Sidewalks

This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel.
And of course, you are going to say you are happy now,
and draw a wide fake smile on your face,
But every time I look into your eyes,
I could tell that you were hurt,
that I broke you.
And lately,
I am wondering,
Who will be there to take my place?
I hate how I couldn't stop imagining you in everybody I tried to love after you had left,
I am a discarded unfinished book,
looking for someone to create chaotic memories with to help write the climax to my story.
I often look at the people holding hands in the hallways and I try to think how it all works out,
While I either fall in love too quick,
or I do not feel anything at all.
I am not used to being loved,
And sometimes I still catch myself feeling sad at things that do not matter anymore.
I abandoned logic to maintain sanity,

You were not making any sense,

yet I was trying to understand.

But I,

I have always wanted you,

I shared my deepest thoughts with you at 3 in the morning,

you were the only person to completely understand me,

to accept my flaws as they were,

to love me,

You gave me hope that I can be loved,

You teached me a lot,

But as soon as I started to feel something for you,

you said it was time for you to leave.

You said you knew this day will come eventually,

but you didn't want to believe it.

And now that day is here,

you have to go.

And I am too angry to give you the goodbye hug you're asking for,

because it's too painful to let go,

I see the tears pouring down from these hazel eyes and I know,

I know that I am being harsh,

but you did this to us,

you did this to yourself.

And now,

you have to leave.

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained,

I can't even explain how I feel anymore,

My thoughts are so messed up in my head,

In my heart I love you all the time.

And I sit alone and watch the clock,

trying to collect my thoughts,

yet all I think about is you.

In those days that I live through,

I can't control what stays and what fades away,

And I never have the things to say,

to make it all just go away,

to make it all disappear.

You are always there,

in every person I meet,

in every conversation I have,

you are in it somehow,

Maybe because we talked about all the subjects this world has to offer,

so whenever one of these topics is talked about,

I remember you,

and your opinion in that matter,

and I smile.

I guess at one point of our lives we would realize that we were perfect for each other,

we would realize that we should have fought for this.

Yet,

nothing of all that matters now.

And I am here now,

It's 11 pm,

sitting on a burnt-brown wooden disk,

A cigar in my hand,

some Jazz music playing in the background,

as I try to compile a list of adjectives to describe you,

I still fail every time to properly describe your genuine beauty,

and I tear those pages apart,

I close my eyes,

And I wonder,

Maybe sometimes I cross your mind as you cross mine.