Departure

Last night was another night where I lay in my bed sleepless for hours looking for answers,
It's cold,
And my body became a hollow shell of the person I was,
My thoughts are confused,
And I attempt to find peace at night,
Maybe my 4 AM thoughts made more sense to me than other times,
Maybe I am delusional,
I do not really know.
But here I am writing another story in my head in an ocean of silence,
Maybe I can manipulate the events this time and guide my fictional self into a happy ending,
Perhaps the life I created in my head was happier than my current,
But I did not care,
It gave me a buzz of excitement to seal the perfect end.
I think everything is more beautiful in the dark,
That's why I dwell in it,
So even the deepest parts of my soul are blurred into beauty,
I seeked happiness in a world of my imagination,
A world created by fake conversations and scenarios,
A place only I have the key to access,
Somewhere only I know.
I do not know where did I go wrong,
I was meant to blossom into a bright flower,
But people around me stole my colours,
And now I am black and white,
I am dead in the outside,
But that is what people can see,
No one notices me anymore in a field of tulips and roses with their bright colours,
I am invisible,
And no one could relate to my current state or understand me.
I believed in too much too early,
And when reality arrived, I could not stand it,
The sun is already up,
I have to leave my bed and survive this day,
Maybe tonight I can shut those thoughts away,
As I attempt to fix myself,
And find my colours again.

The Ashes of Us

I want to see your heart,
All of it,
Not just the angelic side,
But the entire complexity,
I want you to tell me all the terrible things you have done,
And let me love you anyway,
I can't wait to sit in the same spot for hours while you take a nap on my lap even though I am equally tired,
I can't wait to have arguments with you and let you win because you mean to me more than my pride,
I can't wait to hear you babbling for hours because your mind is my favourite aspect about you.
I am just trying to find my place within the pages of your diary,
It's almost full and I don't think I will fit in,
You remember too much,
And I cannot understand why you hold onto all of that,
I asked you numerous times to let some of these memories go,
You said you just can't let those words away,
And I am wondering if I am worthy enough to have a spot -Or ever will be.
And some nights,
I lie in my bed for hours,
Staring blankly at the same four walls for more than 20 years,
Thinking about our last conversation,
And my imagination drifts,
I start re-creating unrealistic scenarios in my head,
About you and me,
About us.
But I am quickly stunned by the heat of the sun as it slips through a small space, I accidentally left open,
And the birds by my window are chirping loudly,
I take another sleeping pill as I desperately try to derail my train of thoughts and get some sleep,
I haven't slept properly in a while,
I don't know if you are driving me crazy or I am the one to blame.
They say nobody can explain love,
But could you comprehend how it feels?
Maybe you and I will never ever reach there,
And we will always be an incomplete sentence,
A book with no sequel,
A movie without an ending,
A page of your diary.

Adderall

And I miss you,
I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you,
And I am scared,
Who said love cannot be destructive?
It's the sweetest destruction of them all,
I am stuck between loving you and destructing myself.
And now no matter where I look,
I am trying to find you in everyone I see,
You see, I constantly wrote about you,
But I never wrote to you,
And maybe that was my mistake.
But I can no longer hide my weakness,
And the time comes to accept the truth,
That a part of me was lost when you were gone,
And you left me in pieces,
Scarred.
I hide the fact that I am afraid,
Not to maintain a certain image,
But I hide it from myself so I don't see it,
So, I don't start to think of you again,
And your perfect beauty,
I had to take control over my life,
I had to take control.
When we first met, I did not know I was going to fall in love with you,
It happened after we became friends,
It happened after you whispered your secrets in my ears,
After you showed me your flaws,
Which I found myself liking them.
And my heart, lungs, veins, blood and everything were begging you to stay,
There was a fire in you,
I wanted it to burn in me too,
But I guess I got so close and forgot how it burns,
I burned myself trying to be there next to you.
But none of that matters now,
I miss you,
And I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you.