"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" - I say to myself as I lie on the cold hard ground staring at the clouds above me, I have never thought clouds were this beautiful before, I look up at the sky with half a smile on a face filled with tears and scars. I am numb, my voice became rusty of constantly crying at the top of my lungs, I call your name but you are not around. Was it all in my head, or was it one of those situations that people call 'inevitable'?
I thought you promised to not let me down, to be the one holding on to my hand when everyone else let go, do you remember? Well, I do. I really thought you were on my side, you made me believe that you will be here when I need you the most. But here I am, holding a pen and a diary writing down my griefs and misery with shaking hands as I try to contain myself, 'Calm down, it is going to be okay' - I try to comfort myself with these words over and over as deep inside I know that for me, to bounce out of this, is going to take a long time.
I am sitting next to my bedroom window again, holding a warm mug of coffee between my cold hands and leaning my head across the cold surface of the glass; It is November, and it has been raining for a while. I have been looking through the same window for some time now; all I see is some cars driving across the street, I have always wondered what do other people do with their lives. Have any of those people gone through an experience like mine? - I doubt. Great, my coffee is cold, it is so unusual of me to forget about drinking my coffee. But I guess, I am not the same anymore, I plead for this time to pass, maybe afterwards I can switch back to being me? - I hope.
I pray for a moment of serenity, I put on a jacket and a scarf as I get in my car with a destination towards nowhere; Driving in the rain has always made me calm and peaceful, I ignite the car and wait for a couple of moments while it heats up, I am rubbing my hands against each other in an attempt to gain some heat, even these wool gloves aren't enough to overcome the coldness of this night. Finally, I am good to go, I put on a CD of my favorite music - I have always hated the music she listens to, I drive peacefully to the rhythm of sad love songs that I have carefully handpicked for this type of days. All of these songs talking about love as something everyone dreams to have, I smile, how did I believe that I was one of those 'lucky ones' to have a chance with love? how did we get here - I wonder, but all my wonders are left unanswered.
I have a quarter-tank left of fuel now, it has already been 2 hours and I drove probably a hundred kilometers so far. It scares me, how sometimes time flies and other times I pray the day ends. I think I am going back home; I need to get something to eat, I haven't had a proper meal in days - but I am still gaining weight somehow. I look miserable, defeated, in constant ache and agony, I please myself to snap out of this, I haven't seen my friends in weeks - I wonder if they miss me. It doesn't matter anymore, nothing does, I just need some more time, or at least that's what I believe in, I just need more time, I just...
I lay my head on my disk, between my unfinished novels, scribbles of my diary, books that I did not finish, papers that I was supposed to deliver and spilled coffee. I run my hands through my hair - My hair has grown dramatically; I do not recognize myself anymore. I do not know anymore; I think I am losing my mind - If I haven't already. I want to let go, I want to forget, I beg myself to overcome this, it's like swimming against the current, it tires you, exhausts you, I will have to stop looking for love where I lost it, and hope for the river to carry me back home.
And I learned 'You deserve better' was sometimes nothing more than a synonym to 'I do not want to hurt you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't love you anymore'. I figured it all out just too late, and there in my heart, you created a knot that I cannot untie. I gave you my heart, you took it and pinched it to death and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, and since you destroyed mine, I can no longer feel you, or anything at all.
I thought you promised to not let me down, to be the one holding on to my hand when everyone else let go, do you remember? Well, I do. I really thought you were on my side, you made me believe that you will be here when I need you the most. But here I am, holding a pen and a diary writing down my griefs and misery with shaking hands as I try to contain myself, 'Calm down, it is going to be okay' - I try to comfort myself with these words over and over as deep inside I know that for me, to bounce out of this, is going to take a long time.
I am sitting next to my bedroom window again, holding a warm mug of coffee between my cold hands and leaning my head across the cold surface of the glass; It is November, and it has been raining for a while. I have been looking through the same window for some time now; all I see is some cars driving across the street, I have always wondered what do other people do with their lives. Have any of those people gone through an experience like mine? - I doubt. Great, my coffee is cold, it is so unusual of me to forget about drinking my coffee. But I guess, I am not the same anymore, I plead for this time to pass, maybe afterwards I can switch back to being me? - I hope.
I pray for a moment of serenity, I put on a jacket and a scarf as I get in my car with a destination towards nowhere; Driving in the rain has always made me calm and peaceful, I ignite the car and wait for a couple of moments while it heats up, I am rubbing my hands against each other in an attempt to gain some heat, even these wool gloves aren't enough to overcome the coldness of this night. Finally, I am good to go, I put on a CD of my favorite music - I have always hated the music she listens to, I drive peacefully to the rhythm of sad love songs that I have carefully handpicked for this type of days. All of these songs talking about love as something everyone dreams to have, I smile, how did I believe that I was one of those 'lucky ones' to have a chance with love? how did we get here - I wonder, but all my wonders are left unanswered.
I have a quarter-tank left of fuel now, it has already been 2 hours and I drove probably a hundred kilometers so far. It scares me, how sometimes time flies and other times I pray the day ends. I think I am going back home; I need to get something to eat, I haven't had a proper meal in days - but I am still gaining weight somehow. I look miserable, defeated, in constant ache and agony, I please myself to snap out of this, I haven't seen my friends in weeks - I wonder if they miss me. It doesn't matter anymore, nothing does, I just need some more time, or at least that's what I believe in, I just need more time, I just...
I lay my head on my disk, between my unfinished novels, scribbles of my diary, books that I did not finish, papers that I was supposed to deliver and spilled coffee. I run my hands through my hair - My hair has grown dramatically; I do not recognize myself anymore. I do not know anymore; I think I am losing my mind - If I haven't already. I want to let go, I want to forget, I beg myself to overcome this, it's like swimming against the current, it tires you, exhausts you, I will have to stop looking for love where I lost it, and hope for the river to carry me back home.
And I learned 'You deserve better' was sometimes nothing more than a synonym to 'I do not want to hurt you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't love you anymore'. I figured it all out just too late, and there in my heart, you created a knot that I cannot untie. I gave you my heart, you took it and pinched it to death and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, and since you destroyed mine, I can no longer feel you, or anything at all.
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