Sidewalks

This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel.
And of course, you are going to say you are happy now,
and draw a wide fake smile on your face,
But every time I look into your eyes,
I could tell that you were hurt,
that I broke you.
And lately,
I am wondering,
Who will be there to take my place?
I hate how I couldn't stop imagining you in everybody I tried to love after you had left,
I am a discarded unfinished book,
looking for someone to create chaotic memories with to help write the climax to my story.
I often look at the people holding hands in the hallways and I try to think how it all works out,
While I either fall in love too quick,
or I do not feel anything at all.
I am not used to being loved,
And sometimes I still catch myself feeling sad at things that do not matter anymore.
I abandoned logic to maintain sanity,

You were not making any sense,

yet I was trying to understand.

But I,

I have always wanted you,

I shared my deepest thoughts with you at 3 in the morning,

you were the only person to completely understand me,

to accept my flaws as they were,

to love me,

You gave me hope that I can be loved,

You teached me a lot,

But as soon as I started to feel something for you,

you said it was time for you to leave.

You said you knew this day will come eventually,

but you didn't want to believe it.

And now that day is here,

you have to go.

And I am too angry to give you the goodbye hug you're asking for,

because it's too painful to let go,

I see the tears pouring down from these hazel eyes and I know,

I know that I am being harsh,

but you did this to us,

you did this to yourself.

And now,

you have to leave.

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained,

I can't even explain how I feel anymore,

My thoughts are so messed up in my head,

In my heart I love you all the time.

And I sit alone and watch the clock,

trying to collect my thoughts,

yet all I think about is you.

In those days that I live through,

I can't control what stays and what fades away,

And I never have the things to say,

to make it all just go away,

to make it all disappear.

You are always there,

in every person I meet,

in every conversation I have,

you are in it somehow,

Maybe because we talked about all the subjects this world has to offer,

so whenever one of these topics is talked about,

I remember you,

and your opinion in that matter,

and I smile.

I guess at one point of our lives we would realize that we were perfect for each other,

we would realize that we should have fought for this.

Yet,

nothing of all that matters now.

And I am here now,

It's 11 pm,

sitting on a burnt-brown wooden disk,

A cigar in my hand,

some Jazz music playing in the background,

as I try to compile a list of adjectives to describe you,

I still fail every time to properly describe your genuine beauty,

and I tear those pages apart,

I close my eyes,

And I wonder,

Maybe sometimes I cross your mind as you cross mine.

Butterfly

It's your birthday,
Please accept my apologies,
I couldn't make it this year.
I..
I have been too busy looking after myself,
I forgot how much you mean to me,
Until it was too late.
And now,
I live in another dimension,
Walking down those gloomy corridors,
An air of melancholy filled those vacant halls,
A state of vacivity,
Occupied with thick layers of dust over the edges of these obsidian windows.
It's all black and white,
Charcoal and Ivory,
An alluring mixture creating beautifully irregular streaks through the marble of our bedroom floor.
We emotionally manipulated each other until we thought it was love,
And at that point it was too late to put an end to this constant illusion,
And return to a sense of tranquility.
And now I..
I am living in a persistent state of delirium,
You intoxicated me,
It was just like you made me love you by some force,
And your head was occupied with alarming questions,
While mine was preoccupied with deranged thoughts.
I was not enough.
You taught me how to be alone,
And I have learned my lesson in your absence.
But each night,
Everything cuts a little deeper,
And all those words we have said to each other haunt me,
A transient state of veracity,
Does it count if you were happy in a dream,
Or am I in love with impossibility?
You were always a difficult person to understand but never to love,
And no one said that you must stop loving someone once they leave,
You left me,
Like there was no reason to stay,
And I loved you even more.
And I...
I have found comfort in sorrow,
I couldn't find anything to alleviate this pain,
Nothing to soothe my nerves,
I will never be able to find myself,
As long as I am lost in you.
And each year,
Between the frost of the winter,
And the vernal sunshine,
Comes one day of particular significance,
This time last year we were sitting under the shade of that oak tree,
We used to call it our spot,
It was where we used to escape from our stubborn parents and have a moment for ourselves,
Our sweet escape.
I was in the middle of an ocean,
An ocean of doubts, flaws and imperfections,
Then you came along,
And all of a sudden I knew how to swim,
But then you left,
And I realized you have been holding me the whole time,
No I am six feet under,
Covered in guilt and self neglect,
Erased,
But I will always remember this special day,
And I am sorry I couldn't be where you currently are,
And I apologize for the long message,
I think..
All I wanted to say is that,
On your special day,
I hope this wonderful day will fill up your heart with blessings.
I think about this every year,
So I pick up a pen,
And I write,
'Happy Birthday,
I love you'.
And I place this letter gently above its similar but older messages,
In a dusty hazel brown box I have made of perfectly cut pieces of that oak tree,
Covered in excelsior,
Rested under my bed,
It is where my dreams come to life,
Where my memories set,
It is where you are,
It is where we left.
So..
I think..
I think It won't be any different this year,
Happy Birthday...
I love you.