid of whatever that is not pleasing for me and this whole re-exploration process is too much for me to handle, maybe one day all these faces I see will finally make sense, but until then I think this line will be enough to summarize;
I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything.

Lost

And now you're just a stranger with all my secrets, she said.
She smiled softly,
But this time it was different,
her face smiled,
but her eyes didn't.
She was hoping that their love affair lasts forever.
And she no longer knows who she is,
or what she wants to be,
She was lost,
insecure,
like the big waves of the sea struck her in the face while she stood there,
pretending to be enjoying it.
pretending to be strong enough to pull her face out of the water,
And breathe again,
It never occurred to her to give up,
she was determined,
despite the tragedy he left behind,
She kept telling herself that this time will pass,
And that she will be herself eventually again,
She convinced herself that she was okay,
and that it is a matter of time.
She wished that she could see him from a distance,
but never up close.
And a day comes where they meet,
She was turning a corner when she bumped into him,
And she felt her heart break into pieces,
It felt like the exact moment when he told her that they were done.
It was a dark aching fear,
An agony,
She couldn't talk and decided to walk away,
Even though deep inside,
Her hand misses the holding of his,
And her eyes miss his face,
She kept telling herself that tomorrow will be better,
but she has been through so many tomorrows,
and nothing has changed.

Seasons

I wrote about you to immortalize everything I love.
Instead, I made myself believe that you were made of stars and mountains and wonder, only to be disappointed later.
Sometimes i think you’re a storm.
The kind that shows up without warning and
devastates everything in its wake.
It carries your name and your heart
and destroys me without ever looking back
But then i get to thinking:
You’re more like the calm before it.
Cleaning up a mess that has yet to be made,
But it’s obvious to me now.
You’re both.
The calm, the storm
Two sides of the same coin.
This walking contradiction with the eyes of a savior
and a screaming, aching, destructive heart.
Your eyes are the color of angry waters,
but you are the calm after the storm.
You’re messy in all the right ways
magnetic,
A deep sea of emotions and beauty glued by the purity of your heart,
It comes in waves,
I close my eyes,
Hold my breath,
And let it bury me,
And after all this time I think I still love you.

Cold Coffee

You had never come to my life.
I had never stepped in to your life.
We met halfway
You’d been holding childhood wounds and past pains.
Either had I,
You are cursing yourself for being weak,
Because this is the fifth day
You have been in bed,
Whittling away at your soul
Asking yourself why it happened
As tears run down your cheeks
I can never have the courage to say it out loud,
But I am in love with you,
I can feel your laughter in my bones
You have made a home into my heart
I am laying here in my bed, It's past midnight
I am reading the love poems you once wrote and I am thinking about you,
Maybe to some people they were meaningless words arranged together,
But to me they were the way I communicate with you,
I can lay down here for days imagining that those words were for me,
Imagining that all of these wrong turns have led me to you,
But there are still empty spaces in my heart,
Where the flowers you planted once grew,
And though they long for water
No amount could ever fix
How wilted they have become.

Plain simple

She was the plane that never took off,
with a half heart tied to the clouds,
And the other half embedded in the runway,
Holding her tight and never letting go,
To see what the world has for her once she opens that door,
To see how the air feels like running through her hair,
To discover new destinations where she lights her flare,
She had to learn on her own,
That the word had more horizons than the ones she had known,
So, when the sun finally rises to open her eyes,
When she can free herself of all the pain behind their lies,
Only then she will fly,
Only then she will see the beauty of those clouds which she was waiting anxiously to see,
After she discovers all the beauty of the outside,
She will know that 'You cannot live your life with your head in the sand',
So let go of all the things that are choking your heart,
And know for things to drift together,
Sometimes others have to drift apart.

Butter

You become a wandering ghost searching for a soul to haunt
Your words and theories are considered nothing but a taunt
And no matter how much you wanted this to be out of your heart
But you created someone you cannot tear apart
You always dreamed or wished you can go back to the start
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You became an animal locked in a cage
You became a human in constant rage
And no matter how much you wanted to turn that page
But your magical creation is something you cannot match its wage
You always dreamed or wished you can freeze your age
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You no longer see things as clear as you used to see
Your ideas and thoughts are no longer free
And no matter how much you wanted to leave this behind and flee
But it seems that every time you jump, you hurt your knee
You always dreamed or wished you two can have your own family tree
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You became a bad loser, a terrible chooser and a beautiful body hidden underneath your scars
Your goals and expectations are no longer considered a par
And no matter how much you wanted to be his one and only star
But you were made of words and lyrics penned on the strings of a guitar
You always dreamed or wished you can free your heart of this tar
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You find yourself in constant waiting for someone who can change your life around
You are always waiting for the day someone will make you crowned
And no matter how much you dreamed of wearing that gown
It seems that every road you take only brings you down
You always dreamed or wished you can find a balanced ground
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
It's time for you to finally adjust to the reality and its' bitterness
It's time for you to lift yourself and find a cure for your illness
You do not want your life to pass while you were only the witness
Life is bigger than your favorite book, a song you love or your mug of tea sweetness
You always dreamed or wished you can make a difference
But things do not always go as planned, but sometimes that's a good thing

Mystery

You met a man who cannot choose which shirt to wear every morning, a man that cannot be anchored down, a traveler, a hopeless lover, a man who would rarely change his mind, an emotionally-stable man, a man that cannot be controlled, a man that cannot be moved. Regardless of what his past was or what his plans were, it never included you or anyone, all his thoughts were singular, all his plans and dreams were about accomplishing self-achievements, his ego does not allow him to consider anyone as a decent spouse -But you never backed down despite all the hints he gave.
You wanted to know how he does everything so perfectly, how the words he say seem to worth the universe to you, how few minutes of time you spend are considered something extraordinary for you, you wanted to see how different he was than anyone else, you wanted to explore him, understand him and put your trust in him as your saviour, as your own prince charming, you expected a lot from him, you expected a lot from someone who was not willing to offer anything, a man who wants you to be happy with whoever you chose -But he never thought that you may choose him and never let go.
He only gave you the attention he gives to anyone else, he only said the same things he said to everyone else, he did not treat you specially, you were just another girl to him, another person he meets, a random stranger he met and found common grounds with, someone you became close to when he felt nothing towards you, someone you wanted to have more from while all he wanted was your friendship, nothing more, nothing less.
And you played the perfect scenario in your head by imagining him to be yours, to imagine that you could be the one that he turns into, to believe that he might feel anything for you -But you built your castle on sand.
When you fall for someone's personality everything about them becomes beautiful; You fell for the wrong person, you started to admire everything he does just because you did not want to lose him and just because you were waiting for a chance that one day he may change his mind, that one day you be his one and only.
Your admiration is something he is used to receive, he has been in this situation a million times, for him it is easy to be loved while it is extremely hard to love; This is something he wishes that never happens again because every time it happens, he ends up hurting the girl and leaving her with permanent scars -But no matter how strong he pushes you out, you still want in.
He is not the man you think he is, love is blind, you're currently blinded but one day it would make sense and you will be so proud of the decision you made, one day this will all make sense. But as they say: "If you cannot be a part of the cure do not be a part of the disease"; If you cannot fix this man then maybe you should go in separate ways, maybe he is not the man for you, maybe he is a mystery you can never fully understand -Maybe it is time to move on.

The Final Masquerade

It's happened, that moment when all your hopes are shattered to the ground and all you have left is the bitter taste on your lips where they used to kiss you, the flashbacks of where they used to touch you and a memory of how it felt one day and how it is right now. And your subconscious mind tries to convince you that you will get over this phase and everything will be alright, but you know you wouldn't be that person again and you cannot compensate for your losses.
And you no longer have the ability to touch their soul ever again, and all you seem to feel now is solid emptiness along with your uncontrolled hate towards them because of what they have done for you, they turned you down and no matter how long you wait for them to come around and change their mind it will never happen.
Your tears are pouring as you realize that you started to hate the one you thought was your soul mate, your one and only, your faithful spouse. You still miss their soft skin, their perfect smile, the way it felt to look in their wide eyes, to let your fingers through their unruled hair. You miss how they talked to you, their high-handedness, the way they always seem to be in control, sane and solid -You always wondered how they did that.
You wanted to be a part of their life, you wanted to see how it would be to be a part of their flawless perfection, you wanted to be theirs just to see how would they treat your once broken heart. You have fallen for their eyes but their eyes were blinded by the dark clouds of fear that seem to be inevitable wherever they look. You tried to push those clouds away to let they see how beautiful life is once you let go of your fears and open your eyes -But I am afraid only rain takes the clouds away. You wanted to understand how they do what they do, how they perfectly match their shoes with whatever they're wearing, how they seem to ace every conversation they be in, how they seem to be loved by everyone yet not loving anyone. You wanted to take a step to understand the reason of their misery, their cold loneliness and their beautiful madness. You waited for your chance for they to let you in but their egocentricity and their shattered heart always left you an outsider trying to sneak a peek through the windows they left open accidentally, you wanted to understand, you wanted to help fixing them -But this is not a voluntary contribution you do to make yourself satisfied.
All you can do now is to bite your lips to remind yourself of how they kissed you, to feel over your forearm of where they used to touch you, to listen to the songs they used to like. But eventually, you're torturing yourself and wasting your time on a lost love, you're only causing yourself unbearable pain, you're only adding salt to your scars - If you have already lost them, don't lose yourself as well.

Puzzled

It's complicated, It's not about what you want neither what you need, life seems to go in a direction other than what the direction you wanted; It's not that you want something and you work for it and it just happens, it is more of a consecutive failures but that does not mean that you did not take your chances or that you did not do something properly but sometimes someone's intervenes in your plans and it fails, sometimes you lose your motivation and give up.
You come to realize that life does not go on a specific plan, life is not just a timeline of events and your role is just to wait until their time is due. Life turns out to be a series of expectations and failures, a random list of goals and warning signs of the things you try to avoid.
But all the times you failed weren't coincidences, if that was true your life will be a constant downhill towards nowhere.
You have grown up, you became an adult, and all the myths you heard from your childhood about how difficult it is to be an adult turned out to be true, your shoulders are ten times heavier now because of all the responsibilities you have to carry now, And all the simple things you did not have to work for as a kid become a mission you try to accomplish; Things like finding a genuine friend or finding someone to love aren't as easy as they were when you were young; It's not that people changed as they grow up but you're no longer a part of their life plan and every person have their own goals, their own timeline and their own expectations, just like you do.
People will go in different paths, seeking the place where they accomplish their goals and live their dreams, you cannot blame people in their choices and you cannot blame yourself for making your own path and leaving people behind.
People are puzzles, and if your shape does not allow you to fit in someone else's puzzle, you will never fit; You can change yourself to fit temporarily in someone else's puzzle but eventually you will be removed for someone else who will fit your space perfectly.
Eventually, you realize you are not just a wandering piece of puzzle searching for a space to fill, you, yourself are a puzzle, a puzzle you want to fill with people of your choice who will properly fit each specific space to make the picture complete.
And that's what makes us in constant search for something or someone; Everyone is looking for something, some people are looking for a lover, other are looking for a friend and others are looking for a family. We do not always know what we are looking for but we all are searching continuously for the people who can solve our puzzles. Sometimes we find what we are looking for but their space is already occupied or there is a scar in their space that will not allow them to fit in properly and they have to leave.
Simply put, you are a piece of puzzle in someone else's puzzle searching for the proper pieces to solve your own puzzle. And that what makes us different and difficult to understand, you see, you cannot solve every puzzle.

Sail

They occupy a bigger part of your life, the words they say become a permanent part of your memory, not because of what they said but because those words came from their mouth which transmitted those words from that beautiful mind. And everything makes sense again, all your sleepless nights, all the love songs you called stupid, all the romantic movies you skipped, they all make sense now, they are things you can understand and relate to, they are things that makes you think of someone now. Truth is you never completely understood those stuff because you were missing an essential component to achieve full understanding, you were missing love.
A love you found in someone new, a bright star in the sky that you can see from your bedroom window every single night but you didn't notice it before today, a new tale waiting to be written, a new beginning, which probably will be the best addition to your universe.
You fell in love with a stranger, a stranger that one day you will trust more than you trust yourself but only if they agreed to be with you, only then all your lonely nights come to an end to be rejoiced by the presence with someone new, someone who would make you forget all the scars on your body from your previous love battles, someone who would let go of your past to brighten your future, someone special.
Now you know this is love, you cannot wait to be a part of it, you cannot wait to get to know them better; You cannot wait to know how they like to drink their tea, what's their favorite time of the day or what is hiding in that beautiful mind of theirs, You cannot wait to be involved with every small life detail they had, you cannot wait to be the one who wipes the tears off their faces and replace those tears with your favorite smile in the whole word, you cannot wait to be there where they are but something is holding you back.
Your life becomes a constant battle between fear of showing how you feel and fear of rejection; As either one of those would probably tear your world down and bring you to rock-bottom again. You decide to wait until you have the courage to stand up and express how you feel to the one you want, but deep inside you know that day may never come and eventually you will have to let go and move on.
It wouldn't make sense to let go but sometimes you have to, not because of the fear you once had or because you think they are not good enough for you but because you just feel like it is the right thing to do and then you will either live your life regretting not being brave enough back then or you will find someone new who would make you forget the ones you loved before. In the end, you cannot be with every single crush you had, you will find someone who will be perfectly right for you but not today or tomorrow but they are currently out there waiting for you to finally meet them and fall in love with all of their details and perfection. And there is where your ultimate happiness lies, there you will realize your waiting was worthwhile, there you will find your new favorite smile.

Blur

What if you felt something for someone but you were too afraid to confess your feelings; what kind of situation that will place you? I think the proper description is 'love-hate relationship'; but not the usual description, what I am taking about is that you love one party and hate the other; you love her but you hate yourself. And you hate yourself because you are afraid, afraid of the consequences that may happen if you told her about everything, but would you prefer to be rejected immediately or to regret your whole life for not having the courage back then? What if there was a third option; letting her go, convincing your mind that whatever you want to be between you is nothing but a bunch of imaginary scenes that you created in your head, convincing yourself to let go the only person you have ever loved just so you can 'move on'. But a small part of you will still want to hold her tight and kiss her pink cheeks, a part of you will still want to stay up all night staring in her beautiful eyes, a part of you would love to squeeze her and tease her, a part of you would still want to make her day as long as you are around, a part of you would still want to see her carrying your child which soon she will deliver to become the most beautiful mother ever existed, a part of you would still want her to be completely yours, a part of you will never forgive you if you chose to let go.
So, you realize that whatever the path you are going to choose will not be as sweet as you want. And you disappeared from the world for a while until you came with a decision regarding this situation; You finally decided to come forward and let it all out, you're saying words to her directly from your heart as you are trying to show her how much she means to you and for how long your heart was beating for her, you collapse and suddenly your beautifully-rhymed words are combined with tears as no matter how strong you said you will be when the time is right you just couldn't tolerate the situation; there you are on your knees confessing everything you have felt for years for the only woman you loved, there you are risking everything just to have her by your side, there you are so close to be with her yet so far.
And your speech comes to an end as you are out of words and too weak to go on, you look up to her eyes waiting for an answer, maybe a yes and everything you ever wanted becomes a reality or maybe a no and all your dreams shatter in front of your eyes.
And then she finally decides to talk, she finally decides to end this messy situation, you're crossing your fingers hoping for the answer you want. She said she is not interested in you and probably never will, words cannot describe the misery that hit your heart at that moment, and you walk back home in tears to be alone, not only for today but forever, because you know that you lost something irreplaceable, something you will never find anything close to, someone you were willing to give your all but they didn't want to be a part of it, they didn't want to be with you as much as you did, they didn't want anything with you, simply put, they didn't love you the way you loved them.

Rage

We live in a world where people do not appreciate anything you do, in a world where people give up on you and walk away from your life, and you never realize how lonely you are until it's night and you are lying in your bed waiting for the moment you close your eyes and rest, waiting for the moment when your day is over with your hand over your heart as you pray for a better tomorrow.
The next day you wake up with a glimpse of hope, convincing yourself of the idea that this new day is the right time to fix the mistakes you made yesterday, but soon enough you reach a state of acceptance; you will accept the fact that whatever you do cannot erase what you have already done and that this sensation will haunt you every single morning, you start to feel vulnerable, weak and fragile as you see yourself destroying your dreams, destroying everything you planned for and everything you wanted to achieve just because you fell under the pressure and decided to give up.
Then regret becomes obsessed with your devastated soul, and it kills you, it drives you insane to see yourself sabotaging the world you created with your own hands, regret is the worse feeling; when you feel you could have done better or could have said something different, that horrible feeling that maybe you should have tried one more time, maybe you shouldn't have given it all away just because you had few bad days. And it just stays there and watches you aching waiting for the next time you make a mistake so it can creep in your body again.
So, you decide to pick yourself up, and you try to find the missing pieces to achieve the level of self-confidence and appreciation that you had one day, but solving an emotional puzzle wouldn't be as easy as you think and you will feel that you need helping hand that no one around you would offer.
And when you figure out you are on your own in this mission, it becomes a personal challenge for you to solve it on your own and you promise yourself not to give up this time, and a monster inside you awakes as you start to notice parts of your character that you never knew that they existed, you want to make it to the end this time for yourself, because you realize that it would be an achievement you will always be proud of. And once you reach this state of mind, nothing can stop you from achieving what you want, and no matter who or what stands in your way in your life, you know you will always make it through, because this time you didn't give up, this time you re-discovered yourself and this time you became a better version of yourself, So let go of your fears and show the world what you are made of, you little rebel.

Ghost

The world we live in is made incomplete by the spaces between us,
The distance between us is growing by the walls we keep building to protect ourselves,
One moment we are nothing more than friends, another moment we are each other's everything,
This toxic relationship that drove us both into insanity and misery,
We became actors and actresses performing our favorite movie scenes in real life,
We woke up every day to wear the same expression-less mask we wore yesterday to cover our fear and anxiety,
Our fear of the future outgrown whatever that would have been between us,
Our happiness lies in our dreams which you visit every night to say hello to my broken soul,
I went back to the place where we first met to find it completely wrecked,
I went back to the memories we shared to find them completely disturbed,
I went back to find you but you moved out to haunt a different soul,
Our love has lost the will to live but I would give it one more chance.

Devil

The amount of misery that goes through your head every single day cannot be unseen, your current situation will lead you to nowhere but complete madness, the armor you are currently holding will no longer stand for your lies and give up on you, and then you will be vulnerable and every single word will drag you to insanity.
'Everyone is changing' is what you always say when people leave you behind as an excuse to blame others for your mistakes and lies. No one told you what to say so you believed that you are free to say whatever that comes to your twisted mind, you created a snow globe where it snows everyday even though that snow came from the tears of the people you hurt.
I have never met someone who can deceive people that good, someone who everyone said was a wonderful person and a respected individual turned out to be a devil in disguise. I really want to know how can you sleep every night or maybe your filthy soul does not even feel guilt or shame, maybe your long experience in this 'business' killed your sensation of these human characteristics - If you are still counted as human.
I can sense your presence around me, I caught you stalking me few times standing there in the corner like a thief who is waiting for the perfect time to snatch a lady's handbag. I don't mind that to be honest, I actually enjoy seeing you dying for a chance that we meet so you can fool me again with your well-written stories but I am afraid you're out of chances.
You are nothing but a rotten human soul wandering in a body that's waiting to be decomposed. A disgusting con artist hiding in a woman's body. A lonely sheep wearing a wolf's coat to protect itself, but sooner or later all of your methods and tricks will be crystal clear to everyone and you will have no one but yourself to blame.
I remember every single thing you convinced me of, I remember every time I fell for your beautiful eyes thinking that they are telling the truth when you said you loved me. I look back and I cannot believe how stupid I was to waste my time with someone of your quality.
You are always hiding behind your friends which you convince them to 'take the bullet for you', You need to step down from your high horse and realize the emptiness in your soul which you filled with materials and gossip.
I cannot wait to see your next failure, the next guy you date, it's a long list already I don't know what you are trying to find but one thing I know for sure is that no guy on earth deserves to be with you, you are not worth anyone's time or feelings.
Everything you do you do it for yourself and in the end, you will end up alone living in a one-bedroom apartment, getting yourself drunk in an attempt to forget what you did in your pathetic life and trying to make a truce with yourself in order to move on -If that option still existed.
I can see that you are in pain every single day, Karma did slap you back in the face after all the troubles that you made over the years, and now I feel your hatred that I actually enjoy and cherish.
I guess this is the end of the story for you, you cannot fool everybody, you cannot fool everybody.

Angel

Sometimes I feel like words can never be enough to transfer the idea in my head to yours, And I feel like no matter how many words I say you'll never truly understand the warmth of my feelings. It's complicated yet simple, like the waves in the sea during a storm; You can see how beautiful they are from the surface but you can never know the power they conceal.
I like to think of us as two souls who met by coincidence and now, they're inseparable; Like a newborn child and his mother or more accurately like a book and its cover; We are just in constant need for each other and no matter how hard life circumstances could be or no matter what people do to tear us apart, we will always find the map to each other's heart again. It just feels right, It feels like this is the direction we both want to go and this is the only direction where we both will go.
And I don't remember the exact moment when all of this began; I remember our first meeting, our first conversation and our first date. But I can't remember when you became a piece of me, a part of my character, a partner, someone who I would always think of prior to making any decision -even if it was just choosing a shirt to wear.
Truth is, you became a part of me and I became a part of you; And the beautiful mixture of our characters together makes everything related to you something spectacular, some sort of magic that I can never explain. I have to admit the look in your eyes in the morning is the best moment of my day; The warmth of the sun rays as it enlightens your pink cheeks creates a heart-warming mosaic with your golden ponytail that I think is amazingly cute even though you don't like it.
And you just loved how I made you laugh; All the lousy jokes I said and our memories together always drew a big smile on your face; And that smile always made me feel secure, it feels like that pretty smile of yours sends a message saying 'I will never leave' and it was something that I felt, some sort of peace that conquers my heart and soul.
The funny thing is, whenever my friends or anyone ask me about you, I just can't find the words to describe you and end up saying 'She's good' -Well sorry for that. I never believed in the word 'speechless'; I never thought that the human mind can actually stop generating words at one moment, but when it comes to you it is a different scenario. Words can never be enough to describe your greatness and beauty; I can keep talking about our love for years and I will never deliver the exact feelings or sensation.
It's true what they say about life and how it's always surprising; One day you were just the cute girl in class and now you became someone who I trust more than myself, someone who would stand beside me when everyone walks away, someone who I can tell all my secrets without second-thinking, someone I love. And the definition of love was and still always difficult for me to understand; I realized that love cannot be expressed by words, love is felt; Love is that feeling of loss of control but equilibrated with the stability of your feelings; Your heart is racing at one end while your thoughts are giving you some sort of peace and control.
And I loved loving you; I enjoyed every day you laid next to me, I loved all the little things you told me and most of all I loved to cheer you up when you were having a bad day; I wanted to be there for you in sickness and in health, I wanted to live with your ups and downs, I wanted to be the one you can rely on, someone who would understand your soul and love it.
I think I reached a point where I'd go insane if I was forced to live without you; It's just something that I don't even want to imagine, I really can't think of a future that's not built on you and your love. Actually, I think I can summarize what I want in life in one line: 'I want to grow old with you'; I want to take you around the world when we are 70 years old, I want to have children with you and watch them grow to be beautiful as their mother, I want to spend every moment in my life telling you how lucky I am to have such a perfect human being by my side for all these years, I want you to set in my lap while we watch Titanic for the 100th time because you love the movie and I loved it because you do, I want to be the one who makes you happy.
My dear, I want to grow old with you.

Dreams

You could be my one and only
I promise that with me you'll never be lonely
I would hold your heart wholly
But only if you let me
I would erase away your pain
I don't mind if you wanted me to go insane
I would hold your hand every time we're on a plane
But only if you let me
And when the night becomes the day
I will be there to hear you say
That you will never run away
But only if you let me
And as we grow old together
And you realize that it did last forever
I would kiss you in every different weather
But only if you let me
And when our kids grow up and leave
When they achieve everything, they could achieve
I will make each night feel like Christmas eve
But only if you let me
And when you feel tired and fragile
And that you need to stay away for awhile
I would do my best to make you smile
But only if you let me
And when people give up on you and walk away
I would be the only one to stay
I would take you to Spain in May
But only if you let me
And if I ever changed with you
If I started saying things that I don't do
I would be happy if you gave me a hint or a clue
But only if you let me
And when God takes me away from you
Remember all the things that I kept telling you
Remember the love that I once shared with you
But only if I let you.

The Beginning

It's terrifying how people can disappear when they find a 'better' substitute. And a moment of confusion hits you when you don't know whether you should feel guilt or loneliness. It's understandable for people to leave sometimes but I am afraid most of the times people don't make sense anymore.

I've been thinking a lot lately in an attempt to understand people and their reasons; Truth is, people never really leave unless they wanted to, they wanted to be away from you and end the relationship that is between you.

Then why would people get in a relationship they know they don't want to be in? Or is there's a major traumatic event in each one of those relationships that caused the other person to walk away?

We hear 'People have their reasons' a lot but did we ever think about those reasons, and are those reasons strong enough to tear away a relationship? I don't think so.

Then that brings us back to the first question, do people place themselves in a relationship they know it won't last? Actually, after few experiences I'd say yes.

People tend to seek attention even from strangers, People love to be referred to as someone who has a lot of friends or someone who everyone loves. Even if that ruined few relationships here and there. I know no one can keep all relationships alive at once; But if that's true, what gives certain 'strangers' priority over others? Are the relationships we have today a result of a hunch we had a long time ago when we first met them?

I guess that got you spinning in circles as well.

I see that it goes as follows: You never know who you would be friends with or who you would love and cherish and who you would hate or dislike.