Nimbus

I am made of flaws, layers of insecurities weaved together with threads of fear, embedded on a weak fragile heart, I am lost in the realm I've created, I am a king of my own imaginary domain, I don't have anybody, but I never needed any companions, I perfectly crafted my territory that no one can reach up to me, no one has the chance of triumphing over me, I am on top, but still I am endeavoring to be more than what I am today, I am fearless, I am the one everyone used to look up to as a role model, I was chosen, I was the one that is supposed to set everyone free, but I struggle with decisions, I can't make up my mind, I cannot trust my clueless empty heart, and my brain is so fucked up it wouldn't stop thinking of every single possible and impossible circumstances, it is an ordeal, a dilemma of its own.
But the life I am living is indubitably deranged, I have lost any means of harmony, it is baffling mystery to everyone that knows me, but somehow, it is a particularly piquant story, an intriguing puzzle, I cannot be solved, ergo I am trapped in a sophisticated web of the lies I keep telling, forsooth I am a sadist, at least that's what I was made to believe, but that is incogitable for me, my ego will always sugarcoat every little flaw I have, it is fancy and demiurgic, and ornamental withal. I cherish the life I am living; I smell of my own musk and darkness, an alluring mix that makes my blood burn, a pulchritudinous paragon, I am comfortable in the unwanted world I have created, it suits me well.
I loathe most the people on sight, I decided to abstain from involving in their world, I yearn for a glimpse of human connection, yet I am so indulged in an inertia, I drove myself into an oblivion, I try to make my way through a gloomy corridor lit by oil lamps, but soon enough I am dispirited, and I manage to subdue an instinct to escape. It is atrocious; surrendering to what you have become, I pump gobs of heroin through my bruised arm, I put on my headphones and promptly I start dancing in a desultory fashion, a futile attempt to make myself feel a little better, to make me feel like a king again.
Irresponsible actions have garrisoned my kingdom, a vain effort I do every day in an attempt to equilibrate the unsteadiness I am imprisoned in, sometimes I can hear my bones straining from the weight of all the lives that I did not live. And for once, I am afraid; I will never achieve the status I desired, I say that as I have another shot of Absinthe; The ambrosia that is constantly pushing me into different levels of amnesia, a constant urge to keep going into divergent measures of delirium, an unmatched aeipathy.
My life is going to end and so will yours, I will be looking for the Elysium within the labyrinth of my hallucinations, I sing myself another lullaby as I lie on the cold marble floor gazing into the crystal chandelier above me, the clear crystal slowly turns into an obsidian that creates a perfect replica of the golden chandelier, I am an aesthete living in an aphotic place, the sole method of speaking I know is breviloquence as I am too tired of trying to illustrate what I am going through to everyone else, I am innocent, at least that is what I try to constantly believe, I tend to regularly wear an immaculate white suit to contrast the darkness inside me, I have a small spot in front of my home that is solely planted with vivid incarnadine roses that I perfectly aligned in a mesmerizing constellation, I capture a few crimson petals every week to fit perfectly in the margin of my notebook, a memento in a miscellany I have collected.
I am in constant search for a state of tranquility, it feels like all the happiness I can have is transient, a brief glimpse of hope making its way through my vacuity, the other day I bought a turquoise rug to match with the white velvety texture of the sofa I am lying on, I sit down and I roll another cigarette and I exhale clouds of grey smoke to match the grey zone I am living in; A continuous battle for my sanity, I walk over to an old dusty wooden turntable that I have forgotten that I had, I look through a tall column of stacked vinyl records for vast artists from the last millennium, I used to indulge in these smoothly orchestrated pieces of art, I place a Pink Floyd record on the platter and turn the switch on, as the old worn-out motor driving the platter starts to engage, I dance ecstatically in an evanescent state of euphoria, with trembling steps and a cigarette in hand I walk towards the veranda, I rest the soles of my guilt-stained hands on the rusty rails that surround the veranda neatly, I take a look at the fuliginous sky around me, the crumbled golden maple tree leaves as they slowly fall into the wet muddy ground, I have always found comfort in Autumn; its resplendent colors always managed to lighten up my soul.
A zephyr of wind conveys coldness to my bruised weak chest, I shiver briskly, I make my way swerving back inside, I consume another bottle of  intoxicating drink as I try to soothe myself from the persistent agony I am in, I scream tumultuously, I know I am stuck in a loop, a lonely miserable world that I chose to build deliberately with my own helpless hands, an imaginary domain which I made myself a king on, it has one exit, a long corridor lit by oil lamps leading to an asylum, I smile carelessly and close those sleep deprived eyes as I lie restfully on the dusty burnt brown parquet.

Monday

In a windy cold Autumn day, you open your eyes slowly and carefully as the sun emits yellow golden rays that are too bright for those sleepy little eyes of yours, it starts off with the switch of the coffeemaker as it prepares you the sweetest cup of daily morning motivation that you thrive for every single day, you walk unsteadily with hesitant steps towards the kitchen and you hold on your coffee with trembling uncertain hands, you stop for a moment and look through your window to enjoy the beauty of the clouds through Autumn and the way the dry yellow crumbled leaves fall down slowly and hit the ground, you realize that no matter how high you are, you are going to hit a low one day.
You soon manage to push the ugly thoughts away, you were pale pink lipstick and apply some makeup over those full cheeks of yours, you've decided to go with dark orange powder to match the gloominess of Autumn, you sigh.. you have to go through another day at your job, another day of the hell you chose with your own hands, sometimes, you just want to quit, sometimes, you just want to go somewhere far away where no one recognizes you, it feels sort of that you are trapped in someone else's life; grow up, go to school, get a job, get married and raise your children, but through all of that, you realize that you never actually did any of those things because you wanted to, you were obliged to follow the system; A system you never liked, a carefully picked set of rules and orders that were forced on you and everyone around you, you are just like anybody right?, there's nothing special about you.
You get into your car heading towards your workplace, you've got yourself pretty much covered; A hot cup of coffee in the cup holder besides you, a Taylor Swift's CD playing through the dust-covered speakers of your car that you barely take care of and you roll down your window and light up a cigarette in an attempt to forget about the traffic you are stuck in, the smoke of the cigarette is slowly sneaking through the little gap of the window and is slowly taking your life away. And about time.. you have finally reached your workplace, the place you hate more than anything else, you are making your way through the tight corridors as you have arrived late.. again, you stand in front of your strict boss trying to find a way to convince him that you were late due to the traffic and that it was unintentional, you lie, once again, but you've been used to it, it became something natural for you, it's 10 minutes past 8 am, you sit behind your desk, turn on your computer and pray that the hour turns 4 pm in a blink of an eye.
It is 4 pm, finally, you are so thrilled that this day is over, but you are going to go through the same traffic again, anyway, it doesn't matter, you've finished another day of this dreadful October, on the way home you take a visit to a fast food drive-thru that you became very familiar of, you've made it home at last, you drop your leather expensive designer bag on the floor as it is not worth a cent, take off your heels and throw yourself on your unmade bed, you close your eyes and fall asleep to the sound of rain pouring heavily outside, at the end of the day, you don't know what you want, you don't know what you want to be, you're just like anyone else, lost and insecure.

Obsessed

All my life I was never there, I was just a ghost, you picked me up, showed me a different view of the very same life I was living, I went from staring into the same four walls to staring into those beautiful hazy eyes of yours, I found myself lying between your arms, I found peace when I found you, I found myself when I found you, and it just felt like I was born again, you are like my favorite song stuck in my head; easy to remember, hard to forget, you are my obsession, my daydreaming, my midnight thoughts, the man I see in my dreams.. all the heart I have left, I would give it to you, I don't want only words, if that's all you have to offer, I want you, I find myself thinking about you from time to time wondering what if I made you mine, I fell in love with you, your wavy black hair that you are too busy to comb, your big wide eyes that I often find staring blankly, the amount of time you spend to match your shirt with your shoes, I fell in love with your heart, your pure soul, the way you made me laugh, your confidence, the way you treated me, you believed in me, trusted me when no one did, you stood by my side when no one else would, you said that you like me, I remember once you had a break and I asked you to have coffee, you happily agreed, you went on talking for the whole hour while all I did was stare at you and your handsomeness, I think that's when I knew that I fell in love with you, you were not like the other guys, you were different, you were mine, and you loved that I am yours.

I wrote a diary of all the times we met, all the things you said to me and how you made me feel, every word you speak is added up to the book that I read every single night, I love how it makes me feel, you are different to me, different than anyone else, you are what makes me who I am, remember the photo we had on Christmas with our coworkers?, I cropped everyone and kept you, I glued it to the very first page of my diary, I cherished every single complement you said to me, I want to be more than just your friend, I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to waste any time either, I want to write poems about you until my pen dries out, I want to wait for you, I want to kiss you until my lips are sore and dry, I want you to hold me close, I want you to stare into my eyes and tell me that you love me, tell me that you feel the same as I do, tell me that you can't live without me, tell me how much you need me, tell me that you have had dreams about me just like all my dreams were about you, call me at the middle of the night just to talk, I don't want roses, tulips or diamond rings, I just want to be yours.

I can not understand anything but how much I love you and what you mean to me, my body is screaming your name, the blood in my veins is flowing for you, you are the first idea that crosses my mind every single day, it feels that my heart just wants to jump out of my chest and hold you, I found peace when I was confused in you, I found hope when I was let down in you, I hope to find it in the end, let me love you, satisfy my cravings for you, hold me closer, come to me, don't let my love be wasted, no one will love you like me, no one has ever rejected me before, I fell in love with an illusion of you, something I created in my messed up mind, you are the one that I do not see in my future, but as it, it is difficult to rewrite the story you tell yourself every night, what we got here, how did we fucking get here, you are supposed to be mine, I do not care about anybody else but you, come back, don't let this love be a waste, you promised me everything will be okay, you text me like we are lovers but treat me as a casual acquaintance; which are you, which am I?, you promised me to be there if I needed you, we can't be just friends, we are perfect for each other, how can you not see what I see, you are my prince and I am your only princess, baby come back, grab my hand, let's try again, open your heart, let me come inside, let me be your lover, let us be who we are supposed to be, don't let me down, don't break my heart, look into my eyes, you are all what I need, you belong to me, as you are and I am all yours, as I am. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to love anyone else, I can't believe everything I feel for you is not enough, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about us together and what we are going to achieve, I don't know what to do without you, you are everything to me, the unrequited dream, a song that no one sings, the unattainable, you are a myth that I have to believe in, all I need to make it real is one more reason, so please I know you baby, I believe you can love me, don't complicate it, just let it be, you belong with me, I know that you want to stay, I hope you want to stay.

Boomerang

I feel that the train of life has passed me,

I am standing all alone in an abandoned train station with all the people that have done terrible things in life; those who have hurt other people, others who have spent their life taking advantage of others, potheads and dope fiends, and there is me, I am not sure why I am standing here with those people, I am not a saint, but I am not sure of what is going on around me, I am lost.

It is dark here, lonely, everyone is so downhearted, confined to their own secrets, the overall atmosphere around me is dull, there's not a single cloud in the sky. It is sad, how all of us here prefer to keep to themselves and not talk to each other, it is like we all know that no matter what we do, the air of melancholy will still surround us, and this gloomy black cloud of guilt will always be above our heads. I do not remember how I got here, I am not sure about anything, I reach into the pockets of my jacket looking for answers, I find a piece of paper in my right pocket with a serial of numbers written on it; '50217''; It does not make any sense.. Or are they supposed to be a code for something I am about to figure out? I reach for my left pocket to find some pills, some of them fall on the ground as I try to understand what are they, they are bright red in color, I have no background in medicine or whatsoever, I swallow one in an attempt to find out what are they.

I feel energetic, I feel good all of a sudden, I think it is possible that this 'buzz' is due to the pill I took a couple of minutes ago, I refuse to believe that, but everyone are talking to each other, everyone is relatively happy despite the immense darkness around us, I am starting to believe that there's something inside the pill I just took, whatever it is, it made me feel happy.. I am not feeling well, but at the same time, I feel better than I felt few minutes ago when I first got here.

"You will get used to it here" - says a raspy voice from the crowd around me. I take a good look at him, he is tall, with a long white beard, his face is barely visible underneath the hoodie he is wearing, but his eyes were bloody red, his clothes are ripped and his shoes were in terrible condition, I ignore him in attempt to hold my ground and walk away from him in disturbance.

I found an old wooden chair with one of its legs broken, I grab some rocks from underneath the railway as I try to sit the chair up straight, it worked... It is not perfect, but I think it is going to be safe, I lay myself down staring at the ugly black sky above me, there aren't any stars tonight, I grab that piece of paper again and try to understand what the numbers mean, I fold it back as I sigh in disappointment, I close my eyes for few minutes as I try to absorb what is going around me and have a moment of peace away from the wildness around me.

I wake up to the drops of rain falling on my miserable face, this time it is raining heavily through the dull quiet sky, I do not know for how long I have slept, I wipe the raindrops off my face and look around me for a place to cover myself from this unexpected visitor, I still haven't understood anything that is going around me here, it is still my first night here and probably the longest I have ever had, I look around me and I find a well-lit bright train station, I walk over to the train station, there is an old metal door that squeaked creepily as I pushed through it, it is unbelievably warm in here, everyone are inside, except for that old man that approached me earlier that wrapped a blanket around himself, I look around me and I notice that everyone around me are lying on the ground, they are like homeless monsters, soulless monsters, I reach out for my pocket and swallow another pill, a couple of minutes of loneliness pass and suddenly everyone is so active again, they are talking to each other again, some are playing cards, others are smoking a cigarette, it just does not make any sense to me, I am not sure whether I am dreaming or am I  awake, or am I hallucinating, nothing makes sense to me anymore, the only thing I am sure about is that there is something about those pills that just changes everything.

Suddenly, everyone becomes quiet and they stop whatever they were doing, they look up at me since I am the only one standing, and they say the phrase: "You will get used to it here" together over and over, "What do you want from me?" - I yell in disbelief, everyone stares at me for a minute, then they return to quietness, they become soulless humans again, I wrap my hands around my head as I notice that I do not have any hair, it was all shaved recently, I do not remember having a haircut, I try to escape from the scene I just created, I walk around the train station looking around for somewhere quiet, I find a bathroom, it does not really look fancy but I need a couple of minutes to breathe, I walk inside, it smells like weed in here, I sigh, I walk over to the sink and I turn on the faucet, water starts to leak slowly over the dirty sink, I wait until the sink is completely full then I lay my head inside the dirty cold water as I try to collect my thoughts, my head was completely under the water, I take no breaths hoping that this was just a nightmare I am having and I am going to wake up any second in my bed to the sound of my kids as they get themselves prepared for the first day of school.

All of a sudden, a nurse walks in nervously, she yells "The patient in room 50217 is trying to kill himself again!", she pulls my head out from the sink, and a group of sophisticated doctors and their nurses surround me,  they put on a straitjacket on me and lay me down on a bed forcefully, one of the doctors gave me some drugs through my arm as I lay down trying to resist, it is so bright now, I feel like the sun is right above me, I close my eyes and as I am falling asleep under the effect of the drugs a nurse smiles at me and says: "You haven't been taking your drugs, Mr. J.", "You know you should take your drugs to get better", I do not get the chance to reply as I fell asleep peacefully.

I wake up few hours later to find myself alone in a room, there is no longer a train station, no magic pills, no one around me, just me in a hospital room, it turns that after all, I am a monster, just like them, just like everyone else, a soulless hopeless man in an eternal isolation. I am waiting for a train, a train that will take me far away, I know where I hope the train will take me, but I can't be sure, yet it does not matter.

Impulse

A hundred and one things for you:
1. Everyone has to start somewhere; you are not the only one who finds beginnings difficult.
2. It's alright to lose track, to feel weak, to lose interest for a short period. But always remember why you started in the first place and let it drive you.
3. There's no such thing as a defined path for success, you are going to carve your own path in life, a walk you will have to walk alone, you are the creator of your own destiny.
4. Don't look back - It is not going to lead you anywhere.
5. Never underestimate every small step you take, every small detail will build up to become a piece of a much bigger achievement, a masterpiece you are creating.
6. In this life you will have both allies and enemies; Be good to both, but trust only those who are willing to help you be what you want to be.
7. Relax, good things come to those who wait.
8. You will realize you have two enemies; Time and yourself, make sure to have proper control over both.
9. You are the only one who knows your true capabilities, do not let anyone else tell you anything different.
10. You can do what you have always dreamed about, all you need is dedication, dedicate yourself for what you love and let it happen.
11. Friends can motivate you, but in the end, your pure source of energy is yourself, keep that in mind.
12. Your mind is beautiful; It is a work of art, it can achieve the unthinkable, let your imagination run wild.
13. Every flower must grow through dirt.
14. Do not let anything hold you down; All of your problems are not really worth your time, always try to let go of what bothers you.
15. Whenever you are going through a tough day, wear your favorite outfit and spend a day out doing something you love, once you know how to be happy you will never settle for anything less.
16. There's always time to do something; Do not convince yourself that you are too tired or too busy to do something, if you are willing to do something you will find the time to do it.
17. Do not surround yourself with negative people. At this point, the last thing you need is someone to drag you down.
18. We all hit rock-bottom; We all have been through miserable days, it is alright, do not blame yourself, time will pass and everything is going to be okay.
19. Always believe in yourself, if you do not then nobody would.
20. The way you treat people is what defines you, it is your reputation, treat people the way you like to be treated.
21. Do not settle for something that you know you deserve better, know your true worth.
22. Your goals are not just goals, they are plans waiting to be achieved, start doing.
23. It is alright to cry, let it all out, but promise yourself that once it's done you will not ever let it bother you again.
24. Each player must accept the cards they are dealt; life is not equal to everyone, but know how to play your cards properly in order to win the game.
25. Believe that there's good in the world, you just have to look closely.
26. You are invincible.
27. Listen carefully to what people say, understand them, know how to handle each different type of personality.
28. In your life, you will have strangers, acquaintances, friends and best-friends; Get to know where each relationship falls.
29. Do not be afraid of love; Fall in love, You never know when you might run into the right one for you.
30. Do not be scared to try something new; Life is a roller-coaster, try something new today, it is better to try something and regret it than regret not doing it at all.
31. Life comes with standard checkpoints; Graduation from school and university are just beginnings, do not limit your achievements.
32. Leave a fingerprint in life, make a change wherever you are.
33. A lost love is not the end of the world; It is an experience, once you should learn from.
34. There's no such thing as failure; We all fall sometimes, but do not address something as a failure, I am sure there's something positive in every fall you had.
35. You have got this, you can do it, I promise you that you can and will do it.
36. Your life at this current moment is the product of what you have created, take a look at it, are you satisfied with what you see?
37. If you do not like where you currently are, make a change, it is never too late to be what you have always wanted to be.
38. Your hobbies are yours, you are free to enjoy whatever you like, do not be embarrassed of something you love.
39. Wear somethings you like, do not follow trends with your eyes closed; Do whatever you want to do, make your own style.
40. Nobody likes quitters; Do not be one.
41. If you are tired of starting over, start differently, maybe you have been doing something wrong.
42. Work hard; Not to impress someone, but for yourself, do not set a limit for what you are capable of achieving.
43. Have a role model, someone to look up to, it might be your father, your best-friend or one of your teachers. Whoever you choose, choose wisely.
44. Do not let your heart control your decisions, it might feel right, but decisions based on logic would most probably have a better outcome.
45. When you are lacking any new ideas, remember that trees fall their leaves every Autumn, only to grow again the next Spring.
46. Break molds; You were not made to fit in.
47. You have been torn down so many times, but you managed to get through these times, give yourself some credit.
48. You are responsible for what you say and what you do, be careful with your words and actions because one they are said and done, you can never take them back.
49. Spread positivity wherever you go.
50. Stop trying to be someone else, because you, yourself, deserve every moment of your own love and acceptance, you are perfect the way you are.
51. Your ability to grow correlated with your ability to tolerate failure.
52. Do not study because you need to, study because knowledge is power.
53. Take time to what makes you happy.
54. The best gift you can give to someone is your time, be loyal to the people you love, stand by their side when it matters.
55. Be a warrior; There will be times when you have to be strong.
56. When you listen to people speak, really listen, their words are just as important as your own.
57. Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is with you.
58. Sometimes it may feel like the whole world is against you, stand strong and prove them wrong.
59. Step outside your comfort zone, be yourself and do not hold yourself down with your own fear.
60. Respect everyone's opinion as long as it does not disrespect you.
61. It does not matter how fast you are moving, as long as you are making a progress.
62. Just when you think you have reached the end, you are standing at a new beginning, never stop achieving.
63. Make time for yourself to set down and go through what happened in your day each night, allow yourself to clear your mind.
64. Look at your life as it is and fall in love with its entire complexity.
65. Only you are in control of who you become and how you are going to get there.
66. The creative adult is the child who survived, keep up your passions.
67. Everything is possible once you have set your mind to it.
68. Concentrate on what you can do at this current moment that your future self will thank you for.
69. Dream big, do not think that where you are today reflects where you are going to be.
70. I do not want to hear that you are going to do it tomorrow, you should have been finished two days ago. Do not be a procrastinator.
71. You know your destination, not anyone else, keep your mind clear and focused.
72. Do not just do something, find the desire to do it, find a motive, something that will keep pushing you forwards.
73. It is alright to be bored, you are human after all, take a break and come back stronger.
74. There is nothing in life that comes easy, acknowledge this, be patient.
75. Patience is the key to success, do not rush things, the right time will come for you to achieve whatever you want.
76. This world is not perfect, and you are not too, live with your flaws, understand yourself.
77. You are never a loser until you quit trying.
78. Whenever you have something that is bothering you, find someone you trust to listen to you, if you can not find anyone write it down on a piece of paper, get things off your chest.
79. No amount of anxiety makes any difference to what is going to happen.
80. There are some people in your life that are blessings from God, hang on to those people, give them everything you have.
81. Stop looking for the light, become one.
82. Live a life worth writing down, do not just be anybody, be different.
83. No matter how far you have walked down the wrong road,  you can always turn around.
84. Be honest, lies may get you through sometimes but eventually truth is always the right thing to do.
85. Make an impression wherever you go, you are not just an ordinary person, you are special and unique.
86. You can climb mountains, go through storms, you will conquer all pitfalls and roadblocks, nothing can stop you.
87. There's nothing in life that is worth your sadness; Always remember that everything is going to be alright, just give it some time.
88. Do not indulge yourself so much in your devices; Life is much more than chats and pictures, go outside and see the beauty of life.
89. Travel somewhere new, keep discovering new places and people. Jobs fill your pocket, adventures fill your soul.
90. Speak your mind even when you think people will not understand; Do not silence yourself to please others.
91. This life comes with ups and downs, highs and lows, embrace your highs and learn from your lows.
92. Always remember the role your family had in your life; They will always be there for you, they will always understand.
93. You will meet so many people in life, but most probably your mother is best person you have ever meet, love her and show her the right amount of appreciation she deserves. The love received from the mother can not be matched by anyone else.
94. It is never the wrong time to learn a new hobby, a new language or a new instrument, take a break from life and try something new.
95. Push yourself because no one else is going to.
96. Always try to see the positive side in every person, even if you do not see it, treat everybody equally.
97. Learn to love yourself, because once you do, your relationship with everybody else changes.
98. Making mistakes is unavoidable, but how you handle them afterwards? What kind of personal growth you will allow yourself to?
99. The more you are thankful, the more you attract things to be thankful for.
100. Give everything you do a hundred percent of your effort, never settle for anything less, never settle for unfinished goals.
101. You are going to be someone special; I know so, you are going to achieve more than anyone else, believe in yourself and everything is going to be alright.

Centuries

In our lives comes a moment when we realize we are no longer immature irresponsible teenagers and after this moment we are something different, something new, exciting with a unique thrill to it, we are no longer children, our words and actions are now of exquisite value, we do not remember the exact moment when we became adults, some say it is after the first bad relationship, other say it is when you graduate from university, I think it is somewhere in between, between all the deadlines you had to meet, all the friends you tried to keep,  just there, you grew, you began to see things from a new perspective.
Change.. is inevitable.
Nothing is more painful to the human mind than a sudden and unexpected change, we tend to take things and people for granted, as they are permanent, as they will always be here with us, no matter what the circumstances they are going through, we even believe that each individual has got themselves as a someone they can always count on.
When you begin to love yourself, your relationship with everyone else changes, your relationship with yourself does too, the way you look at yourself in the mirror is no longer the same, you are different, yet the same, no matter how many times you tried to convince yourself that you are still the same, you are not.
People will notice you are no longer the same person you were two years ago, people will tend to let you go, you will have less friends but you will get to know everybody, and for once in your life, losing friends will not be tragic to you, I think maturity and change coexist together, once you grow, you grow different, people barely recall anything from their childhood, it is who you are as an adult that defines you.
As days go by, you begin to understand new traits hidden among the misery you locked in for years, you get to a point where you miss certain things about yourself, the way you used to talk with people, your pure reactions or laughing genuinely like you have never laughed before, everything is different.
But life is about evolving, and you cannot stay in a position that does not help you grow mentally, emotionally or spirituality, you cannot force a certain change yourself, just let it be, this hurricane is chasing us all, change is inevitable, it is a process of life.
And all the shattered hopes and the dreams not lived, all the lost relationships and once-called dear friends, all the ups you thought you would never get and the downs you were trying to forget, it got you here, it made you who you are today, a masterpiece.

The Sound of Silence

Chapter I: The Breakdown:

It's 6 am in the morning, the alarm rings, I stare at the alarm clock and wonder how am I going to survive this week, I turn to the other side of the bed as I convince myself that I need just few more minutes to sleep, I know that I must get up now or I will be late for work again, I sigh, I get up and sit on the edge of the bed with my eyes half open, oh how nice it would be to take a break from living to experience life, I am tired physically and drained emotionally, I walk up to the bathroom and let the water run down from the sink for a couple of seconds while I look at my sleep deprived face as I fill my hands with cold water as I try to get my self-awake and ready for the day. I have a feeling today is going to be different, it is Tuesday, not really my favorite day of the week but the weather is nice and warm this time of the year and I am feeling somehow energized despite the ridiculous amount of sleep I have been getting. I have to leave now or I will be late, I get in my car, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, it is not much of a fancy car but my neighbor was leaving the town and he did not need it so I got it in a decent price, the place I work in is luckily a couple of minutes away from where I live, I am an accountant and all I do all day is sit on a chair in a tiny desk among a hive of other employees in front of a computer screen entering numbers and doing calculations, the work hours are long, I hate my job but their salaries are good, back in college I did not think that this is what my life will become, I always believed that I can make it and be something huge one day, I thought a would write a success story of my own one day, nevertheless I am good at what I do, after a while my mind just got used to it, it feels like my second nature, to go out there 5 days every week, to sit in the same chair doing the same things over and over, sometimes I do not feel the load of the work, other days I am praying for that clock to turn to 5 pm.

Everyone around me these days either got engaged, married or celebrating the birth of their first child, it is silly if you ask me, I have never thought of these things, I always believed that everything will just work out magically 'when the time is right', I am turning 30 soon, I am into 30's... it is both weird and exciting, but at the same time gloomy, I do not know what to say about that, at certain times I feel like I am totally ready to get married and start a family maybe, other times I feel like I will regret letting go of the life of a single man, I mean I make around a thousand pounds each month, I own my small apartment where I live and I am not the type of guys that actually spends money, so on the long term, I will be fine, and I love it, living completely alone with no rules or whatsoever, cooking whatever you want for dinner, meeting up with friends and leaving home whenever you like. It is calm, and after all the work I have during the day that is exactly what I need, but at the same time however it is lonely sometimes, my friends say I should get a dog.. or a cat, but I hate both, I can barely take care of myself, besides, I spend a lot of time outside my home and I do not really have time for pets right now. It is some kind of a dilemma, I love being alone but at the same time I know this is not a great way to live, everyone keeps telling me that this is how life goes, that it goes in steps and the next step for me is to find someone that I can trust, to move to a better apartment and to get married, I think it is a little bit wrong, life just does not work that way, I am not a true believer of love, or 'falling in love', I think that people romanticize everything, like it doesn't have to be that way, there's no certain 'stairway to heaven' as they say, I think that any two people who can trust each other can live together, there is no love or magic in it, I think that love is misunderstood to be an emotion, it is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others. But that's only me, and everyone always say that I am mistaken to think this way, and that this road leads to nowhere but eternal loneliness and misery, perhaps they are right, I do not like to think of this, I kind of feel old for this right now.

It is Thursday today and my friends at work would like to arrange something tonight, I don't know, I am not really feeling the mood of it, but I think some fresh air would be good for me, it is about time that I start feeling better again. It is 5:30 pm, I just got home, and I think I am going to take a shower, relax for a couple of hours and then meet the guys at 8:00 pm. The weather lately has been a total mess, I really do not know how to wear properly, I think I am going for a white T-Shirt and light blue jeans, not really fancy I know, but I tend to care so little about the way I look these days, we are going to a local restaurant, we are good friends with the owners they are an amazing family, we sit down and order their signature burgers, I always loved my burger to be cooked well, but Emily loved hers to be medium-well, and ever since she was gone, I always ordered it the way she liked it, Emily was my wife, we got married 7 years ago, we did not have any kids, we were planning to.. but she was gone way too soon, she passed away 2 years in a car accident, an idiot was drunk and crossed a red light, he rammed her vehicle from her side, she was rushed to the ICU, the doctors said she had no chance, I remember how I cried at the side of her bed holding her hand, she didn't say anything, no last words, the trauma of the accident left her in a coma state for few hours until her soul was taken away, I live that moment every single day, I just cannot forget this, it is not possible, my friends keep saying it is about time that I should just let her go, but her memory haunts me wherever I go, I remember how she used to splash ketchup all over her fries, how much time it takes her to finish a meal and how much she loved the music they play here.. Ugh, the memories, you cannot live without them but you also can not erase them, I take another sip of my beer as I hope the bitterness of its taste is more than the bitterness of this memory, How can you erase someone from your life who once meant the world to you, I wonder. It seems that whenever I leave my apartment to have some change, I feel worse, all the places I go are filled with her memory, I hear the sweet words she said in every single place every time I go there, I know I can never have her back, I know that she would not want to see me this way, but I really cannot help it, I cannot not feel this, she left so much for me to remember, and the way she was gone left me in a constant state of shock. It is around 1:00 am now, I walk towards the exit feeling not really well, I should not have consumed that much, it is too late to regret now, I shall pray to drive myself home safely, I get in my car, I swallow a couple of Aspirin pills that I tend to always keep in my car as I somehow seem to constantly have a rough day, I can barely drive.. but I made it home peacefully, thank god, I walk into my apartment, throw my shoes away, and I walk towards the bedroom, I have kept a box under the bed, It says "Emily", it is where I kept everything that reminds me of my wife, our first picture together, our trip to Paris the last summer we had together, the letters I sent to her, the drawings she painted for me and our wedding rings, I do not wear it anymore, I just cannot wear it, it tears me apart, I kept this box so whenever I miss my beautiful wife I can come here and just remind myself of how wonderful of a person she was, I sigh, why was God so cruel and took her away like that, I am not much of a believer, but I do not deserve this, not Emily, not my lovely wife, It seems after all this time, no matter where I go, she will always be the only one which I truly loved, Emily.. Oh I wish you were here with me, she had this way of cheering me up like no one else could, she would sing a little cute song that made no sense but I loved it and it made my day every time she sang it, "Oh my handsome man, how can I love you more than now?, Oh my handsome man...", I remember everything.., she was too good to be true, I was so lucky to find her, I want her back, I close the box of Emily and tuck it back in its place, I lie down on the bed in tears as I hope that she might visit me in my dreams tonight, I pray for a better tomorrow, I pray for this agony to end, Oh how much I loved her, how much I loved her...

Emily was my best friend, my partner and my amuse, we were 'the perfect couple', everyone around us would be dazzled of how well we knew each other, we were soulmates, I could read her mind and she could read mine, we had a way of understanding each other, something different, something unique, our love was not traditional; it was not all about sweet texts and roses, we were different, we never liked romantic stuff, we loved to live wild and free, I remember once we had matching tattoos saying 'forever young' on our arms, I smile, those memories of you always tend to make me smile even though I am tearing inside, it seems that time can heal a lot, but not your loss, come back!, even as a shadow, even as a dream, come back and bring this aching soul back to life, come back so we can grow old together as we promised, come back so we can have beautiful children just like their mom, Ugh, you will never come back, and I will never feel the same again, honey you missed a lot, and I miss you and now I am a mess, inside out, searching for a way I can have you here again, searching for you, and now it is too late, the only family I have got is empty bottles and journals, I am telling stories of what happens when a guy has nothing left to lose, I am telling the story of you, the story of Emily.

They say you may escape everything, but not death, death is inevitable, it is the only person we are all eventually going to meet. Sometimes, the emptiness crawls back up on me, some days I feel that the world is too heavy or the air is too thin, and breathing is harder than it has to be, some days all I want to do is curl up in a little ball, under sheets and blankets that smell of home, and pray that it is only going to get better from here, some days you give up, some days you just want to lay down on your bed and sleep until you're body had enough. It's easy for me to say I've forgotten, so much time passed. You see, the memories of your love, they're the kind that last. But I would rather be alone, than to pretend to be alright with someone else. Look at me, I am caffeine in the morning, I am half-full diaries ripped apart, I am an ashtray of half-burnt cigarettes, I spend every day just praying it goes over peacefully, I pray to be well, I want to be well, it's all in my mind, I hope it's all in my mind.

And some days I just feel the need to disconnect myself from the world, because I crave a conversation between me and myself, I used to think we took our shoes off to keep our home clean but it is really to respect the land she walks on, I remember how we used to lie down on the roof of our house staring at the stars, we used to spend a long time gazing at their beauty, we forgot our thoughts and forgot where we belong in the world, only thing that mattered was the stars above us, I remember we spent hours waiting for something to happen, but somewhere in between the lights of the stars above us I forgot to cherish the one next to me, it is such a shame that each star shines so far apart, you were the star that illuminates my heart, a thousand miles separate us, but you will always be near.

Life went on, but it was never the same again, I am still me, I haven't changed, I still do the same things I did when you were here, I wanted you to know how much I love you, but it is too late now, Oh Emily, I am sick of writing about you, but I cannot find anything else to write about, I cannot just a create a prison of memories and lock you inside, I figured out that I am most inspired by sadness, I am always looking for something new, I am falling apart, I died a hundred times, I lived only once, but once was not enough, everything we had was lost, gone with the wind, I feel hopeless, I am dying to find someone to love, maybe just for a while, maybe she can make me forget how much you meant to me, maybe she is someone like you, or maybe my heart will never love again, maybe what I had is not an experience I can live again, or maybe I can, but I haven't found anyone close to you, maybe I will, but I don't know if I would want her the way I want you, or maybe I will never find anyone close to you, it is a long list of maybes that could only be answered with time, and I am patient enough to see where this goes, or will those questions in my head remain unanswered?, I do not know, all I know is that I am curious to see where my life is going, and what's next for me, I am standing on a thin road with hell beneath me, I have no where left to go, I have to find a way back home, a way back to who I was, I have to find myself among all of this mess, I have to at least try.

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Chapter II: The Verge:

I am thinking of doing something different today for a change, even though I am not much of a party guy, I decided to meet up with some friends tonight, it is supposed to be fun, I am going to a friend's party, he just got a promotion, yeah.. life is so not fair I know, anyway I am planning to have a good time nevertheless, I put on a white shirt, grey trousers and a black leather jacket as it is a little bit cold outside as usual, I get in my car, "All I need is the look in your eyes" - is what the singer says as I turn on the radio, this won't stop right?, wherever I go I will find these things to remind me of times worse than today, I have been thinking too much, I need a break, I need a cigarette, I decide to pull over for a couple of minutes while I enjoy this cigarette, I light up the cigarette and inhale all the filthy smoke inside, all these chemicals, all this rubbish goes inside my lungs, through my veins to feed the ego in my head, it is an addiction, a guilty pleasure, something I am trying to quit but obviously I am not strong enough to do so. 

I just made it to my friend Tom's place, "Man it is loud in here" - I say to myself as I start to have second thoughts about this, but either way I hold my ground and walk inside, it is so crowded in here; It seems like he invited the whole town, Tom is a very popular man, he just got promoted the other day and he is definitely having a good time, he is dancing like a lunatic, Oh god his dance moves are the worst I swear, I bet he drank the whole bottle of Vodka he is holding in his left hand all by himself, I need a drink myself this is going to be a long night, I walk over to the bar, I pour myself a glass of cocktail, I have no idea what is this made of, it looks like it is a punch cocktail, I find myself a corner as I try to act like I am having a good time while I enjoy this cocktail I am holding in my hand, everyone seems to be having a good time, I don't want to ruin this party with my boring ideas and suicidal thoughts, I think I am not going to stay here for a long time, perhaps just a couple of hours, I seem to get bored easily nowadays, or shall I say it seems that I am not enjoying anything anymore, yeah.. whatever, I don't know, it feels like my life is a never ending cycle of perhaps and maybes, an incomplete book, a story not very well written, I find myself constantly thinking about myself most of the time, is it that I am too worried on myself, or because I have no one else to worry about, I really do not know, I am starting to question everything nowadays it is starting to become really really annoying, I am finding it difficult for me to attach to anyone or any sort of activities nowadays, it feels like the spirit inside me is aching and its only cure is my old addictions, I try to keep myself alert all the time just so I can spend my time doing something that can drive me away from thinking, I hope these thoughts can stop, I really hope so...

"Hi!", "Hi..?" - A sweet voice says to me as I was staring blankly indulged in my own thoughts, "Oh Hi, I am sorry I didn't notice you" - I reply, "God you're stunning!" - I say in shock, she was around 5'4", she had a golden complexion, she wasn't dark or white, just somewhere in between, she had big beautiful brown eyes, long straight black hair, she wasn't overweight nor skinny, she was perfect, in her own beautiful unique way, her face was drawn beautifully, she wore a proper amount of make-up, she didn't look cheap nor too classy, she looked normal, average but beautiful, she wore a knee-length maroon dress with black shoes that made her look like an absolute princess, I wonder what she is doing here talking to a loser like me, I think I no longer understand women, or shall I say I lost the proper way of handling women, loving women, or anything close to that, I think that ever since I lost Emily no one has ever impressed me or made me feel the same...

"Oh how sweet of you, what's your name?"  - She said, 

"Peter, and you beautiful lady?" - I said,

"Teresa" - she answered,

"So what do you do for living" - she asks in wonder.

"I am an accountant, I work for 'Felix and Co.' and you?" - I said.

She was a pharmacist, she worked in a small pharmacy a couple of blocks away from where I live, I wonder how I never noticed the place where she works, I swear I go through that street every single day, but sometimes God just doesn't want you to go in certain direction, I am by no means a religious man, but I sort of believe in destiny and fate, it makes no sense I know, but that's how I like to think about it.

"Let's leave this place" - she said.

Wow, what's this woman thinking, anyway I am not really having a good time here, so we did, we left Tom's place, it wasn't much of a party and he is too drunk to remember that we left early.

"Your car is cute" - she giggled the moment she noticed my yellow Beetle.

"It was my neighbor's, he left the town and I bought it from him" - I say.

"I loved it!" - She says, strange, no one likes this piece of trash...

Anyway, we went for a drive across the town, the music was blasting through the radio as we were cruising with the windows open, the air was going through her silky smooth hair as she was singing along almost every single song on the radio, "Wow, you are amazing" - I say in disbelief, she was really fun, I enjoyed her company so far, she asked me to stop at a local park to walk for a while as she got a little bored of the city, she was full of energy, beautiful, crazy... but I loved her madness, we decided to walk through the park, it is 3 am in the morning and we are all alone in here, only us, the stars and the silver moon, watching us quietly as we tend to let go of everything and enjoy the moment, we have been walking for a couple of minutes with both of us babbling about each other’s achievements and goals, we sit on a wooden brown bench for a couple of moments to catch our breaths, she rests her head over my shoulder and smiles, I felt like I knew her for ages, I felt like we have been together for years, it felt unique, spontaneous and extraordinary. She holds my hand and we both lie on the wet green grass, staring at the moon in wonder, mesmerizing our eyes with the beautiful stars above us, this reminds me of Emily, but I try to wash that memory away as I try to enjoy this one...

"Have you ever wondered about your future?" - She asked,

"I do, all the time" - I answer.

"Have you ever loved someone from the moment you saw them?" - She asked.

"I don't know..." - I answer.

She turns at me and stares at my face with her beautiful wide eyes and says, "I think I am getting so close to" in the sweetest purest voice, I am shocked, I have no idea what is going on, is it possible that this woman loves me this fast, is it possible that I am falling for her, I don't know why she wants to be with me, when the rest of the world does not want to, is this meant to be, no, no, I am over-reacting, I have to stop this train of unwanted thoughts in my head, I have to get myself together, there's absolutely no way she means what she just said, I put on a ridiculous smile as I pray that she does not notice the mess in my head,

"You seem interesting, I would love to know you more" - She said.

Oh my god, what is this feeling, my heart, blood is pumping again through its rusty veins, my soul was set on fire, it feels unique, one of a kind, something I haven't felt in a while, could this be the start of something new, or did we have too much to drink tonight that both of us is unaware of what's going on, I can't be falling in love again, my heart gave up on love a long time ago, I did too...

"I would love to know you better, Teresa!" - I try to sound calm but I am obviously not.

After this not-really-comfortable experience for me, she decides that it is time to go home, she gets up and asks me to drive her home which I gladly do, I drive back home alone still not over what happened back in that garden, it is too good to be real, it is too good to real, she is too good to be real, I don't believe this, this is pure insanity. Oh, dear lord, I don't even know how to verbalize what happened there, it was magical, enchanting, something you can only hear about in movies or books, I have to get myself together this is way too much for me to handle, I had no idea this or anything similar to it could possibly happen, it is so overwhelming, I can't fall in love with someone I just met, this is not happening. I made it home, I go up the stairs waddling, I unlock the door of my apartment, hang my coat and I think I am going straight to bed, it is 6 am in the morning and I probably just ruined my biological clock, it was worth it though, quite a night I had, I haven't had a good night in a while, I am messed up right now after all that, I feel lost, I am really tired, I will just lay myself down hopefully I fall asleep quickly so these thoughts can finally stop, and I hope that tomorrow is as good as today, I can only hope at this point.

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Chapter III: Fire and Ice:

It's 10 am in the morning, I woke up dizzy, I am still confused of what happened yesterday, lost between my demons and my angels, between my past and present, sometimes I feel that the world works in a way that either too fast for me to comprehend or too slow for me to make any progress, I walk over to the bathroom, pour some water inside my hands that I held together and I close my eyes as I splash the cold water all over my face, the gush of ideas inside my head is unbearable, unstoppable and completely illogical, I try to make sense of my thoughts but most of the time I end up failing miserably, I can't understand myself, it is tiring, when you live the same events every single day, your life just loses its spark, its balance and its beauty. 

But no, yesterday wasn't the so-typical day, I was on a journey to heaven, I died so many times, I have not felt alive for 2 years, but yesterday was different, it was... uh, so overwhelming, I never thought anything like this might happen with me, I am usually not an emotional guy, but I can feel the emotions trying to explode from these cracked lips, beautiful words are coming out of me rhythmically, "Is it possible that one person can change so much in you in such a short period?" - I wonder, or "am I just romanticizing last night so much even though it is not going to lead anywhere?".. There's one way I can figure the answer to these questions, given the fact that I have nothing to lose, I was willing to try.
I stand under the shower as I let the water flow through my twisted mind as I try to get myself free of all these ideas that are weighing me down, I hope they can just go down with gravity like the water, I hope I feel cleaner insider, it has been a couple of minutes and I am still standing, staring blankly as I try to set my mind free, as I try to let those dull ideas and sad thoughts out of my brain, it has been two years, I have to let go, I can no longer live this way, the echoes of Emily's laugh are still in my head, I am trying so hard to forget, to let go of you, to build a new life for myself, to change this state of misery I am in, but at the same time, I can't do that easily, I can't just forget 7 years we spent together like they never existed, I can't just forget you Emily, we are like day and night, fire and ice, the sun and the moon, we are ups and downs, you are not here anymore, I can no longer love you, I can no longer hold you inside, I have been trying so hard over those 2 years to keep the pieces together, I have done everything I can to keep you here, but you are just not here, or ever will be, I am desperate to let you go, I don't want to, but I am afraid eventually I have to live with the fact that you are gone, I have to begin again from where you left, but this time I want to take things differently, I have made a mistake, holding on to you all this long did me nothing but pain and misery, I am sorry darling, my dreams became my reality, my only escape from this terrible life I am in, I missed you so much, but I cannot do this anymore, I know we never thought this could happen and sometimes I wish it was the other way around, but you cannot predict life, its ups and downs, or its spontaneity, you have to be prepared to expect the unexpected.

The fact that I am silent does not mean that I have nothing to say, there is a constant war inside of me, an endless conflict, an unfinished ending, a story waiting to be written, a mess, an ugly mess, I am no longer aware of what is going around me, it feels like the world conspired on me to make me miserable, I am going to change this, I will not be a prisoner of my own thoughts, I am breaking free for once and for all, I am going to be in control of my life, my choices and my decisions, Emily, you have no idea how much I loved you, but I am afraid it is time to let go, it is time to start looking forward instead of digging into the past, it is time for this aching soul to feel again, I am going to put everything behind me and start looking forwards, they say love is the only thing we take with us when we die, but for how long can I hold on to it?.

I am going to take a drive in my car, maybe it will help me concentrate on few things, as I am driving through the wet streets of the city I remember the wet grass me and Teresa lied on yesterday, I know where she works, perhaps I can pass by and say hello, or maybe I should not, what am I getting out of all of this, I do not want to guide myself into another heartbreak or another sad ending, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I feel like I really want to see this girl, I am going to pick up the pieces of me and carry myself over to where she works, I can see her through the glass, wearing dark skinny jeans and a white shirt, she never fails to look elegant, I am so out of my mind to come here and talk to her, but I am already here so I guess I have nothing to lose, I inhale a deep big breath and I leave my vehicle, "Wait, you cannot just go in there empty-handed right?" - I wonder, I have really forgot how to be around women, how to do things right, how to love them or how to appreciate them, I think I should get her some flowers, luckily there is a place I know a couple of blocks away, where my neighbor Sam works in.

"Hey Sam, how are you" - I say.

"Peter! It has been ages, how is everything?" - He says.

"Everything is good, hey I need a beautiful roses bouquet, do your magic as always!" - I say, it feels strange, the last time I bought a woman roses it was Emily, years from today, and here I am buying roses for another woman, am I counted as a cheater or this is what I was supposed to do eventually, I do not know, I swear I do not...
"There you go!" - He says as he is holding a big bouquet filled with white tulips, red roses and yellow dandelions.
"It is amazing, thanks Sam" - I say.
I think I am going to leave the car and walk over to her while I get the speech in my head so I do not mistakenly ruin everything we currently have, should I start off slowly and say something simple like a simple "Hey", or is that a little bit too silly, maybe I can kick it off with something flirty as "Hello beautiful", I have no idea, I cannot believe I am actually having difficulty talking to a woman, I should be stronger than this, Oh my god, I cannot believe I am actually nervous about this, I think I am just too worried that I may spoil everything, I hate myself for being too weak sometimes, I am two blocks away now, I have to get myself together, I plead for love, I beg for someone to pull me out of this agony, I am striving to find myself again, to see the scars of the past healed, I strive for an emotional stability, hold tight to me as I hold on to you, I made it to her place, I look okay, I think I had better days but I hope I can manage to talk properly without stuttering like a 10-year-old, I check my reflection at the glass of her door to make sure I do not look so pathetic, and with one hand holding on to the rose bouquet, I am making my way inside.

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Chapter IV: Reload:

The whole word just faded and all I could see is her, her big brown eyes, her mesmerizing smile, all I could see is her, her beauty was something out of this world, something words cannot justify, she looked lovely, she had this aura of energy that whenever I am around her I feel ten years older, I feel energized, I start to feel passionate about things I have never been a fan of, it is something she does I do not know what it is, but she controls me, she makes me want her in the most beautiful way, I feel like I belong to her, like we have known each other for years, I feel like I am hers, I wonder how she feels about me, but I am pretty sure about the way I feel towards her, no one has made me feel this way, no one has made me feel special, or even valuable, she does, and the way she works her magic leaves me speechless at the presence of her unmatched beauty, she was perfection, an angel from the sky that has finally found me, to rescue me from all the sins I have been doing, all the sleepless nights I had, all the so-called-friends I lost, to save me, to ignite new life inside of me, to set the young man in this body free, I want her to know me, to love me for my flaws before my virtues, I want to know her weaknesses, what she fears the most, what she is afraid of, what makes her sad, what cheers her heart up, I want to be around her, I want her to be mine.

"Peter! I knew you would come by" - She says.

And I forgot everything I have been practicing to say on my way to her, and suddenly I started to talk from within inside me, without thinking, it felt both weird and comfortable, to talk with someone freely without thinking about what might they say.

"I could not just stay away from you" - I reply, and an unreal gush of emotions hit me, I can feel my heart beating for this person, it has been a long time since I last felt something for someone, my heart feels like it is on fire, it is love, I know it is, they say love controls the way you talk or react to certain experiences, love defines the way you approach the person you love, it is a unique type of relationship, something you cannot relive with another individual.

"Me too, I was wondering when will you pass by" - She said.

I am generally good in relationships; I often can tell where they might lead, but this time I do not know, I really do not, I know where I want this to go, but I am not sure of its possibility, I do not know, I think I am falling for this woman, in this short time, it is possible, I know it is.

As we were indulging talking over whatever that came up on our curious minds, I started to notice some things about her, that make her special even more, the way she twiddles her fingers when she is shy or when I am being too flirty, the small but generous chuckle she gives to someone when no one understands their jokes, the glimmer in her eyes when starts passionately talking about something she loves, how her posture straightens when the idea of something she loves is brought, how she always manages to smile regardless even if I said something silly, I found myself all of a sudden so deeply in love with her, her curves, her smile and most importantly, her young soul, she was everything I need, I could not wait to fall in love again, I think Teresa is good for me, I hope I am good enough for her.

"Teresa, I have to tell you something" - I interrupt her speech as I feel I have to get this off my chest.

"You see, I have been married before... I was married for 7 years...My wife... Emily... She passed away in a car accident...” - I say as my eyes are filled with tears.

"Oh my god...” - She replies in wonder.

"Look, this is not going to change anything, it was a long time ago" - I reply as I am trying to win this battle in my mind between to let go of my past or not, and at the same time not lose what I have between my hands.

"Yeah... I do not have any problem with that... I mean, it has already happened and I am really sorry for your loss" - She replies confidently.

"Teresa... uh, look, I think you are the single most interesting woman I have ever met, I do not know I have never felt anything like this before" - I say while I stare into those big wide eyes.

"Oh Peter, I really feel comfortable with you, you are really nice and sweet" - She replies.

It has been a roller-coaster of emotions the past two days, I do not want to do something that I am going to regret, I think I am going to stop talking at this level, and I will give myself time before I decide a huge decision like this.

Our quick meeting came to an end and we both went home, each in their own direction, I lay on the couch for a couple of hours with only one thing on my mind, Teresa, I have not switched the channel a single time, I am so out of reach, out of mind, I can only think of one thing and one thing only, how can I be with this woman, and whether or not she feels the same, all these thoughts wandering in my head, I just had to start finding answers for all of this.

I decided to call her, it is either the craziest thing I have ever done or the wisest, I cannot tell right now, it is a little bit difficult to think in these current circumstances, she picks up the phone with a casual "Hello", we went on talking for a couple of hours, we stayed up all night talking on the phone, discussing our dreams and hopes, talking about our stupid failures and where we messed up in life, babbling about how much we are similar in everything, we were making a progress, we were getting to know each other, it was too soon to say that we were in love with each other, but I am pretty sure we both had that in mind, as an ultimate goal, something both of us is eager to get, something both of us has been deprived of.

We decided not to take anything quickly and not to rush things, she understood my past and what I had to go through, and I understood hers, it was difficult for both of us in the first couple of weeks, but we sort of got used to having each other, the thing about Teresa is that, she was my best-friend, but at the same time she was the woman I love, this special kind of relationship helped us understand each other furthermore.

We have been dating for a couple of months now, it feels -for the first time in my life- the right thing to do, I have made many mistakes in the past, but I am sure she is not one of them, she is everything I ever wanted, I feel much better right now, my apartment is no longer a big mess because I do not know when she might come by, my mind is much more relieved, I am cutting down my consumption of cigarettes and I no longer drink that often, it feels like everything wrong I used to do, it was because I was lonely, I had nobody by my side, I was not aware of how much I needed someone to be around me, those past 2 years were terrible for me, but those past few months me and Teresa dated in were magical, out of this world and simply perfect.

I am not planning to lose her, I do not even want to think about it, I know my past defines me sometimes, and I know that flashes of my past will always be here, torturing me, reminding me of a lost love a couple of years ago, but I am not cheating, am I?, I am overthinking once again, I had to let go of Emily, past is past, and no matter how much I loved her, she is gone, I cannot put Teresa into all of this but in the end I fail to deliver her my complete love because of a tragic loss. I am sorry Em, I just cannot be alone all by myself, you left me with so much to deal with, and I have to admit, I just cannot do it all on my own, and I am pretty sure that you have always wanted me to be happy, and.. this woman, she makes me happy, and I am not planning to compare between you two, but honey, we had our time together, it was delightful while it lasted, now it is time for me to move on, it is time we begin writing a new chapter in this story, no one can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

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Chapter V: Daydreaming:

Time flies, and it is Summer already, we have been talking so much lately about our future together, when are we going to get married, where are we going to spend our honeymoon, we figured everything out, we were on the journey of infinite happiness, a paradise as we used to call it, we decided that we both sell our lousy apartments and move out to a better place, I have saved a decent amount of money over the years, and so did she, so we sort of added my savings to hers and step by step we started to draw our future, they say you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time, and I think that I have lived that phrase literally, I cannot believe that I am getting married again, I have not been this happy in years, I did not plan to fall in love with her, but I know she is more than just the person that I fell in love with, she is the right one, because if I had to choose to pick anyone in the world to fall in love with, I would always choose her.

We decided to get engaged this weekend, it is a mess, we are both worried that we forget someone between all those people we want to invite, we rented a nice cozy ballroom in a nearby hotel, it was not easy picking the colors of the tables sheets, the color of the candles or figuring out the orientation of the tables, she decided that we use white tulips, red roses and yellow dandelions - the same combination of the first bouquet I gave her a couple of months ago, I was so happy that she remembered, we made a long list of people we should call on the phone to invite them properly, and each one of us grabbed their phone and we started calling people, it was a total chaos, but we enjoyed it, we loved how much effort we were putting into this to make it perfect.

The big day is here, and we are finally getting engaged, I am really glad a lot of people made it today, it is amazing, how life can turn around 180 degrees in a matter of months, pretty scary, but beautiful at the same time, I am really happy I made this move, that I am getting married again, that I am no longer lonely, but now I am accompanied by the sweetest woman of them all, remember Tom from that promotion party where me and Teresa met?, he was absolutely shocked when he knew that we are getting together, I knew he had no idea that we left early in that party, none of this matters now, all that is on my mind right now is how thrilled I am to live this experience, and how lucky I am that I have met Teresa, I would like to thank Tom for his lousy party, I think I have already did, I cannot believe how things just changed dramatically for me, one moment I was starving myself, the other moment, I am here standing in a black tuxedo getting ready to get engaged to a woman that I am truly in love with, I have been blessed, after two sore years, I have been finally blessed with the best blessing I could imagine, good things come to those who wait right?, I have waited, I have done my time, and now it is time for me to re-write my story, but this time, there will not be anyone who is hurt, this time it is different, this time there's a twist in the tale, what once was a miserable story turns into one of the sweetest and happiest, I think the most important part of me finding Teresa, is that I have found myself too, I am all hers now and she is all mine, I promise to protect you, love you, cherish you and do whatever I can to see that cute smile of yours, I promise to be there for you when you need me, I promise to be your best-friend, your partner and your beloved husband, I promise you I will always try my best to see you happy, I promise you I will never give up on you, I believe in you, because when the whole world did not believe in me, you did, you took me in, held me tight between your arms and took care of me, you loved me, trusted me and guided me to what was the best for me.

I have always wondered what does it look like when someone falls in love, so many things, it feels like after all this time I have finally understood love; Love is that powerful emotion based on fear and hope; fear that the person you love may just leave or no longer be interested, and hope; that the person you love stays, it is quite a conflict, it does not make sense, just like love, you cannot describe love, it just happens, and the moment you feel it, you know it is love, but for us, It was not just how we created a perfect harmony together, it is also that when she came to my life, I became no longer empty bottles and full ashtrays, I became a river of emotions, a mountain of hope and a sea of confidence, she did not just love me, she made me love who I was, it is like the whole world has conspired at me to find her, she rescued me, saved me from my bitter-tasting life, she made everything more beautiful just by being in it, she opened the door when the whole world closed it in front of me, she was special, unique, a mystery of her own, a princess, "Teresa, in a world full of choices, I shall call this world yours, would you share it with me because you are now mine?"

THE END