Echoes of Silence

I cannot understand you anymore,
It's like your thoughts and ideas are netted together in that beautiful brain of yours,
A mystery of your own that I am willing to figure out,
And I am just trying to find a balance between my curiosity and humility.
It's just another day for me to walk in your garden,
I see the wilted flowers you hid away from people,
I see a broken tree,
An abandoned treehouse,
A dry yellow grass,
No one has been here for a while,
No one has taken care of you for a while,
You were left alone,
And your beautiful garden turned into an unlivable desert.
You lived in the shades of blue,
Dry cracked lips,
White broken eyes,
Cold trembling hands.
You lived in a prison created by your low self-esteem and fragile heart,
And maybe,
Maybe you can see what I am trying to reach with words,
And how bad I fail in delivering what matters the most,
I will always fail in delivering the truth when it comes to you,
You cannot be written,
You cannot be summarized in a line or two,
You are a starry galaxy of your own,
An ocean of emotions,
A mountain of hope,
A beautiful mind of expectations.
The truth is no one could save you,
I know I tried but you did not want to be saved.
And you will always be a mystery of your own,
An undiscovered treasure,
A wandering soul,
A free woman that cannot be controlled,
An underestimated heart.

Prisoner

I wanted to believe that the universe was by my side, I wanted to stop running away from everything and to run towards something for once. I had this idea that if you hid all your feelings away from people it will make you invincible, an undefeated champ, but I hid them so well I forgot where I placed them; And all I see is flashbacks from where I once accepted those feelings as a part of me, all that I see is past.
They say the mind is its own beautiful prisoner; Whatever that you do in your life, one day you will feel like you are stuck in a specific time period, your mind thinking ability will become limited to certain individuals and certain ideas, you become trapped in a web created by your insecurity and fear. You feel cursed, like someone put a spell on you to haunt your brain every night with their cheeky smile, you do not know how to stop it or how can you end it; you're terrified.
I cannot understand how the brain works when it comes to love - and probably never will; They often say that there's a battle between your sane logical brain and your anxious weak heart; But they never said who wins. I always believed in the power of the mind to overcome whatever obstacle the human faces, but can someone be determined enough mentally to overcome love? Can love be unseen because your brain told you not to look?
Maybe I lost access to my feelings when I decided to throw them away, I have always lived in that way, I always get rid of whatever that is not pleasing for me and this whole re-exploration process is too much for me to handle, maybe one day all these faces I see will finally make sense, but until then I think this line will be enough to summarize;
I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything.

Lost

And now you're just a stranger with all my secrets, she said.
She smiled softly,
But this time it was different,
her face smiled,
but her eyes didn't.
She was hoping that their love affair lasts forever.
And she no longer knows who she is,
or what she wants to be,
She was lost,
insecure,
like the big waves of the sea struck her in the face while she stood there,
pretending to be enjoying it.
pretending to be strong enough to pull her face out of the water,
And breathe again,
It never occurred to her to give up,
she was determined,
despite the tragedy he left behind,
She kept telling herself that this time will pass,
And that she will be herself eventually again,
She convinced herself that she was okay,
and that it is a matter of time.
She wished that she could see him from a distance,
but never up close.
And a day comes where they meet,
She was turning a corner when she bumped into him,
And she felt her heart break into pieces,
It felt like the exact moment when he told her that they were done.
It was a dark aching fear,
An agony,
She couldn't talk and decided to walk away,
Even though deep inside,
Her hand misses the holding of his,
And her eyes miss his face,
She kept telling herself that tomorrow will be better,
but she has been through so many tomorrows,
and nothing has changed.

Seasons

I wrote about you to immortalize everything I love.
Instead, I made myself believe that you were made of stars and mountains and wonder, only to be disappointed later.
Sometimes i think you’re a storm.
The kind that shows up without warning and
devastates everything in its wake.
It carries your name and your heart
and destroys me without ever looking back
But then i get to thinking:
You’re more like the calm before it.
Cleaning up a mess that has yet to be made,
But it’s obvious to me now.
You’re both.
The calm, the storm
Two sides of the same coin.
This walking contradiction with the eyes of a savior
and a screaming, aching, destructive heart.
Your eyes are the color of angry waters,
but you are the calm after the storm.
You’re messy in all the right ways
magnetic,
A deep sea of emotions and beauty glued by the purity of your heart,
It comes in waves,
I close my eyes,
Hold my breath,
And let it bury me,
And after all this time I think I still love you.

Cold Coffee

You had never come to my life.
I had never stepped in to your life.
We met halfway
You’d been holding childhood wounds and past pains.
Either had I,
You are cursing yourself for being weak,
Because this is the fifth day
You have been in bed,
Whittling away at your soul
Asking yourself why it happened
As tears run down your cheeks
I can never have the courage to say it out loud,
But I am in love with you,
I can feel your laughter in my bones
You have made a home into my heart
I am laying here in my bed, It's past midnight
I am reading the love poems you once wrote and I am thinking about you,
Maybe to some people they were meaningless words arranged together,
But to me they were the way I communicate with you,
I can lay down here for days imagining that those words were for me,
Imagining that all of these wrong turns have led me to you,
But there are still empty spaces in my heart,
Where the flowers you planted once grew,
And though they long for water
No amount could ever fix
How wilted they have become.

Plain simple

She was the plane that never took off,
with a half heart tied to the clouds,
And the other half embedded in the runway,
Holding her tight and never letting go,
To see what the world has for her once she opens that door,
To see how the air feels like running through her hair,
To discover new destinations where she lights her flare,
She had to learn on her own,
That the word had more horizons than the ones she had known,
So, when the sun finally rises to open her eyes,
When she can free herself of all the pain behind their lies,
Only then she will fly,
Only then she will see the beauty of those clouds which she was waiting anxiously to see,
After she discovers all the beauty of the outside,
She will know that 'You cannot live your life with your head in the sand',
So let go of all the things that are choking your heart,
And know for things to drift together,
Sometimes others have to drift apart.

Butter

You become a wandering ghost searching for a soul to haunt
Your words and theories are considered nothing but a taunt
And no matter how much you wanted this to be out of your heart
But you created someone you cannot tear apart
You always dreamed or wished you can go back to the start
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You became an animal locked in a cage
You became a human in constant rage
And no matter how much you wanted to turn that page
But your magical creation is something you cannot match its wage
You always dreamed or wished you can freeze your age
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You no longer see things as clear as you used to see
Your ideas and thoughts are no longer free
And no matter how much you wanted to leave this behind and flee
But it seems that every time you jump, you hurt your knee
You always dreamed or wished you two can have your own family tree
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You became a bad loser, a terrible chooser and a beautiful body hidden underneath your scars
Your goals and expectations are no longer considered a par
And no matter how much you wanted to be his one and only star
But you were made of words and lyrics penned on the strings of a guitar
You always dreamed or wished you can free your heart of this tar
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
You find yourself in constant waiting for someone who can change your life around
You are always waiting for the day someone will make you crowned
And no matter how much you dreamed of wearing that gown
It seems that every road you take only brings you down
You always dreamed or wished you can find a balanced ground
But nothing ever goes as planned, it's a hell of a notion
It's time for you to finally adjust to the reality and its' bitterness
It's time for you to lift yourself and find a cure for your illness
You do not want your life to pass while you were only the witness
Life is bigger than your favorite book, a song you love or your mug of tea sweetness
You always dreamed or wished you can make a difference
But things do not always go as planned, but sometimes that's a good thing

Mystery

You met a man who cannot choose which shirt to wear every morning, a man that cannot be anchored down, a traveler, a hopeless lover, a man who would rarely change his mind, an emotionally-stable man, a man that cannot be controlled, a man that cannot be moved. Regardless of what his past was or what his plans were, it never included you or anyone, all his thoughts were singular, all his plans and dreams were about accomplishing self-achievements, his ego does not allow him to consider anyone as a decent spouse -But you never backed down despite all the hints he gave.
You wanted to know how he does everything so perfectly, how the words he say seem to worth the universe to you, how few minutes of time you spend are considered something extraordinary for you, you wanted to see how different he was than anyone else, you wanted to explore him, understand him and put your trust in him as your saviour, as your own prince charming, you expected a lot from him, you expected a lot from someone who was not willing to offer anything, a man who wants you to be happy with whoever you chose -But he never thought that you may choose him and never let go.
He only gave you the attention he gives to anyone else, he only said the same things he said to everyone else, he did not treat you specially, you were just another girl to him, another person he meets, a random stranger he met and found common grounds with, someone you became close to when he felt nothing towards you, someone you wanted to have more from while all he wanted was your friendship, nothing more, nothing less.
And you played the perfect scenario in your head by imagining him to be yours, to imagine that you could be the one that he turns into, to believe that he might feel anything for you -But you built your castle on sand.
When you fall for someone's personality everything about them becomes beautiful; You fell for the wrong person, you started to admire everything he does just because you did not want to lose him and just because you were waiting for a chance that one day he may change his mind, that one day you be his one and only.
Your admiration is something he is used to receive, he has been in this situation a million times, for him it is easy to be loved while it is extremely hard to love; This is something he wishes that never happens again because every time it happens, he ends up hurting the girl and leaving her with permanent scars -But no matter how strong he pushes you out, you still want in.
He is not the man you think he is, love is blind, you're currently blinded but one day it would make sense and you will be so proud of the decision you made, one day this will all make sense. But as they say: "If you cannot be a part of the cure do not be a part of the disease"; If you cannot fix this man then maybe you should go in separate ways, maybe he is not the man for you, maybe he is a mystery you can never fully understand -Maybe it is time to move on.

The Final Masquerade

It's happened, that moment when all your hopes are shattered to the ground and all you have left is the bitter taste on your lips where they used to kiss you, the flashbacks of where they used to touch you and a memory of how it felt one day and how it is right now. And your subconscious mind tries to convince you that you will get over this phase and everything will be alright, but you know you wouldn't be that person again and you cannot compensate for your losses.
And you no longer have the ability to touch their soul ever again, and all you seem to feel now is solid emptiness along with your uncontrolled hate towards them because of what they have done for you, they turned you down and no matter how long you wait for them to come around and change their mind it will never happen.
Your tears are pouring as you realize that you started to hate the one you thought was your soul mate, your one and only, your faithful spouse. You still miss their soft skin, their perfect smile, the way it felt to look in their wide eyes, to let your fingers through their unruled hair. You miss how they talked to you, their high-handedness, the way they always seem to be in control, sane and solid -You always wondered how they did that.
You wanted to be a part of their life, you wanted to see how it would be to be a part of their flawless perfection, you wanted to be theirs just to see how would they treat your once broken heart. You have fallen for their eyes but their eyes were blinded by the dark clouds of fear that seem to be inevitable wherever they look. You tried to push those clouds away to let they see how beautiful life is once you let go of your fears and open your eyes -But I am afraid only rain takes the clouds away. You wanted to understand how they do what they do, how they perfectly match their shoes with whatever they're wearing, how they seem to ace every conversation they be in, how they seem to be loved by everyone yet not loving anyone. You wanted to take a step to understand the reason of their misery, their cold loneliness and their beautiful madness. You waited for your chance for they to let you in but their egocentricity and their shattered heart always left you an outsider trying to sneak a peek through the windows they left open accidentally, you wanted to understand, you wanted to help fixing them -But this is not a voluntary contribution you do to make yourself satisfied.
All you can do now is to bite your lips to remind yourself of how they kissed you, to feel over your forearm of where they used to touch you, to listen to the songs they used to like. But eventually, you're torturing yourself and wasting your time on a lost love, you're only causing yourself unbearable pain, you're only adding salt to your scars - If you have already lost them, don't lose yourself as well.