Ink

Dear Friend,

I think you deserve the world but somewhere along the road, you've been beaten way too many times. I know how you've been feeling today. Your life feels empty, and the sad truth is that you don't have anybody to blame for anything that's happened. Unlike most people, you haven't blamed yourself, because you know you have done everything in your capacity to make things work, to make things happen. I know how ambitious you are, and you do everything you need to do to make your parents proud, to make them happy again. You have no one to share your pain with. Mainly since your pain isn't because of some tragic accident or loss of life, neither is it because of a sappy breakup or a nasty flu.

And I think life has a way of hitting you a little harder in the morning than it does at night. You see at night, there is this chance of sleep. Of forgetting. Of something better. But in the morning? It all hits you at once when you realize exactly where things are at, it slams you down into your bed as you watch a recap of all the highlights of the things you were trying to forget.

And you can feel your true self breaking down a little bit more with every passing day. There's so much that you want to do and you know you have it in you, yet it's always a dead end. But you will survive this. One of these days you are going to have to learn not to be afraid. What good are wonderful days if you spend them worrying they won't last? That's a regretful waste, isn't it?.

You look back in time and see a different version of yourself, someone you can’t recognize now. You have no idea how to define yourself anymore. You were a social maniac and have always found yourself the most comfortable among people, lots and lots of people, friends, foes, family, strangers and you managed to plant a seed of memory into everyone you’ve ever met.

Now you’re uncomfortable to be around people, you repel even making a healthy eye contact with someone passing by. I know you aren’t scared or tense to interact with them - to ask how they’re doing, but you’ve lost the urge to make bonds anymore.

You’ve met all kinds of people, seen through each one of them but you’ve realized that no matter how well you know and understand them, you walk right into a boulder beyond which you cannot see, beyond which you know there’s a spot where all their weaknesses lie, and you peek between the brick walls and recoil back - you have seen the ugly side.

This side of them is nasty and no matter what is said or done following it, you’ve lost your trust, you just can’t go back to square one all over again. You know you can never be the same with them again. And as you walk away from them, you know they’ve taken off a small chunk out of you. These chunks total up to the whole of you and you lose yourself running away from them. You cannot risk losing anymore. So you walk alone, and every day you die a little more.

You now focus on the few people you trust and you’d do anything for them. I know very well how greatly you suck at expressing your love towards these people, somehow you feel that if you reveal it to them you’ll lose the love you have for them, they’re eager and hope to hear it from you. Your family wants to hear you say that you love them. But you just cannot, because you’ve never learned how to. You’ve never told anyone confidently the way they show it movies, to confess love. You love them too much, it’s scary to say it out loud. But you show it in ways nobody ever does.

You have your own weird ways, only if they could listen. Only if they could listen when you scream at them and cry out of guilt the very next moment, when you swear at them now and internally curse yourself next, when you ignore them because you do not want to say you’re sorry, when you plan big to see them happy, when you struggle to smile even as you’re dying inside only so that they don’t sense your sadness.

You are scared to express that you are vulnerable and you are scared to admit that you are scared. You prefer to be an emotionless robot to them because you’ll never be able to prove how much you really care. They distance themselves from you naturally, and again, you die a little bit inside.

But you know you’re amazing at being a lion/ess when you want to, your wounds make you stronger and that’s how you like seeing yourself - a lion/ess on the hunt. And you walk with all your pride as you walk by the people that you’d rather have by your side, again you die a little inside, yet you walk alone with all your pride.

So this is a letter to open your eyes to what you can achieve, to all the dreams you can still make true. The world is yours to conquer. It's out there waiting for you. You know that it's never too late and that you can do the impossible. I will always believe in you.

Loads of love,

Your friend.