Passenger

My imagination gave me a dual life; 
I lived in my body, and at the same time lived a life no one could see.
Isn't it ironic? How we tell others to stay strong yet we can not do it ourselves?
The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something I may never get.
Having a low opinion of yourself is not modesty,
It is self-destruction.
They say do not look back,
But sometimes it is vital to see how far you have come.
I feel, for some reason, that this is a good time of a year for looking backward.
It does not matter where I go
If I am by myself,
staring out the bus window,
walking down the street,
laying my head on the pillow,
my mind always replays,
the sweetest memories
and the most bitter ones.
And it feels like time made me appreciate what I had and what I did not.
I noticed everything,
I just acted that I did not,
and purposely missed it.
Sometimes I feel that I want to pack my things and leave without telling anyone,
to start a new life elsewhere.
We travel because we need to,
because distance and difference are the secret tonics to creativity.
When we get home,
home is still the same.
But something in our minds has changed,
and that changes everything.
It happens to everyone as they grow up,
You find out who you are and what you truly want,
and then realize that people you have known forever do not see things the way you do,
So you find yourself moving,
but keeping the wonderful memories.
I have learned in this life that what you allow will continue,
and you have a say in what happens in your life,
the people you are friends with,
how your career goes,
It is all you.
Even if you were on the right track,
you will get run over if you just sit there.
You are not stuck where you are,
unless you decide to be.
You ask everyone you know: How is life going with you?
There are different answers,
but has it ever occurred to you to ask yourself how am I doing,
Am I accomplishing what I want,
or am I born to be an underachiever?
The thing I am most afraid of is myself,
of not knowing what I am going to do,
of not knowing what I am doing right now.
Maybe my passion for life is close to nothing,
but at least it is mine,
and I exist as I am,
that is enough.
We are all ordinary,
We are not special,
We are all boring,
We are all hopeless,
We are all heroes,
We are all spectacular,
It just depends on the day.
We exist in moments,
nothing more.
In the right light,
at the right time,
everything is extraordinary.
People think that they know you,
they think they know how you are handling a situation,
But the truth is no one knows,
no one knows what happens after they leave,
when they leave,
their part of the story is over not yours.
They do not know what is going on inside your head,
the mind-numbing cocktail of anger, sadness, and guilt.
This is not their fault,
they just do not know,
and so they pretend and say you are doing alright,
when you are not,
and this makes everyone feel better,
but yourself.
And that leaves you at one point standing alone dealing with your unfinished business,
your incomplete goals,
and your failures,
But for some reason, you decide to keep everything to yourself,
hoping the black cloud will eventually pass,
But I realized that worry is a down payment on a problem you may never have.

I mean, all my life I had been worrying about other people, 

worrying about their well-being,
but while I was out there saving the world, 
who was out for me?
No one.
No one could save me but myself,
I knew I had enough in me to save the whole damn world,
but still, I had to fix myself before saving anyone else.

I prefer to distance myself whenever I am in a bad mood,

I tend to become the most heartless person you will ever meet,

I hate solitude,

but I am afraid of intimacy,
The substance of my life is a private conversation with myself,
which to turn into dialogue would be equivalent to self-destruction.
I do not think there is any truth,
only points of view,
and perspectives.
I do not understand why we must do things in this world,
why we must have friends and aspirations, 
hopes and dreams.
Would not it be better to retreat to a faraway corner of the world,
where all its noise and complications would be heard no more?
We could renounce culture and ambitions;
We would lose everything and gain nothing;
for what is there to be gained from this world?
It is nights like these,
when I sit and stare,
at an empty wall,
as empty as I feel.
Maybe it is the color and dust,
add up and is more alive,
than me right now.
In my head, I know things are getting a little better,
slowly but possibly eventually,
and as I embark on new chapters in life,
I am choosing a different one this time.
And I will not apologize for choosing myself this time,
Self-love is the chapter I have always wanted to write,
But never had the chance to.
Wish me luck,
I am not entirely sure what for,
But I need it.

Hue

I wandered around today,
sat in a coffee place,
crossed my legs,
and looked through the window.
The sight of the blue clouds caught my attention,
and how they form into different shapes in a second or two,
then slowly change into another.
I have always been passionate about the vibrant breath-taking colors of the sky,
whether it was oddly burnt orange,
or crystal blue,
The sun sets and rises,
and it does not care if we watch it or not,
It will keep on being beautiful,
even if no one bothers to look at it.
I have always been inspired by this inevitable change.
I believe that if one always looked at the skies,
one would end with wings.
and just like the sky,
I have lived in different shades throughout my life.

Oh how I wait for the fall each year,

just to be reminded of you.

You did not need much,
wanted very little;
to love and be loved in return.
You are just searching for what you give,
and that is the hardest part,
finding a heart that matches your own.
Some things go too deep to be forgotten,
and I can not forget,
the way your eyes spark when you talk about something you love,
the way you carefully choose your words when you speak,
your shy but charming smile,
the way I held you in my arms knowing I held the whole world,
I can not forget you.

I used to believe that love is not something you have to deserve,

But maybe I am an exception,

or at least I think I am.

When I look in the mirror,

I know I am looking at someone who is not sure she deserves to be loved at all,

or loved by you.

Perhaps it is not sufficient to want,

Maybe I have got to ask myself what am I going to do to get the things I want.

I am seeking,

I am thriving,

I am in it with all my heart.

But if we hope for what we do not have yet,

we wait for it patiently.

I could not see you when you were here,

and now that you are gone,

I see you everywhere.

You were worth the risk,

and every crack on my heart,

I will break for you.

But then comes the night,

clear and beautifully serene,

but even the faintest star in the night sky is seen by someone.

I wanted to be seen.

I loved you like any broken hearted would,

endlessly,

tenderly,

and always on edge.

Two souls do not find each other by simple accident.

Do you think the universe fights for two people to be together?

Some things are too strong and strange,

to be coincidences.

Some people enter your life,

only to show you what happens when you settle for less than you deserve,

I want you to stay,

But If you want to stay, 

stay forever,

and if you want to go,

do it today.

Stay I whispered,

As you close the door behind you.

My heart is a child,

it does not understand endings.

The truth is that I am hopelessly in love with you,

but it does not matter,

because the day you feel the same will only exist in my dreams.

I have never understood,

how we fit so much love inside of such a short amount of time.

Perhaps you have got something they do not,

something I needed,

something special.

I do not pay attention to the world ending,

it has ended for me many times,

and began again in the morning.

If it does not burn a little,

then what is the point of playing with fire?

I fell in love

with love

it seems,

for what was real is not.

The lies you spun,

when we began,

you thought

would be forgot.

Time heals all wounds -

you said to me,

well, this

I say to you -

The scar I wear,

I cannot bear,

for it is my heart you broke in two.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you,

but trusting them not to.

I trusted you,

and you ruined me.

Loving me is not easy,

I have sharp edges,

I have missing parts.

And I thought in your arms I have found tranquility,

I thought that I belonged,

that you were my missing piece that I have been longing for.

You became the love I searched for;

Your fingers intertwined slowly in mine,

and suddenly,

life made sense.

I know what we are,

and what we are not.

How is it possible for the world to be so beautiful and so cruel at the same time?

The end tells all you did not say in the beginning

As much as I feel sad,

I think not knowing is what really bothers me the most.

I am all broken inside,

but no one will ever notice.

Caught between a strong mind,

and a fragile heart.

I think it is better to have nobody,

than someone who is half-there,

or that does not want to be there.

But the heart wants what it wants,

even if it is temporary.

I am in love with a moment,

we have never had.

I do not excuse myself with the usual escape of not trying,

I tried with all my heart.

You deserve a forever love,

from a heart as full as yours.

Doubt does not deserve you,

deep down you just want to be loved,

in a way that calms your soul.

Your eyes may not be the color of the ocean,

but I drown in them every time.

I have never met a strong person,

with an easy past.

What is behind you,

is behind you,

surrender,

to what is ahead.

All the love you have given to wrong people,

it will find its way back to you.

It will enlighten your unique dear heart,

bringing it back to life.

Cry my dear,

but do not bleed.

Because after the rain pours,

comes the rainbow.

And if you want the rainbow,

You got to put up with the rain.

I loved you at the wrong time,

a time I needed to love myself instead,

more than anyone else.

Honest feelings,

and bad timing,

make the most painful combination.

We will survive,

You and I.

All I have to offer you,

is everything in me.

And if you need to talk,

I am more than thrilled to listen.

But if you are too tired to speak,

sit next to me,

Because,

I, too,

am fluent in silence.

Fierce

It was a pleasure to burn.
There was a certain pleasure in seeing things slowly darken up and crumble. With darkness in my raw-boned body, blood gushing in my sternly stubborn head, and my hands vigorously adding ruins of history to the slow and smoky fire. My eyes spark as for the brief moment it felt that everything that ever hurt me is completely over and done with. 
"Even the moon goes through phases to return to full. Healing takes time".  Countless hours spent in libraries perusing motivational books and memoirs. Another book, another page torn and thrown into the relentless fire. The answers I was looking for were nowhere to be found within the lines of those pages, but something made me wonder and believe that eventually I was going to stumble upon something different. 

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom". I do not know what is worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to know exactly who you are, and feel alone. But why explore the universe when we do not know ourselves?

There is a certain beauty to the human mind; it had a vast space for memory storage, it made us curious and creative. Those were the characteristics that gave us advantage - curiosity, creativity and memory collaborated to invent an idea called 'the future'. And we do it effortlessly. We often find ourselves lost within the realm of the future and what it could possibly be hiding for us. It is not about looking forwards to the future as much as it is our continuous seeking to be better version of ourselves - to thrive, to grow and to be the persona we choose for ourselves. We are often too occupied with our intricate routines that we tend to overlook who we aspire to be, and this conflict between subconsciously thinking about the future and the overwhelming present drives us into a state of confusion, disinterest and sadness.

Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of creation. I was lonely, but that loneliness belonged to me. It is beautiful, it is endless, it is full and yet it seems empty. How the heart breaks up is overly talked about, but how the soul hangs speechless in the process is often missed. 

They say that time changes things, but they did not mention that you have to change them yourself. We often feel tired, not because we have done too much, but we have done too little of what sparks light in us. We know we deserve better than where we currently stand but we are not willing to fight. You do not drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there. It all begins and ends in your mind; What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.

I still have not completely adapted to this world. Maybe this world is another planet's hell and we are all ought to suffer. I came to realize that life goes on whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown or stay behind thinking of what could have been. All the things I never said out loud, they will remain inside of me wrapped around my soul holding me back.

I was constantly mistaken to be weak, but that us the irony; broken people are not fragile. It was not loneliness that I was concerned about, but rather feeling that I do not belong no matter what book I read or where I choose to live. With a heart pure as gold, my hands were black as coal from the ashes of all the bitter memories I desired to hold mightily.

I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. As a child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror and the ecstasy of life. Silly of me, to think that I could absorb this life in one single sentence. I started to believe that life is meaningless altogether. Life is just a mystery and ultimately meaningless. The meaning is in the creation, and the creation is a human construct, and people keep making stuff up in order to get through life.

I know nothing and my heart aches. I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things that are not meant for me. Learning to be different. I have spent my whole life terrified, scared of what could go wrong. Things that might happen, things that might not. I hope one day I have the courage to run away from everything that makes me miserable.

Hope has became my drug of choice, the most addicting one of all. I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be. I have learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. In fact, somewhere within the silence of solitude the soul springs to life. I had to decide what I was going to do, and who I was going to be. I was standing there waiting, until I realized the person I was waiting for was myself. I have became the underdog of my own story, sitting among the crowds watching my whole world fall apart and all I could do is stare blankly.

Truth is, I am still learning how to go back and re-read my own chapters without feeling like I want to set all of my pages on fire. One of the greatest curses ever inflicted on the human race; Memory. It is both a blessing and a curse to remember. It is like once you get hurt, you build these walls around you that you think will keep you from getting hurt again. You will not let anyone pass them. You pass up good people and good opportunities because you are reminded of what happened to you. But you are not the only one hurting. You are hurting others, because they do not understand why they cannot be a part of your life. One day you are going to have to get the strength to let these walls down if you ever want to be truly happy again. 
May you learn to forgive yourself for chasing after what could not be, for falling apart, for not being kinder to yourself. May you come to terms with yourself and embrace yourself entirely. May you find peace within yourself soon and light up a fire from within.

It is 7 minutes after midnight. I sign off the last entry in this journal and toss it into the eerily hot fire. Holding my head with my ash-dusted hands in pain firmly believing that tomorrow is a new day to write. A new page. A new journal. And a new fire.