Arrival of the Birds

It's Summer, I am lying on the freshly watered wet grass of our garden admiring the beauty of this weather. I have always been passionate about this particular season. I have nothing better to do than to lie here and try to figure out where will I go or with whom. I inhale a deep breath to fill my scarred lungs with clean fresh air, "your love has got me believing in magic all over again" - I whisper to my forfeited self as I engage in a bitter world ruled by an infinite loop of my outrageous thoughts and the memories.
It seems that, every time I start to indulge within my thoughts, I see pain and suffering, and between all that pain, I see you. Is it a coincidence or am I linking every single terrible event in my life to you?. I love you, I love you and I hate you but I don't know how; you are both my paradise and my hell, my light and my darkness, my angel and my devil.

"In another life" - I tell myself, you will be mine and I will be yours, but I wonder, would I still want you then as much as I do now, or would your love just fade away, just like you?. I am trapped, drowning in an ocean built of the tears I shed over you, faded in my own universe, alive but not vivid.
The beauty of Summer often correlates in my mind to the beauty of you, you were fresh, calm but energetic, sweet and beautiful.. Oh god I miss you. It would hurt less if you did not pretend that you loved me, you got me so deep in love with you, then you took a step back and I stood there like an abandoned lighthouse, everyone could see me and see what I have gone through. I felt weak, fragile, alone, and my fears became bigger, my confidence no longer exists, you ruined me, tore me apart and threw my heart away.

It seems ever since you left, crying on my pillow every night became my sleeping pill, waking up nauseous and drained is something I had to get used to, I wake up every day to look at myself in the mirror to ask myself the same question; "What have you done this time?".
I ran into you the other day, and I am not sure if you are happy now or terribly sad, but I would suggest the former, you looked as you are totally okay, or as nothing happened at all. It is okay, I have read before that love was not fair, equal, or properly understood. But I think that, it is different when you feel the definition yourself, to comprehend its all uneven angles and twists, its like seasons, not everyone understands the beauty of each season, or the beauty of you. 

It's Autumn, and it is not as sweet as Summer was, it is dull, the nights are cold, and it isn't that warm during the day either, I am depressed, I no longer care about anything, I am just numb, comfortably numb, I haven't been outside my home for awhile, and the Pizza delivery guy's number became the number I dial the most, I am curled into my couch under a blanket, potato chips and coke became my ultimate roommates, I have watched a hundred movies so far, but I still haven't seen anyone like you, or ever will.
In silence, I live in another dimension, waiting for you to come back, waiting for the day I wake up to sight of that beautiful smile of yours, waiting for the day I no longer have to write about you, but for you.

I am here, I never liked Winter, it is raining all the time at where I live, it is long and sort of boring, I feel better now, I am not sure if I have got over you, or if you do not matter to me anymore, I found a new job, I am no longer trapped in my own house, and I am feeling a bit more alive these days. It snowed today, and I remember how much you loved the snow, and how much I hated it. But this time it was different, I built a snowman and named it after you, it fell to the ground a couple of days later as soon as the sun came up, just like your love. As weird as it sounds, but I feel more mature now, I don't know if you feel the same, but you sort of changed me, shaped me into something new, guided me to a new path I was not aware of. I don't know, should I thank you for that?. I am not sure, my thoughts are a tangled web that even I can not understand. In these cold nights I have always found relief in music, although some of these songs are infected with the memory of you, but whenever I go through a bad day, I just put on my headphones and lay on my bed mesmerizing the beauty of this melody, and for a moment, I feel overwhelmed, happy and myself again. It feels for that small moment, all my fears disappear, and all the memories that left me insomniac do not matter anymore, I am stronger than yesterday and eventually I am coming back to life, I am coming back.
Time flies and Spring is already here, the warmth of the sun rays as it pass through my window wakes me up, it is 8 am, I wonder what I am going to do now, I stand up and look at the mirror as I do every day, "Hey, you are not so ugly today" - I smile, I no longer look like a complete mess, I move forward to my window, with one hand rubbing my sleep-deprived eye I open the curtain with my other hand, Oh god, I forgot how beautiful Spring is. I love Spring, I really do, I hear the birds chirping as they have built a tiny nest on an oak tree I planted years ago, I have always thought this tree was completely useless, I remember we carved our names on its stem, saying our love will live longer than this tree, how naive of me to mention this after all this time, I wonder if our names are still there, I haven't checked really, I don't think I really want to. It doesn't matter, I named this tree 'The Golden Pheasant'; it is a name of the most beautiful bird I have ever seen, I have always been enthusiastic about birds, for some it's cats or dogs, but for me, birds have always been unique, Oh how much I wish to have the freedom of a bird, to go wherever I want, to dislodge my thoughts and just fly away, to see the world from a different perspective, to check on you every once and awhile without you noticing me.

Summer is here again, it has been a year, can you believe that.. I don't. I thought I would be still a huge mess just like how I was last year, but I am not, It was my birthday the other day, I threw a huge party at my place that no longer looks like a rat house, it was exquisite, and all my friends showed up and everyone had a wonderful time. I feel more mature now, more confident, more alive and more secure. I am no longer waiting, I understand now, sometimes when people grow, they grow apart, it doesn't mean that the love they shared was not true, people change and feelings do too. I have been trying so hard not to get hurt again, but I think that, knowing what I know now, after all this time, I think I will not repeat my own mistakes again, I am wiser than that, you no longer matter to me, I gave up on you, just like how you gave up on me, I do not love you now, nor hate you, you are just a stranger I had some memories with, I try to cherish the sweet memories, and I forgive you for the bad ones, because after all this time, I finally won myself back. 
A guy and a girl may just be friends. but at one point or another, they will fall for each other, it may be temporarily, it may be at the wrong time, may be too late or it may be forever. I am always the one who loves more, that's my thing. And you will always be a bird; a golden pheasant, beautiful but out of reach, you are not mine, or ever will be, and I just.. I just hope you are happy, wherever you are, with whom you are with, I wish you all the good in life, you deserve the best, maybe we were not meant to be together, but that does not mean I am supposed to hate you, hey, we are older than that now remember?, I truly wish you all the sweetness this life has to offer, and fly on my bird, there is still a lot out there for you to discover, spread those beautiful wings of yours and fly on my darling, fly on~