Arrival of the Birds

It's Summer, I am lying on the freshly watered wet grass of our garden admiring the beauty of this weather. I have always been passionate about this particular season. I have nothing better to do than to lie here and try to figure out where will I go or with whom. I inhale a deep breath to fill my scarred lungs with clean fresh air, "your love has got me believing in magic all over again" - I whisper to my forfeited self as I engage in a bitter world ruled by an infinite loop of my outrageous thoughts and the memories.
It seems that, every time I start to indulge within my thoughts, I see pain and suffering, and between all that pain, I see you. Is it a coincidence or am I linking every single terrible event in my life to you?. I love you, I love you and I hate you but I don't know how; you are both my paradise and my hell, my light and my darkness, my angel and my devil.

"In another life" - I tell myself, you will be mine and I will be yours, but I wonder, would I still want you then as much as I do now, or would your love just fade away, just like you?. I am trapped, drowning in an ocean built of the tears I shed over you, faded in my own universe, alive but not vivid.
The beauty of Summer often correlates in my mind to the beauty of you, you were fresh, calm but energetic, sweet and beautiful.. Oh god I miss you. It would hurt less if you did not pretend that you loved me, you got me so deep in love with you, then you took a step back and I stood there like an abandoned lighthouse, everyone could see me and see what I have gone through. I felt weak, fragile, alone, and my fears became bigger, my confidence no longer exists, you ruined me, tore me apart and threw my heart away.

It seems ever since you left, crying on my pillow every night became my sleeping pill, waking up nauseous and drained is something I had to get used to, I wake up every day to look at myself in the mirror to ask myself the same question; "What have you done this time?".
I ran into you the other day, and I am not sure if you are happy now or terribly sad, but I would suggest the former, you looked as you are totally okay, or as nothing happened at all. It is okay, I have read before that love was not fair, equal, or properly understood. But I think that, it is different when you feel the definition yourself, to comprehend its all uneven angles and twists, its like seasons, not everyone understands the beauty of each season, or the beauty of you. 

It's Autumn, and it is not as sweet as Summer was, it is dull, the nights are cold, and it isn't that warm during the day either, I am depressed, I no longer care about anything, I am just numb, comfortably numb, I haven't been outside my home for awhile, and the Pizza delivery guy's number became the number I dial the most, I am curled into my couch under a blanket, potato chips and coke became my ultimate roommates, I have watched a hundred movies so far, but I still haven't seen anyone like you, or ever will.
In silence, I live in another dimension, waiting for you to come back, waiting for the day I wake up to sight of that beautiful smile of yours, waiting for the day I no longer have to write about you, but for you.

I am here, I never liked Winter, it is raining all the time at where I live, it is long and sort of boring, I feel better now, I am not sure if I have got over you, or if you do not matter to me anymore, I found a new job, I am no longer trapped in my own house, and I am feeling a bit more alive these days. It snowed today, and I remember how much you loved the snow, and how much I hated it. But this time it was different, I built a snowman and named it after you, it fell to the ground a couple of days later as soon as the sun came up, just like your love. As weird as it sounds, but I feel more mature now, I don't know if you feel the same, but you sort of changed me, shaped me into something new, guided me to a new path I was not aware of. I don't know, should I thank you for that?. I am not sure, my thoughts are a tangled web that even I can not understand. In these cold nights I have always found relief in music, although some of these songs are infected with the memory of you, but whenever I go through a bad day, I just put on my headphones and lay on my bed mesmerizing the beauty of this melody, and for a moment, I feel overwhelmed, happy and myself again. It feels for that small moment, all my fears disappear, and all the memories that left me insomniac do not matter anymore, I am stronger than yesterday and eventually I am coming back to life, I am coming back.
Time flies and Spring is already here, the warmth of the sun rays as it pass through my window wakes me up, it is 8 am, I wonder what I am going to do now, I stand up and look at the mirror as I do every day, "Hey, you are not so ugly today" - I smile, I no longer look like a complete mess, I move forward to my window, with one hand rubbing my sleep-deprived eye I open the curtain with my other hand, Oh god, I forgot how beautiful Spring is. I love Spring, I really do, I hear the birds chirping as they have built a tiny nest on an oak tree I planted years ago, I have always thought this tree was completely useless, I remember we carved our names on its stem, saying our love will live longer than this tree, how naive of me to mention this after all this time, I wonder if our names are still there, I haven't checked really, I don't think I really want to. It doesn't matter, I named this tree 'The Golden Pheasant'; it is a name of the most beautiful bird I have ever seen, I have always been enthusiastic about birds, for some it's cats or dogs, but for me, birds have always been unique, Oh how much I wish to have the freedom of a bird, to go wherever I want, to dislodge my thoughts and just fly away, to see the world from a different perspective, to check on you every once and awhile without you noticing me.

Summer is here again, it has been a year, can you believe that.. I don't. I thought I would be still a huge mess just like how I was last year, but I am not, It was my birthday the other day, I threw a huge party at my place that no longer looks like a rat house, it was exquisite, and all my friends showed up and everyone had a wonderful time. I feel more mature now, more confident, more alive and more secure. I am no longer waiting, I understand now, sometimes when people grow, they grow apart, it doesn't mean that the love they shared was not true, people change and feelings do too. I have been trying so hard not to get hurt again, but I think that, knowing what I know now, after all this time, I think I will not repeat my own mistakes again, I am wiser than that, you no longer matter to me, I gave up on you, just like how you gave up on me, I do not love you now, nor hate you, you are just a stranger I had some memories with, I try to cherish the sweet memories, and I forgive you for the bad ones, because after all this time, I finally won myself back. 
A guy and a girl may just be friends. but at one point or another, they will fall for each other, it may be temporarily, it may be at the wrong time, may be too late or it may be forever. I am always the one who loves more, that's my thing. And you will always be a bird; a golden pheasant, beautiful but out of reach, you are not mine, or ever will be, and I just.. I just hope you are happy, wherever you are, with whom you are with, I wish you all the good in life, you deserve the best, maybe we were not meant to be together, but that does not mean I am supposed to hate you, hey, we are older than that now remember?, I truly wish you all the sweetness this life has to offer, and fly on my bird, there is still a lot out there for you to discover, spread those beautiful wings of yours and fly on my darling, fly on~

Heroes

Don't let your insecurities ruin the beauty you were born with - I don't care what is in your hair, how much costed your make-up today or where you bought your outfit from. All I care about is you, your presence is more than enough for me to exist. I strive on your love, I would be lying if I did not say how much you mean to me, I do not care what people think anymore, but not you, not you.
Don't you believe that we always try to hide our feelings but we forget that our eyes tell the whole story?; Look into my eyes, tell me what you see, can't you see how much these eyes have been waiting for you? - I long for those eyes to meet yours, I think, deep within you, lies a mysterious puzzle of dreams and ripples of hope, I can see that there's a beautiful life inside of you, just hanging in there in shyness, but I would wait, I would wait for you, only you.
I could not tell if I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you, the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I am with you. You suddenly became my favorite thought, I wonder what you are doing now or where you are, I wonder who your friends are, I wonder how your parents are like and whether if they will accept me, I wonder. But, you know, I really do not care about all of these 'small' stuff now, all that matters now is that I love you, in a way those words can never comprehend or ever will, I don't believe I will ever be able to write in a way that justifies you, I can only say for now, is that I love you and as cheesy as it sounds, but I love loving you.
Say yes!
Say yes to new adventures, a new life, a new house that we will build together with our bare hands as we always believed that the things you love the most you take care of the most. I need you, you do not only complete me, you became a part of me, a big one; The gentle touch of your hand is what I am in constant need of, your laugh seems to brighten my day regardless of what I am going through, It's just.. Uh, I smile every time you cross my mind, It seems that whatever you say sounds beautiful coming out of those lips.
You walked into my life one day and unlike many, you chose to stay, and I do not really remember the exact moment when our friendship turned into love, but it happened, and suddenly, I started to see the world from a different perspective, you became my sun, my soulmate and my 3 am thoughts. You decorated my world, lit it on fire and held my hand when I needed someone the most, you weren't just an ordinary person, you were mine and I am proudly yours, all yours.

I think your beauty is deep, not superficial; hidden, sometimes, rather than obvious, consoling, different in its own way. You are a masterpiece of God's creation..An angel. I think that it doesn't matter whatever our souls are made of, mine and yours are the same.
You are the type of person that does not deserve to be sad - It would have been complete injustice to see a tear on that beautiful face, I can make you happy, I promise, I will not let you down, believe in me, believe.

April

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" - I say to myself as I lie on the cold hard ground staring at the clouds above me, I have never thought clouds were this beautiful before, I look up at the sky with half a smile on a face filled with tears and scars. I am numb, my voice became rusty of constantly crying at the top of my lungs, I call your name but you are not around. Was it all in my head, or was it one of those situations that people call 'inevitable'?
I thought you promised to not let me down, to be the one holding on to my hand when everyone else let go, do you remember? Well, I do. I really thought you were on my side, you made me believe that you will be here when I need you the most. But here I am, holding a pen and a diary writing down my griefs and misery with shaking hands as I try to contain myself, 'Calm down, it is going to be okay' - I try to comfort myself with these words over and over as deep inside I know that for me, to bounce out of this, is going to take a long time.
I am sitting next to my bedroom window again, holding a warm mug of coffee between my cold hands and leaning my head across the cold surface of the glass; It is November, and it has been raining for a while. I have been looking through the same window for some time now; all I see is some cars driving across the street, I have always wondered what do other people do with their lives. Have any of those people gone through an experience like mine? - I doubt. Great, my coffee is cold, it is so unusual of me to forget about drinking my coffee. But I guess, I am not the same anymore, I plead for this time to pass, maybe afterwards I can switch back to being me? - I hope.
I pray for a moment of serenity, I put on a jacket and a scarf as I get in my car with a destination towards nowhere; Driving in the rain has always made me calm and peaceful, I ignite the car and wait for a couple of moments while it heats up, I am rubbing my hands against each other in an attempt to gain some heat, even these wool gloves aren't enough to overcome the coldness of this night. Finally, I am good to go, I put on a CD of my favorite music - I have always hated the music she listens to, I drive peacefully to the rhythm of sad love songs that I have carefully handpicked for this type of days. All of these songs talking about love as something everyone dreams to have, I smile, how did I believe that I was one of those 'lucky ones' to have a chance with love? how did we get here - I wonder, but all my wonders are left unanswered.
I have a quarter-tank left of fuel now, it has already been 2 hours and I drove probably a hundred kilometers so far. It scares me, how sometimes time flies and other times I pray the day ends. I think I am going back home; I need to get something to eat, I haven't had a proper meal in days - but I am still gaining weight somehow. I look miserable, defeated, in constant ache and agony, I please myself to snap out of this, I haven't seen my friends in weeks - I wonder if they miss me. It doesn't matter anymore, nothing does, I just need some more time, or at least that's what I believe in, I just need more time, I just...
I lay my head on my disk, between my unfinished novels, scribbles of my diary, books that I did not finish, papers that I was supposed to deliver and spilled coffee. I run my hands through my hair - My hair has grown dramatically; I do not recognize myself anymore. I do not know anymore; I think I am losing my mind - If I haven't already. I want to let go, I want to forget, I beg myself to overcome this, it's like swimming against the current, it tires you, exhausts you, I will have to stop looking for love where I lost it, and hope for the river to carry me back home.
And I learned 'You deserve better' was sometimes nothing more than a synonym to 'I do not want to hurt you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't love you anymore'. I figured it all out just too late, and there in my heart, you created a knot that I cannot untie. I gave you my heart, you took it and pinched it to death and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, and since you destroyed mine, I can no longer feel you, or anything at all.