Sunrise

You come home alone, make yourself some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there's silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that's loneliness or freedom. I never realize how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while.

I like being alone, at least I convince myself that I am better off that way, I think it is very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. Sometimes when life gets chaotic, you need to be alone, isolated from everyone by choice, a sort of chosen loneliness, and somewhere through it all, you will find yourself.

And today I realized,
that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I tell everyone to keep holding on, that there's a light at the end, that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait.
I always tell people to have hope. that they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, that they have so much to live for.

Then there is me,
and I am barely holding on.
I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.
It surrounded me beautifully, I have started again and again but I feel like running against the same walls inside my head. The bad things stay with you, you can't escape them, even if you want to.
Sometimes I think I am crazy because I see things differently than everyone else. I am up to my ears in unwritten words, random thoughts racing through my mind, and through it all, I believe that, lost is a wonderful place to find yourself.

When something bothered me, I didn't talk to anyone about it. I thought it all over by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I felt lonely, I thought that's that's just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own.

I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be, and sometimes I wonder, am I who I want to be, and I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons, and maybe we will never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there, we can still do things, and we can try to feel okay about them.

But here I am, trying to think of a million beautiful ways to say that I am lonely, constantly trying to reiterate, but this is not beautiful. This is pain, and suffering, and sadness, and loss. This is loneliness.

And let me tell you about loneliness.

Loneliness is constantly waking up feeling empty, always waiting for something to happen, loneliness is coming home to frozen dinners, a cold bed and long nights filled with contrasting emotions.

And you know what sucks?
Realizing that everything you believe in, is complete and utter bullshit.

Truth it, I am afraid of getting older, I am afraid of getting married, spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote, I want to be free, I want to be alone.