Ink

Dear Friend,

I think you deserve the world but somewhere along the road, you've been beaten way too many times. I know how you've been feeling today. Your life feels empty, and the sad truth is that you don't have anybody to blame for anything that's happened. Unlike most people, you haven't blamed yourself, because you know you have done everything in your capacity to make things work, to make things happen. I know how ambitious you are, and you do everything you need to do to make your parents proud, to make them happy again. You have no one to share your pain with. Mainly since your pain isn't because of some tragic accident or loss of life, neither is it because of a sappy breakup or a nasty flu.

And I think life has a way of hitting you a little harder in the morning than it does at night. You see at night, there is this chance of sleep. Of forgetting. Of something better. But in the morning? It all hits you at once when you realize exactly where things are at, it slams you down into your bed as you watch a recap of all the highlights of the things you were trying to forget.

And you can feel your true self breaking down a little bit more with every passing day. There's so much that you want to do and you know you have it in you, yet it's always a dead end. But you will survive this. One of these days you are going to have to learn not to be afraid. What good are wonderful days if you spend them worrying they won't last? That's a regretful waste, isn't it?.

You look back in time and see a different version of yourself, someone you can’t recognize now. You have no idea how to define yourself anymore. You were a social maniac and have always found yourself the most comfortable among people, lots and lots of people, friends, foes, family, strangers and you managed to plant a seed of memory into everyone you’ve ever met.

Now you’re uncomfortable to be around people, you repel even making a healthy eye contact with someone passing by. I know you aren’t scared or tense to interact with them - to ask how they’re doing, but you’ve lost the urge to make bonds anymore.

You’ve met all kinds of people, seen through each one of them but you’ve realized that no matter how well you know and understand them, you walk right into a boulder beyond which you cannot see, beyond which you know there’s a spot where all their weaknesses lie, and you peek between the brick walls and recoil back - you have seen the ugly side.

This side of them is nasty and no matter what is said or done following it, you’ve lost your trust, you just can’t go back to square one all over again. You know you can never be the same with them again. And as you walk away from them, you know they’ve taken off a small chunk out of you. These chunks total up to the whole of you and you lose yourself running away from them. You cannot risk losing anymore. So you walk alone, and every day you die a little more.

You now focus on the few people you trust and you’d do anything for them. I know very well how greatly you suck at expressing your love towards these people, somehow you feel that if you reveal it to them you’ll lose the love you have for them, they’re eager and hope to hear it from you. Your family wants to hear you say that you love them. But you just cannot, because you’ve never learned how to. You’ve never told anyone confidently the way they show it movies, to confess love. You love them too much, it’s scary to say it out loud. But you show it in ways nobody ever does.

You have your own weird ways, only if they could listen. Only if they could listen when you scream at them and cry out of guilt the very next moment, when you swear at them now and internally curse yourself next, when you ignore them because you do not want to say you’re sorry, when you plan big to see them happy, when you struggle to smile even as you’re dying inside only so that they don’t sense your sadness.

You are scared to express that you are vulnerable and you are scared to admit that you are scared. You prefer to be an emotionless robot to them because you’ll never be able to prove how much you really care. They distance themselves from you naturally, and again, you die a little bit inside.

But you know you’re amazing at being a lion/ess when you want to, your wounds make you stronger and that’s how you like seeing yourself - a lion/ess on the hunt. And you walk with all your pride as you walk by the people that you’d rather have by your side, again you die a little inside, yet you walk alone with all your pride.

So this is a letter to open your eyes to what you can achieve, to all the dreams you can still make true. The world is yours to conquer. It's out there waiting for you. You know that it's never too late and that you can do the impossible. I will always believe in you.

Loads of love,

Your friend.

Initiation

Whenever we fail to make a decision, we fail to grow.

As we approach each of life’s proverbial forks in the road, we are not faced merely with two potential courses of action; rather, as many as four choices appear in front of us at each fork.

The right path. Often the correct decision is glaring: the right path is illuminated, clear for miles, obvious to everyone. Whenever this is the case, seize the opportunity—take the right path.

The wrong path. There are some paths that are blatantly incorrect, filled with obstacles and venomous creatures lurking about. Avoid these routes, even when they appear to be beautiful, tantalizing, or easy. The wrong path narrows quickly but every step makes it harder to turn back.

The left path. Sometimes the fork presents two equally viable options: the right path is right, but so is the left—or maybe you cannot tell which path is correct. In these instances, it is most important to simply pick either path, using all available relevant information, and keep moving forward. Even if we pick the wrong path, we grow from the failure; There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths.

No path. When we are faced with two unknown paths—left and right—we often freeze with indecision, stuck in our decision-making paralysis. This is the worst option of all: not deciding is always a bad decision.

How far can you go down the wrong path before you can't get back on the right one?

No matter which path you are on, always do this: Question your path! If you are on the wrong path, change it; no matter on which mile of the road, change it! Till you find the right path, change all the paths.

Escaping your path

There’s no way to undo the weeks, months or years that have passed: they’re gone. Wishing that you’d made different choices, or that you’d had better advice, is a waste of time. You can’t change the past. But you don’t need to start again from the beginning of the path. You can cut through the woods.

Into the sunlight 

There will come a moment, one shining day, when you hack through the last of the tangled brambles to stand blinking in the sunlight. Your feet are on your new path, which turns and twists through the pleasant greenery, and the birdsong above brings an instant feeling of calm as soon as you step out into the light. 

Crests and Troughs

Beginnings are either the most alluring experiences or the most unsettling; and behind every beginning there's a decision that have been made consciously as we seek unaccustomed exposures, unfamiliar stages and new encounters. We face new challenges constantly in an attempt to re-architect our lives, to find an escape from the persistent state of dullness, to sense a touch of difference and to experience a rebirth of our rebel souls.

We are all dreamers, some have already achieved what they have been dreaming about, others are going through the tunnel waiting for the light and some of us are still holding a pen and a piece of paper writing down their dreams and their distinct plans for success.

But let me reiterate. It's not all the beginnings that matter, it's the constant will to hold on to the decision you have made, it's all about finding the strength to continue where others have given up, and with every passing hour that you stick to your plan you are making progress, you are achieving something remarkable.

And you have been through failures before, we all did. Things did not work out then because, well, greater things were in the works. It's so difficult sometimes when we are blind and don't know which way is up. But if you have faith in anything, have a faith that the universe has a beautiful way of strengthening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful -or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things did not work out the way you wanted them to. You will be delighted that you failed at some point that it led you into something bigger and more rewarding.

Just a reminder in case your brain was playing tricks on you today; remember how far you have come not just how far you have to go, you are not where you want to be yet, neither are you where you used to be. You are making a progress, and good things come to those who wait. There's a difference between knowing the path and walking through it.

Life expands and shrinks on the proportion of your willingness to take risks and try new things; a big bulk of your life is spent making plans, writing down ideas and embracing the future while we often tend to forget that the key to success is the solid determination and refusal to give up.

This is a letter to all those who gave up on themselves at one point; there will be doubters, there will be haters, there will be non-believers and then, there will be you, proving them wrong!

Simply put, there are three rules in life:
1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it.
2. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.
3. The moment when you decide to quit, is the moment when you need to pushing yourself.

If there's just one piece of advice I can give you. It's this, when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you have lost hope, ask yourself in 10 years from now, you're going to wish you gave it just one more shot, because the best things in life, they don't come free.

Life is full of near misses; maybe love, and almost kisses, reaching close but falling short, broken promises and lost friends breaking apart right near the end, hearts almost loved one time, words that had the chance to rhyme, puzzles pieces scattered far, standards not quite up to par. But in the end, it's up to you, to tie the ends and make it through.

You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have been and every person you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected and we are all affected by the decisions and existence of those around us. Know your value!

It's not necessary to prove yourself to anyone. Do your best, that's all you can ask yourself, if you did your best and things did not work out, you don't owe an apology to anyone and you certainly don't need to feel bad about it - or, worse yet, guilty. Stop beating yourself up, you are not the 'villain' here, what happened is what happened, and there's a reason, I promise you.

Walk outside on a clear night and just look up into the sky. Take a moment to realize you are sitting on a planet spinning around in the middle of absolute nowhere. Sometimes it takes a bit of perspective to remember what's really important. You are alive and you are here, you have the potential to be anything. So let go of what's holding you back and dream, believe, breathe.

You have always had the power my dear, you just have to learn it for yourself. Never let your failure get to your heart. In the end we will all become stories, make yours worth reading!

Asterisk

I make myself a freshly prepared cup of coffee every morning, hold it softly in the palms of my hands, hoping it gives me sanity, perspective and the ability to make sense of it all. It's the bitterness of the coffee that I can relate to the most. Another paper cup, another mug, and no matter how much caffeine I pump through my fragile body, I am yet unable to figure it out, that the life I am living is a closed circle of corrupted emotions.

I put on my favorite running shoes, take long walks down the crowded streets of the city with my favorite tunes playing through my ears, another cigarette, another drug running through my veins. I am trembling with anxiety, lost between my past and present, a tangle of emotions, a mess.

I understand now that life is different than what I used to believe, that sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart, as for now all I feel is emptiness all around me, surrounding me tightly, and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. Most of the time I don't know if I should feel happy or sad, I don't know if I feel anything at all.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep I have or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up, my soul is tired. And I am not sure whether I was the only one going through all of this, or if I will snap out of this, if I ever will.

I hate days where nothing happens. They end the same way they began; Nothing has changed, nothing exists to be remembered. Your mind feels dry and uninspired, and all of time just feels pointless. A white box on the calendar, there only so you can tick it off.

I need something different, I don't know what it is, but I need something new. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life. I am ready to grow and get better. To simply exist just because one's been born is the sort of notion that I hate. I can't stand it.

It's getting harder to believe in anything now, it's not the type of tired you can sleep away, you wouldn't understand. I exist too much, I feel too much, think too much. Reality is crushing the life out of me.

I have ruined a lot of things lately, and I don't know how to fix them. I don't blame anyone, I did this to myself, it's my fault, everything is.

Pisces

I stay up all night waiting for the sun to rise, so I can climb through the small window in my attic, swaying slightly on my feet in my pajamas, to catch a glimpse of the sunrays, to have a moment of peace. I inhale a fresh breeze of pure summer air and I seize this special hour everyday wholeheartedly. As for a moment, all the accumulated fatigue from my sleepless nights, all my thoughts and my wonders are no longer there.

I have always been infatuated with early mornings when it feels like the rest of the world is still fast asleep and you are the only one who is awake. And everything feels like it is not really real and you kind of forget all your problems because for now, it's just you, the world and the sunrise.
I believe there's a certain power to mornings, an unmatched refreshing source of energy, and I relish those special moments of glory, I savour every second. Because in these hours, everything is different.

My life has became a canvas that everyone gets to paint in but me, and in those mornings is when I have some sort of freedom, an exquisite moment of solitary, a kind of control over my chaotic style of living that I desperately chose, and you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I have learned early in life that people leave and that people like me are meant to be alone. Sometimes I feel that I deserve no one because I am honestly hard to understand and people will always get tired of me and give up. I am a mess, inside out.

I am a walking contradiction; an asshole with a heart of gold. I will show you what love should really look like but make sure to leave before any of it unfolds. I will be demanding attention while keeping at bay. I have my fear of commitment solidly embedded in me.

I am a contradiction, of emotion and impulse, of loneliness and the constant need to be with someone, of holding on and letting go.

I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I am lazy, yet ambitious. I don't like myself, but I love who I am. I say I don't care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way, I am a hopeless romantic, and a desperate realistic, I want to go out, but prefer to stay in. I feel the need to be bold, but I be shy instead. I try to be confident, but come out weak. I want recognition, but I don't need attention. I like to be alone, but I can't distance myself from people. I am a conflicted contradiction. If I can't figure myself out, there's no way anyone else has.
I am desperately looking for balance in my life, I want to be positive but I am so cynical. I want to find love, but I don't believe in it anymore. I am insecure, but I am strong. I turn my hands into fists, but I am collapsing inside. I am continuously seeking any type of stability, I am waiting for a moment to flourish and turn my life around, but I also want to give up.

The sun is up, it's 7 am. I walk back inside with a head filled with contrasting emotions, I fluff my pillow and I lay my hefty head. I take a deep breath and I close my sleep deprived eyes. I sleep through the day and wait for another sparkle of hope. I wait, for another sunrise.

Sunrise

You come home alone, make yourself some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there's silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that's loneliness or freedom. I never realize how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while.

I like being alone, at least I convince myself that I am better off that way, I think it is very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. Sometimes when life gets chaotic, you need to be alone, isolated from everyone by choice, a sort of chosen loneliness, and somewhere through it all, you will find yourself.

And today I realized,
that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I tell everyone to keep holding on, that there's a light at the end, that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait.
I always tell people to have hope. that they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, that they have so much to live for.

Then there is me,
and I am barely holding on.
I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.
It surrounded me beautifully, I have started again and again but I feel like running against the same walls inside my head. The bad things stay with you, you can't escape them, even if you want to.
Sometimes I think I am crazy because I see things differently than everyone else. I am up to my ears in unwritten words, random thoughts racing through my mind, and through it all, I believe that, lost is a wonderful place to find yourself.

When something bothered me, I didn't talk to anyone about it. I thought it all over by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I felt lonely, I thought that's that's just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own.

I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be, and sometimes I wonder, am I who I want to be, and I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons, and maybe we will never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there, we can still do things, and we can try to feel okay about them.

But here I am, trying to think of a million beautiful ways to say that I am lonely, constantly trying to reiterate, but this is not beautiful. This is pain, and suffering, and sadness, and loss. This is loneliness.

And let me tell you about loneliness.

Loneliness is constantly waking up feeling empty, always waiting for something to happen, loneliness is coming home to frozen dinners, a cold bed and long nights filled with contrasting emotions.

And you know what sucks?
Realizing that everything you believe in, is complete and utter bullshit.

Truth it, I am afraid of getting older, I am afraid of getting married, spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote, I want to be free, I want to be alone.

Tourmaline

I grab a piece of paper, a pen and with trembling fingers I write,
As the ink starts to pour down on the plain white paper,
A paradox of conflicting emotions baffles me,
Has anything I have done made my life better?
I have spent so much time in my head and in my heart that I forgot to live in my body,
And sometimes,
Somewhere through those gloomy nights,
A sudden gush of emotions runs through my veins,
And I question my fragile self,
Who am I?
I sigh.
Is this really how I wanted my life to be, 
Or
Did I lose track?
I feel disconnected from myself,
As if the words I say never live up to the thoughts in my head.
I am constantly trying to explain myself in different sets of words,
And I fell in love with words,
Persistently attempting to place them gently in sentences to create the perfect meanings,
And in case you were wondering,
Yes,
I fail,
I fail every time.
And I am running in circles,
Or is it a figure of 8?
Because every once and while I come across a point where I think I have figured it all out,
only to be lost again.
I don't know,
How can someone be this empty?
Who takes it out of you?
But there is a certain beauty to chaos,
A glimpse of perfection through all the madness,
And a hint of relief through sadness,
Only if you know how to look,
Only if you care enough to know.
And I think..
You don't think about appreciating a moment until it's over,
When you don't have those same feelings you couldn't quite distinguish,
or recognize before.
Sometimes it's years after it has happened,
Sometimes it's just a few moments before it ends.
That feeling you're feeling,
It's called nostalgia.
It's what make us human;
To be able to look back at a specific period of time,
and recognize the unbelievable amount of value a specific event had.
and I am nostalgic,
I miss all those days when things were different than how they are today,
When life wasn't complicated,
When..uh..
Everything was simple,
And I..
I was happy,
I was happy then...
The human body is a magnificent machine;
It has tremendous levels of endurance and unmatched stamina,
We can go through rivers and their turbulent rapids,
Climb mountains that are hundreds of meters high,
We are pretty much strong aren't we?
Theoretically yes,
Except that,
Every species has their weaknesses,
And ours,
Is the heart.
We often feel too much,
Or nothing at all.
There's no in between;
If you are cold,
you hurt people.
If you are sensitive,
they hurt you.
And I am tired of all of this.
I thought I just needed a night's sleep, but it's more than that.
And believe me,
Life isn't always what it seems,
And you don't know what people are going through.
My daily routine is...
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think,
All the walks I want to take,
All the songs I want to hear,
And all the friends I want to see.
I think we tend to write because it's rare that we're listened to,
Maybe somewhere between these lines,
I can be understood the way I want to be.
I have never known what I wanted from life,
and I often drive myself crazy,
I have never found a place where I belong,

How is it possible for the world to be so beautiful and so cruel at the same time?

I shake my head in disbelief.
And as we continue to destroy each other's lives,
The universe looks and weeps,
And I do all these things for other people,
and then I wake up and I am empty,
I have nothing.
I don't know what it is that has got me so beautifully blind,
It feels like I am constantly being haunted by all the people I let down,
by letting myself down.
Everything alters me, but nothing changes me.
I am..
I am a tangled tale which is yet to be told,
I am lonely more than you can ever imagine,
The worst part about being lonely is when you are around people,
In a room full of people,
parts of you still feel missing.
You feel like there's a black hole in your chest that's going to rip you apart.
You feel weak
I take a deep breath,
Inhale, Exhale.
Listening to the sound of my heartbeat,
It's so calm and terrifying at the same time.
In that exact moment,
just for one minute,
I feel fine,
and I close my eyes,
I am alone again,
Sitting silently,
The breeze hounds at my window,
and rattles wooden frames,
I am paralyzed,
by the heaviness on my heart,
but despite all what has been said and done,
I will believe that..
I will believe that in me exists the strength to move.