Mystery

You met a man who cannot choose which shirt to wear every morning, a man that cannot be anchored down, a traveler, a hopeless lover, a man who would rarely change his mind, an emotionally-stable man, a man that cannot be controlled, a man that cannot be moved. Regardless of what his past was or what his plans were, it never included you or anyone, all his thoughts were singular, all his plans and dreams were about accomplishing self-achievements, his ego does not allow him to consider anyone as a decent spouse -But you never backed down despite all the hints he gave.
You wanted to know how he does everything so perfectly, how the words he say seem to worth the universe to you, how few minutes of time you spend are considered something extraordinary for you, you wanted to see how different he was than anyone else, you wanted to explore him, understand him and put your trust in him as your saviour, as your own prince charming, you expected a lot from him, you expected a lot from someone who was not willing to offer anything, a man who wants you to be happy with whoever you chose -But he never thought that you may choose him and never let go.
He only gave you the attention he gives to anyone else, he only said the same things he said to everyone else, he did not treat you specially, you were just another girl to him, another person he meets, a random stranger he met and found common grounds with, someone you became close to when he felt nothing towards you, someone you wanted to have more from while all he wanted was your friendship, nothing more, nothing less.
And you played the perfect scenario in your head by imagining him to be yours, to imagine that you could be the one that he turns into, to believe that he might feel anything for you -But you built your castle on sand.
When you fall for someone's personality everything about them becomes beautiful; You fell for the wrong person, you started to admire everything he does just because you did not want to lose him and just because you were waiting for a chance that one day he may change his mind, that one day you be his one and only.
Your admiration is something he is used to receive, he has been in this situation a million times, for him it is easy to be loved while it is extremely hard to love; This is something he wishes that never happens again because every time it happens, he ends up hurting the girl and leaving her with permanent scars -But no matter how strong he pushes you out, you still want in.
He is not the man you think he is, love is blind, you're currently blinded but one day it would make sense and you will be so proud of the decision you made, one day this will all make sense. But as they say: "If you cannot be a part of the cure do not be a part of the disease"; If you cannot fix this man then maybe you should go in separate ways, maybe he is not the man for you, maybe he is a mystery you can never fully understand -Maybe it is time to move on.

The Final Masquerade

It's happened, that moment when all your hopes are shattered to the ground and all you have left is the bitter taste on your lips where they used to kiss you, the flashbacks of where they used to touch you and a memory of how it felt one day and how it is right now. And your subconscious mind tries to convince you that you will get over this phase and everything will be alright, but you know you wouldn't be that person again and you cannot compensate for your losses.
And you no longer have the ability to touch their soul ever again, and all you seem to feel now is solid emptiness along with your uncontrolled hate towards them because of what they have done for you, they turned you down and no matter how long you wait for them to come around and change their mind it will never happen.
Your tears are pouring as you realize that you started to hate the one you thought was your soul mate, your one and only, your faithful spouse. You still miss their soft skin, their perfect smile, the way it felt to look in their wide eyes, to let your fingers through their unruled hair. You miss how they talked to you, their high-handedness, the way they always seem to be in control, sane and solid -You always wondered how they did that.
You wanted to be a part of their life, you wanted to see how it would be to be a part of their flawless perfection, you wanted to be theirs just to see how would they treat your once broken heart. You have fallen for their eyes but their eyes were blinded by the dark clouds of fear that seem to be inevitable wherever they look. You tried to push those clouds away to let they see how beautiful life is once you let go of your fears and open your eyes -But I am afraid only rain takes the clouds away. You wanted to understand how they do what they do, how they perfectly match their shoes with whatever they're wearing, how they seem to ace every conversation they be in, how they seem to be loved by everyone yet not loving anyone. You wanted to take a step to understand the reason of their misery, their cold loneliness and their beautiful madness. You waited for your chance for they to let you in but their egocentricity and their shattered heart always left you an outsider trying to sneak a peek through the windows they left open accidentally, you wanted to understand, you wanted to help fixing them -But this is not a voluntary contribution you do to make yourself satisfied.
All you can do now is to bite your lips to remind yourself of how they kissed you, to feel over your forearm of where they used to touch you, to listen to the songs they used to like. But eventually, you're torturing yourself and wasting your time on a lost love, you're only causing yourself unbearable pain, you're only adding salt to your scars - If you have already lost them, don't lose yourself as well.

Puzzled

It's complicated, It's not about what you want neither what you need, life seems to go in a direction other than what the direction you wanted; It's not that you want something and you work for it and it just happens, it is more of a consecutive failures but that does not mean that you did not take your chances or that you did not do something properly but sometimes someone's intervenes in your plans and it fails, sometimes you lose your motivation and give up.
You come to realize that life does not go on a specific plan, life is not just a timeline of events and your role is just to wait until their time is due. Life turns out to be a series of expectations and failures, a random list of goals and warning signs of the things you try to avoid.
But all the times you failed weren't coincidences, if that was true your life will be a constant downhill towards nowhere.
You have grown up, you became an adult, and all the myths you heard from your childhood about how difficult it is to be an adult turned out to be true, your shoulders are ten times heavier now because of all the responsibilities you have to carry now, And all the simple things you did not have to work for as a kid become a mission you try to accomplish; Things like finding a genuine friend or finding someone to love aren't as easy as they were when you were young; It's not that people changed as they grow up but you're no longer a part of their life plan and every person have their own goals, their own timeline and their own expectations, just like you do.
People will go in different paths, seeking the place where they accomplish their goals and live their dreams, you cannot blame people in their choices and you cannot blame yourself for making your own path and leaving people behind.
People are puzzles, and if your shape does not allow you to fit in someone else's puzzle, you will never fit; You can change yourself to fit temporarily in someone else's puzzle but eventually you will be removed for someone else who will fit your space perfectly.
Eventually, you realize you are not just a wandering piece of puzzle searching for a space to fill, you, yourself are a puzzle, a puzzle you want to fill with people of your choice who will properly fit each specific space to make the picture complete.
And that's what makes us in constant search for something or someone; Everyone is looking for something, some people are looking for a lover, other are looking for a friend and others are looking for a family. We do not always know what we are looking for but we all are searching continuously for the people who can solve our puzzles. Sometimes we find what we are looking for but their space is already occupied or there is a scar in their space that will not allow them to fit in properly and they have to leave.
Simply put, you are a piece of puzzle in someone else's puzzle searching for the proper pieces to solve your own puzzle. And that what makes us different and difficult to understand, you see, you cannot solve every puzzle.

Sail

They occupy a bigger part of your life, the words they say become a permanent part of your memory, not because of what they said but because those words came from their mouth which transmitted those words from that beautiful mind. And everything makes sense again, all your sleepless nights, all the love songs you called stupid, all the romantic movies you skipped, they all make sense now, they are things you can understand and relate to, they are things that makes you think of someone now. Truth is you never completely understood those stuff because you were missing an essential component to achieve full understanding, you were missing love.
A love you found in someone new, a bright star in the sky that you can see from your bedroom window every single night but you didn't notice it before today, a new tale waiting to be written, a new beginning, which probably will be the best addition to your universe.
You fell in love with a stranger, a stranger that one day you will trust more than you trust yourself but only if they agreed to be with you, only then all your lonely nights come to an end to be rejoiced by the presence with someone new, someone who would make you forget all the scars on your body from your previous love battles, someone who would let go of your past to brighten your future, someone special.
Now you know this is love, you cannot wait to be a part of it, you cannot wait to get to know them better; You cannot wait to know how they like to drink their tea, what's their favorite time of the day or what is hiding in that beautiful mind of theirs, You cannot wait to be involved with every small life detail they had, you cannot wait to be the one who wipes the tears off their faces and replace those tears with your favorite smile in the whole word, you cannot wait to be there where they are but something is holding you back.
Your life becomes a constant battle between fear of showing how you feel and fear of rejection; As either one of those would probably tear your world down and bring you to rock-bottom again. You decide to wait until you have the courage to stand up and express how you feel to the one you want, but deep inside you know that day may never come and eventually you will have to let go and move on.
It wouldn't make sense to let go but sometimes you have to, not because of the fear you once had or because you think they are not good enough for you but because you just feel like it is the right thing to do and then you will either live your life regretting not being brave enough back then or you will find someone new who would make you forget the ones you loved before. In the end, you cannot be with every single crush you had, you will find someone who will be perfectly right for you but not today or tomorrow but they are currently out there waiting for you to finally meet them and fall in love with all of their details and perfection. And there is where your ultimate happiness lies, there you will realize your waiting was worthwhile, there you will find your new favorite smile.

Blur

What if you felt something for someone but you were too afraid to confess your feelings; what kind of situation that will place you? I think the proper description is 'love-hate relationship'; but not the usual description, what I am taking about is that you love one party and hate the other; you love her but you hate yourself. And you hate yourself because you are afraid, afraid of the consequences that may happen if you told her about everything, but would you prefer to be rejected immediately or to regret your whole life for not having the courage back then? What if there was a third option; letting her go, convincing your mind that whatever you want to be between you is nothing but a bunch of imaginary scenes that you created in your head, convincing yourself to let go the only person you have ever loved just so you can 'move on'. But a small part of you will still want to hold her tight and kiss her pink cheeks, a part of you will still want to stay up all night staring in her beautiful eyes, a part of you would love to squeeze her and tease her, a part of you would still want to make her day as long as you are around, a part of you would still want to see her carrying your child which soon she will deliver to become the most beautiful mother ever existed, a part of you would still want her to be completely yours, a part of you will never forgive you if you chose to let go.
So, you realize that whatever the path you are going to choose will not be as sweet as you want. And you disappeared from the world for a while until you came with a decision regarding this situation; You finally decided to come forward and let it all out, you're saying words to her directly from your heart as you are trying to show her how much she means to you and for how long your heart was beating for her, you collapse and suddenly your beautifully-rhymed words are combined with tears as no matter how strong you said you will be when the time is right you just couldn't tolerate the situation; there you are on your knees confessing everything you have felt for years for the only woman you loved, there you are risking everything just to have her by your side, there you are so close to be with her yet so far.
And your speech comes to an end as you are out of words and too weak to go on, you look up to her eyes waiting for an answer, maybe a yes and everything you ever wanted becomes a reality or maybe a no and all your dreams shatter in front of your eyes.
And then she finally decides to talk, she finally decides to end this messy situation, you're crossing your fingers hoping for the answer you want. She said she is not interested in you and probably never will, words cannot describe the misery that hit your heart at that moment, and you walk back home in tears to be alone, not only for today but forever, because you know that you lost something irreplaceable, something you will never find anything close to, someone you were willing to give your all but they didn't want to be a part of it, they didn't want to be with you as much as you did, they didn't want anything with you, simply put, they didn't love you the way you loved them.

Rage

We live in a world where people do not appreciate anything you do, in a world where people give up on you and walk away from your life, and you never realize how lonely you are until it's night and you are lying in your bed waiting for the moment you close your eyes and rest, waiting for the moment when your day is over with your hand over your heart as you pray for a better tomorrow.
The next day you wake up with a glimpse of hope, convincing yourself of the idea that this new day is the right time to fix the mistakes you made yesterday, but soon enough you reach a state of acceptance; you will accept the fact that whatever you do cannot erase what you have already done and that this sensation will haunt you every single morning, you start to feel vulnerable, weak and fragile as you see yourself destroying your dreams, destroying everything you planned for and everything you wanted to achieve just because you fell under the pressure and decided to give up.
Then regret becomes obsessed with your devastated soul, and it kills you, it drives you insane to see yourself sabotaging the world you created with your own hands, regret is the worse feeling; when you feel you could have done better or could have said something different, that horrible feeling that maybe you should have tried one more time, maybe you shouldn't have given it all away just because you had few bad days. And it just stays there and watches you aching waiting for the next time you make a mistake so it can creep in your body again.
So, you decide to pick yourself up, and you try to find the missing pieces to achieve the level of self-confidence and appreciation that you had one day, but solving an emotional puzzle wouldn't be as easy as you think and you will feel that you need helping hand that no one around you would offer.
And when you figure out you are on your own in this mission, it becomes a personal challenge for you to solve it on your own and you promise yourself not to give up this time, and a monster inside you awakes as you start to notice parts of your character that you never knew that they existed, you want to make it to the end this time for yourself, because you realize that it would be an achievement you will always be proud of. And once you reach this state of mind, nothing can stop you from achieving what you want, and no matter who or what stands in your way in your life, you know you will always make it through, because this time you didn't give up, this time you re-discovered yourself and this time you became a better version of yourself, So let go of your fears and show the world what you are made of, you little rebel.

Ghost

The world we live in is made incomplete by the spaces between us,
The distance between us is growing by the walls we keep building to protect ourselves,
One moment we are nothing more than friends, another moment we are each other's everything,
This toxic relationship that drove us both into insanity and misery,
We became actors and actresses performing our favorite movie scenes in real life,
We woke up every day to wear the same expression-less mask we wore yesterday to cover our fear and anxiety,
Our fear of the future outgrown whatever that would have been between us,
Our happiness lies in our dreams which you visit every night to say hello to my broken soul,
I went back to the place where we first met to find it completely wrecked,
I went back to the memories we shared to find them completely disturbed,
I went back to find you but you moved out to haunt a different soul,
Our love has lost the will to live but I would give it one more chance.