Emerald

First page,

With a black pen in my hand,

I write some words down clumsily,

The words were soft and mellow,

And then turned into anger.

I couldn't stop,

Thought after thought,

I constantly felt that I am missing something,

But I never knew exactly out what it is.

A set of paints,

A certain pallette of colors,

All too poor,

To create the perfect picture of what was in my mind.

My body is a garden,

From bone and up,

Full of beauty and grace,

Yet so plain,

Compared to the memories,

I have sworn to never speak of again.

I am aware that,

I am less than what people prefer me to be,

But most people are unaware that,

I am so much more than what they see.

I have learned more about myself in solitude,

I have both driven myself crazy and found peace,

I love who I have been,

But I really love who I am becoming.

I no longer search,

The things that are meant for me will always flow to me,

"You attract what you are ready for",

I will just let things play out,

What's supposed to happen eventually will.

I am human,

I make mistakes,

I have weaknesses,

Study me as much as you like,

You will never understand me completely,

I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be,

I have chosen to be in a place where you can't see me.

I am not used to be loved,

I do not know what to do,

I feel a lot,

Like I ought to be feeling something I shouldn't,

I have always loved too much,

or not enough,

To love me is to love a haunted house.

It seemed that you knew me,

Like you understood anything that I have told you,

But the more we spoke,

The more I realized,

How different we were,

Or maybe I just thought you were different,

Silly me.

I have spent my life learning to feel less,

Learning not to hold onto something,

That I would expect nothing at all.

I regret that it takes a life to understand love,

I want to be loved and left alone.

I don't think that people understand the fact that life doesn't make sense,

I think it haunts people,

The fact that they can never figure things out.

An aeviternal situation,

A dilemma,

A puzzle missing out vital pieces,

A mesmerizing fuliginous painting,

A delusion,

Packed thoughts one over another,

Yet,

It could never sharpen the image I had in my mind.

A thought of idle desire,

A reverie,

I cannot know who I am,

Because I do not know which part of me is not me.

My mind is occupied by tenuous spiral stairs,

They lead to indistinct areas of my dispersed character,

It is where I have hidden all my secrets,

It is where I belong.

It has always been this way,

After I opened myself to someone,

I needed some time,

to restore my sense of privacy,

I have found it necessary to remain silent,

To not let anyone in.

I have found peace in writing some of what is going inside of me,

I have locked myself in an oblivion,

Going through the same emotions,

Going through us.

I take another sip of my coffee which turned cold,

And I sigh,

As I write the last page,

Last page,

I feel like I am missing something,

But I never know exactly out what it is.

House of Balloons

I encounter millions of bodies in my life,

Of these millions,

I may desire hundreds,

But of these hundreds,

I love only one,

I spend most nights at home falling in love with the idea of you,

I hope you won't be temporary,

I never expected you,

Sometimes people sneak up on you,

And suddenly,

You don't know how you ever lived without them,

We had everything to say to each other,

But no ways to say it,

You're within me;

In every thought,

In every word,

In every act,

We are connected,

And I like you;

Your eyes are full of language,

Tell me every terrible thing you have done,

And let me love you anyway,

But I..

I am a collection of dismantled almosts,

And..

That's how it is when a person develops an attraction towards someone,

You are nowhere,

But suddenly you are everywhere,

Whether I want you to be or not,

And I don't know,

You have lived on broken hearts all your life,

And I wonder,

If you notice me at all,

Or If the thought of us comes up to your mind as it does to mine,

It seems that,

The more time and distance you put in between us,

The larger you grow in my heart,

And I yearn for the day that I wake up next to you,

Have coffee in the morning as we discuss our plans together,

And wander through the city with your hand in mine,

I want love around me and in me at all times,

I...

I would choose five minutes with you,

Over a lifetime with anyone else,

I wonder how many people do not get the one they want,

But end up with the one they're supposed to be with,

And I..

I've learned to cope by spilling these words on paper,

Hoping one day,

Somewhere on the page,

Among these irrational thoughts and feelings,

We would be together,

But I..

I still search for you between all these crowds,

On all these roads and wishing stars,

Neither one of us knows what might happen tomorrow,

Yet we move forwards,

Carrying blind hopes in these tormented hearts of ours,

A vain attempt to make us feel better,

But there's something about you,

You always wore black,

But you have the most colorful mind,

You were most beautiful,

Whenever you are most comfortable,

Whenever you are most,

You,

And sometimes,

I have kept my feelings to myself,

Because I just couldn't find the language to describe them in,

And I have loved you with all my damaged heart,

But you..

You were so distant,

Sometimes I forgot you were there at all,

And I am on the outside,

Looking at you,

And a man so painfully in love,

Is capable of self-torture beyond belief,

Love is an untamed force,

It cannot be controlled,

And I...

I keep finding myself in the wrong story,

I am writing a chapter I would never read out loud,

I don't even fit here,

So why go and pretend like I do?

Let it hurt,

Let it bleed,

Let it heal,

And let it go,

And I hope...

I hope you will find someone who would know how to love you when you are sad,

When you have had enough of everyone around,

I hope he knows how to comfort you,

And make you feel better,

When all the world have stood against you,

I wish he will always be by your side,

And I hope...

I hope he loves you like I do,

I sigh..

And I...

I wish you remember me,

As if you remember me,

Then I do not care if everyone else forgets,

I...

I would have offered you the world,

But you said that you had your own,

And I..

I still think about you,

But I don't say it anymore.