Fall

She was a hard book to read,
But perhaps I should have read all the pages before I toss it in the fireplace,
I forgot what intimacy feels like,
I have given up on love,
Because your love was everything I wanted yet could never have,
And then,
Are the songs that I cannot listen to without hearing you,
She wrote love on the canvas of my heart,
Her pen was the needle and her words were the thread that stitched my heart back into one piece,
Forgive me I was so lonely so I chose you,
She did not like that I wrote her poetry,
She thought I was not meant for loving,
And she used to brighten my day with her perfectly woven words that she fits perfectly in a page of her book to later become a part of her,
She said heaven only lets a few in,
And I think I missed out this time,
I have never been a romantic person,
But she was afraid to be happy,
I moved on,
I had to bury all my love for you,
So, you can be loved by someone else.

3:16 AM

I opened the window of my room last night to find cold air in my mind, I felt a sense of peace as the cool breeze moves across my body as I shiver, I felt a sense of ease, I felt -for that moment free of my troubles and concerns that kept me insomniac for a while, I felt like a new person, I close my eyes to cherish this moment as I fall asleep with happy thoughts for the first time in a while.
The night falls as the sun comes up, My alarm rings to wake me up to live another day of this dull routine I call life, no matter how happy I seem to be, I was dead inside, I reached a state of this complex perception that this self-loathing of mine is something I can never unsee, something I would always feel no matter where I am; I pick at my flaws until they are the only thing that I can see and believe, it's the way I have always been, and I am afraid it will always be this way.
I am enslaved to my writing to try to feel something more, I wanted people to see the things that were so far in my head, the things left unposted are where the magic is, they are probably where the solution to my misery lies.
I light another cigarette as I inhale the toxins diffusing across my lungs, I love how it feels when you destroy yourself by your own self when self-destruction seems the only way to have some peace, I have been through the worst that whatever hits me from now on will be neglected. I think I will have another cup of coffee, I do not want to sleep, I do not want to dream anymore, I would rather stay up all night alone in misery than to be comforted by strangers in dreams.
And I wonder what does it feel like to be loved, to be appreciated and cherished by someone, to be someone's special person, to be yours.
I wonder if I am ever missed or needed, I wonder if I will ever find myself among those sleepless nights and endless car drives, I still remember the words of her favorite song, her favorite movie lines and her favorite places that we went to together, I do not think I will ever see her again, I seriously think that I should no longer confine myself to thinking of her, she should not have loved me.
I think I had too much to drink and I am no longer thinking straight, I do not know if I ever did, I should probably get some sleep, the sun is almost up, I hope today is better than yesterday is what I tell myself every day, I hope today is better than yesterday.

Rolling Stone

She weaved beautiful images out of corrupted delusions yet could never create the perfect image of him, and all the corridors she walks through are dark mysterious lands made of fear and ghosts from the wild past she has been through, she was never broken or hurt before but she has always been afraid.
She feels that she was made to understand, not to be understood; Most of the time she did not know how to feel, she does not know if she is happy or sad, all she knows is that she wants to feel love, she had to unravel all the images she created over and over in an attempt to find a solution that takes her out of her misery.
She was a mystery of her own, a girl who broke her own heart so no one else could, a mixture of sadness, feelings and a glimpse of hope in perfect harmony. And all the books she read, all the knowledge she tried to put to heart meant nothing when he left. She wondered of all her broken pieces will ever create something beautiful for him, she wondered if she would ever be good enough for him, she wondered if her life would be anything more than good days and bad nights.. She wonders.
She lived as an outcast in her own body, her hopes were always higher than the roof everyone sat for her, she carried her mother's dreams on her shoulders, a heart so heavy, yet she could walk so lightly.
Her life was a constant switch from a book to another, from a poem to a poet, she could never feel complete despite all the things she does, she did not want to let go of her dreams no matter how difficult they were to achieve, she believed her current life was a shallow projection of what she truly deserves, she felt alone, her heart hurt, she wrote it down and others felt it.
She thought no one can actually see through the boundaries she created, she thought she hid her feelings in a place no one knows about, she thought that those feelings were invisible to everyone else, but everybody can see through her eyes what she hid all the time, it was obvious, and she would be the one to blame for all the trouble she is going through.
There are no words left to describe her instable state of mind, her unsteady feelings or her unexplainable misery; She loved the wrong person, she fought so long for the wrong people, and now she shall wait until someone else unfolds her mystery, maybe this time she can make him stay.