Pisces

I stay up all night waiting for the sun to rise, so I can climb through the small window in my attic, swaying slightly on my feet in my pajamas, to catch a glimpse of the sunrays, to have a moment of peace. I inhale a fresh breeze of pure summer air and I seize this special hour everyday wholeheartedly. As for a moment, all the accumulated fatigue from my sleepless nights, all my thoughts and my wonders are no longer there.

I have always been infatuated with early mornings when it feels like the rest of the world is still fast asleep and you are the only one who is awake. And everything feels like it is not really real and you kind of forget all your problems because for now, it's just you, the world and the sunrise.
I believe there's a certain power to mornings, an unmatched refreshing source of energy, and I relish those special moments of glory, I savour every second. Because in these hours, everything is different.

My life has became a canvas that everyone gets to paint in but me, and in those mornings is when I have some sort of freedom, an exquisite moment of solitary, a kind of control over my chaotic style of living that I desperately chose, and you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I have learned early in life that people leave and that people like me are meant to be alone. Sometimes I feel that I deserve no one because I am honestly hard to understand and people will always get tired of me and give up. I am a mess, inside out.

I am a walking contradiction; an asshole with a heart of gold. I will show you what love should really look like but make sure to leave before any of it unfolds. I will be demanding attention while keeping at bay. I have my fear of commitment solidly embedded in me.

I am a contradiction, of emotion and impulse, of loneliness and the constant need to be with someone, of holding on and letting go.

I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I am lazy, yet ambitious. I don't like myself, but I love who I am. I say I don't care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way, I am a hopeless romantic, and a desperate realistic, I want to go out, but prefer to stay in. I feel the need to be bold, but I be shy instead. I try to be confident, but come out weak. I want recognition, but I don't need attention. I like to be alone, but I can't distance myself from people. I am a conflicted contradiction. If I can't figure myself out, there's no way anyone else has.
I am desperately looking for balance in my life, I want to be positive but I am so cynical. I want to find love, but I don't believe in it anymore. I am insecure, but I am strong. I turn my hands into fists, but I am collapsing inside. I am continuously seeking any type of stability, I am waiting for a moment to flourish and turn my life around, but I also want to give up.

The sun is up, it's 7 am. I walk back inside with a head filled with contrasting emotions, I fluff my pillow and I lay my hefty head. I take a deep breath and I close my sleep deprived eyes. I sleep through the day and wait for another sparkle of hope. I wait, for another sunrise.