Pisces

I stay up all night waiting for the sun to rise, so I can climb through the small window in my attic, swaying slightly on my feet in my pajamas, to catch a glimpse of the sunrays, to have a moment of peace. I inhale a fresh breeze of pure summer air and I seize this special hour everyday wholeheartedly. As for a moment, all the accumulated fatigue from my sleepless nights, all my thoughts and my wonders are no longer there.

I have always been infatuated with early mornings when it feels like the rest of the world is still fast asleep and you are the only one who is awake. And everything feels like it is not really real and you kind of forget all your problems because for now, it's just you, the world and the sunrise.
I believe there's a certain power to mornings, an unmatched refreshing source of energy, and I relish those special moments of glory, I savour every second. Because in these hours, everything is different.

My life has became a canvas that everyone gets to paint in but me, and in those mornings is when I have some sort of freedom, an exquisite moment of solitary, a kind of control over my chaotic style of living that I desperately chose, and you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I have learned early in life that people leave and that people like me are meant to be alone. Sometimes I feel that I deserve no one because I am honestly hard to understand and people will always get tired of me and give up. I am a mess, inside out.

I am a walking contradiction; an asshole with a heart of gold. I will show you what love should really look like but make sure to leave before any of it unfolds. I will be demanding attention while keeping at bay. I have my fear of commitment solidly embedded in me.

I am a contradiction, of emotion and impulse, of loneliness and the constant need to be with someone, of holding on and letting go.

I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I am lazy, yet ambitious. I don't like myself, but I love who I am. I say I don't care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way, I am a hopeless romantic, and a desperate realistic, I want to go out, but prefer to stay in. I feel the need to be bold, but I be shy instead. I try to be confident, but come out weak. I want recognition, but I don't need attention. I like to be alone, but I can't distance myself from people. I am a conflicted contradiction. If I can't figure myself out, there's no way anyone else has.
I am desperately looking for balance in my life, I want to be positive but I am so cynical. I want to find love, but I don't believe in it anymore. I am insecure, but I am strong. I turn my hands into fists, but I am collapsing inside. I am continuously seeking any type of stability, I am waiting for a moment to flourish and turn my life around, but I also want to give up.

The sun is up, it's 7 am. I walk back inside with a head filled with contrasting emotions, I fluff my pillow and I lay my hefty head. I take a deep breath and I close my sleep deprived eyes. I sleep through the day and wait for another sparkle of hope. I wait, for another sunrise.

Sunrise

You come home alone, make yourself some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there's silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that's loneliness or freedom. I never realize how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while.

I like being alone, at least I convince myself that I am better off that way, I think it is very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. Sometimes when life gets chaotic, you need to be alone, isolated from everyone by choice, a sort of chosen loneliness, and somewhere through it all, you will find yourself.

And today I realized,
that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I tell everyone to keep holding on, that there's a light at the end, that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait.
I always tell people to have hope. that they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, that they have so much to live for.

Then there is me,
and I am barely holding on.
I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.
It surrounded me beautifully, I have started again and again but I feel like running against the same walls inside my head. The bad things stay with you, you can't escape them, even if you want to.
Sometimes I think I am crazy because I see things differently than everyone else. I am up to my ears in unwritten words, random thoughts racing through my mind, and through it all, I believe that, lost is a wonderful place to find yourself.

When something bothered me, I didn't talk to anyone about it. I thought it all over by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I felt lonely, I thought that's that's just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own.

I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be, and sometimes I wonder, am I who I want to be, and I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons, and maybe we will never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there, we can still do things, and we can try to feel okay about them.

But here I am, trying to think of a million beautiful ways to say that I am lonely, constantly trying to reiterate, but this is not beautiful. This is pain, and suffering, and sadness, and loss. This is loneliness.

And let me tell you about loneliness.

Loneliness is constantly waking up feeling empty, always waiting for something to happen, loneliness is coming home to frozen dinners, a cold bed and long nights filled with contrasting emotions.

And you know what sucks?
Realizing that everything you believe in, is complete and utter bullshit.

Truth it, I am afraid of getting older, I am afraid of getting married, spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote, I want to be free, I want to be alone.