Hue

I wandered around today,
sat in a coffee place,
crossed my legs,
and looked through the window.
The sight of the blue clouds caught my attention,
and how they form into different shapes in a second or two,
then slowly change into another.
I have always been passionate about the vibrant breath-taking colors of the sky,
whether it was oddly burnt orange,
or crystal blue,
The sun sets and rises,
and it does not care if we watch it or not,
It will keep on being beautiful,
even if no one bothers to look at it.
I have always been inspired by this inevitable change.
I believe that if one always looked at the skies,
one would end with wings.
and just like the sky,
I have lived in different shades throughout my life.

Oh how I wait for the fall each year,

just to be reminded of you.

You did not need much,
wanted very little;
to love and be loved in return.
You are just searching for what you give,
and that is the hardest part,
finding a heart that matches your own.
Some things go too deep to be forgotten,
and I can not forget,
the way your eyes spark when you talk about something you love,
the way you carefully choose your words when you speak,
your shy but charming smile,
the way I held you in my arms knowing I held the whole world,
I can not forget you.

I used to believe that love is not something you have to deserve,

But maybe I am an exception,

or at least I think I am.

When I look in the mirror,

I know I am looking at someone who is not sure she deserves to be loved at all,

or loved by you.

Perhaps it is not sufficient to want,

Maybe I have got to ask myself what am I going to do to get the things I want.

I am seeking,

I am thriving,

I am in it with all my heart.

But if we hope for what we do not have yet,

we wait for it patiently.

I could not see you when you were here,

and now that you are gone,

I see you everywhere.

You were worth the risk,

and every crack on my heart,

I will break for you.

But then comes the night,

clear and beautifully serene,

but even the faintest star in the night sky is seen by someone.

I wanted to be seen.

I loved you like any broken hearted would,

endlessly,

tenderly,

and always on edge.

Two souls do not find each other by simple accident.

Do you think the universe fights for two people to be together?

Some things are too strong and strange,

to be coincidences.

Some people enter your life,

only to show you what happens when you settle for less than you deserve,

I want you to stay,

But If you want to stay, 

stay forever,

and if you want to go,

do it today.

Stay I whispered,

As you close the door behind you.

My heart is a child,

it does not understand endings.

The truth is that I am hopelessly in love with you,

but it does not matter,

because the day you feel the same will only exist in my dreams.

I have never understood,

how we fit so much love inside of such a short amount of time.

Perhaps you have got something they do not,

something I needed,

something special.

I do not pay attention to the world ending,

it has ended for me many times,

and began again in the morning.

If it does not burn a little,

then what is the point of playing with fire?

I fell in love

with love

it seems,

for what was real is not.

The lies you spun,

when we began,

you thought

would be forgot.

Time heals all wounds -

you said to me,

well, this

I say to you -

The scar I wear,

I cannot bear,

for it is my heart you broke in two.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you,

but trusting them not to.

I trusted you,

and you ruined me.

Loving me is not easy,

I have sharp edges,

I have missing parts.

And I thought in your arms I have found tranquility,

I thought that I belonged,

that you were my missing piece that I have been longing for.

You became the love I searched for;

Your fingers intertwined slowly in mine,

and suddenly,

life made sense.

I know what we are,

and what we are not.

How is it possible for the world to be so beautiful and so cruel at the same time?

The end tells all you did not say in the beginning

As much as I feel sad,

I think not knowing is what really bothers me the most.

I am all broken inside,

but no one will ever notice.

Caught between a strong mind,

and a fragile heart.

I think it is better to have nobody,

than someone who is half-there,

or that does not want to be there.

But the heart wants what it wants,

even if it is temporary.

I am in love with a moment,

we have never had.

I do not excuse myself with the usual escape of not trying,

I tried with all my heart.

You deserve a forever love,

from a heart as full as yours.

Doubt does not deserve you,

deep down you just want to be loved,

in a way that calms your soul.

Your eyes may not be the color of the ocean,

but I drown in them every time.

I have never met a strong person,

with an easy past.

What is behind you,

is behind you,

surrender,

to what is ahead.

All the love you have given to wrong people,

it will find its way back to you.

It will enlighten your unique dear heart,

bringing it back to life.

Cry my dear,

but do not bleed.

Because after the rain pours,

comes the rainbow.

And if you want the rainbow,

You got to put up with the rain.

I loved you at the wrong time,

a time I needed to love myself instead,

more than anyone else.

Honest feelings,

and bad timing,

make the most painful combination.

We will survive,

You and I.

All I have to offer you,

is everything in me.

And if you need to talk,

I am more than thrilled to listen.

But if you are too tired to speak,

sit next to me,

Because,

I, too,

am fluent in silence.

Fierce

It was a pleasure to burn.
There was a certain pleasure in seeing things slowly darken up and crumble. With darkness in my raw-boned body, blood gushing in my sternly stubborn head, and my hands vigorously adding ruins of history to the slow and smoky fire. My eyes spark as for the brief moment it felt that everything that ever hurt me is completely over and done with. 
"Even the moon goes through phases to return to full. Healing takes time".  Countless hours spent in libraries perusing motivational books and memoirs. Another book, another page torn and thrown into the relentless fire. The answers I was looking for were nowhere to be found within the lines of those pages, but something made me wonder and believe that eventually I was going to stumble upon something different. 

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom". I do not know what is worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to know exactly who you are, and feel alone. But why explore the universe when we do not know ourselves?

There is a certain beauty to the human mind; it had a vast space for memory storage, it made us curious and creative. Those were the characteristics that gave us advantage - curiosity, creativity and memory collaborated to invent an idea called 'the future'. And we do it effortlessly. We often find ourselves lost within the realm of the future and what it could possibly be hiding for us. It is not about looking forwards to the future as much as it is our continuous seeking to be better version of ourselves - to thrive, to grow and to be the persona we choose for ourselves. We are often too occupied with our intricate routines that we tend to overlook who we aspire to be, and this conflict between subconsciously thinking about the future and the overwhelming present drives us into a state of confusion, disinterest and sadness.

Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of creation. I was lonely, but that loneliness belonged to me. It is beautiful, it is endless, it is full and yet it seems empty. How the heart breaks up is overly talked about, but how the soul hangs speechless in the process is often missed. 

They say that time changes things, but they did not mention that you have to change them yourself. We often feel tired, not because we have done too much, but we have done too little of what sparks light in us. We know we deserve better than where we currently stand but we are not willing to fight. You do not drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there. It all begins and ends in your mind; What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.

I still have not completely adapted to this world. Maybe this world is another planet's hell and we are all ought to suffer. I came to realize that life goes on whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown or stay behind thinking of what could have been. All the things I never said out loud, they will remain inside of me wrapped around my soul holding me back.

I was constantly mistaken to be weak, but that us the irony; broken people are not fragile. It was not loneliness that I was concerned about, but rather feeling that I do not belong no matter what book I read or where I choose to live. With a heart pure as gold, my hands were black as coal from the ashes of all the bitter memories I desired to hold mightily.

I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. As a child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror and the ecstasy of life. Silly of me, to think that I could absorb this life in one single sentence. I started to believe that life is meaningless altogether. Life is just a mystery and ultimately meaningless. The meaning is in the creation, and the creation is a human construct, and people keep making stuff up in order to get through life.

I know nothing and my heart aches. I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things that are not meant for me. Learning to be different. I have spent my whole life terrified, scared of what could go wrong. Things that might happen, things that might not. I hope one day I have the courage to run away from everything that makes me miserable.

Hope has became my drug of choice, the most addicting one of all. I kind of miss myself, the way I used to be. I have learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. In fact, somewhere within the silence of solitude the soul springs to life. I had to decide what I was going to do, and who I was going to be. I was standing there waiting, until I realized the person I was waiting for was myself. I have became the underdog of my own story, sitting among the crowds watching my whole world fall apart and all I could do is stare blankly.

Truth is, I am still learning how to go back and re-read my own chapters without feeling like I want to set all of my pages on fire. One of the greatest curses ever inflicted on the human race; Memory. It is both a blessing and a curse to remember. It is like once you get hurt, you build these walls around you that you think will keep you from getting hurt again. You will not let anyone pass them. You pass up good people and good opportunities because you are reminded of what happened to you. But you are not the only one hurting. You are hurting others, because they do not understand why they cannot be a part of your life. One day you are going to have to get the strength to let these walls down if you ever want to be truly happy again. 
May you learn to forgive yourself for chasing after what could not be, for falling apart, for not being kinder to yourself. May you come to terms with yourself and embrace yourself entirely. May you find peace within yourself soon and light up a fire from within.

It is 7 minutes after midnight. I sign off the last entry in this journal and toss it into the eerily hot fire. Holding my head with my ash-dusted hands in pain firmly believing that tomorrow is a new day to write. A new page. A new journal. And a new fire.

Dawn

I bottle everything up, I keep my emotions hidden under layers of insecurities that I have carefully aligned, I pretend I am okay, that those feelings will never have the power to affect me, It is not healthy I know but I do not want to be a burden, I do not want to have people worried about me. It is a way of life that I have constantly chosen; I took my time to learn how to pretend to be strong, I became good at pretending. I became so good that after a while the lines blurred between my truth and fiction. And sometimes, when I did a really good job of pretending, I even fooled myself.

I spin the bottle in my brain trying to match the weakness with a name, but one side of the bottle is always facing towards my name, "Do not worry, there must have been a mistake" I tell myself as I anxiously spin the bottle again, as I do over and over again, it will always choose to land on my name. But I keep going through this battle in my head, hoping somehow things will change and point at someone else, hoping I can find a way through this bottleneck.

I fill my glass with whiskey which has been a good friend of mine recently, I drink until I am seeing double, but it only shows me how lonely I am, twice. The deepest feelings always come after the things you do to make yourself feel numb. I never asked to be the hero of my story, and I never wanted to be the villain. My brain made me both and neither at the same time.

I stay home all the time; I tell my friends that I am busy when in reality I cannot handle the truth of leaving the bed. Trapped in my own mind; slow-moving traffic in my brain I want so desperately to get out of but I cannot find the nearest exit. I am stuck. I lay my head on my tear-stained pillows as I tremble with fear. Fear that I will never make my way out of this, that if I find the next exit I will end up in the same place, that there is no right exit, it does not exist. My desire for knowledge is intermittent, but my desire to bathe my head in atmospheres unknown to my feet is perennial and constant.

I am way past keeping track of who hurt me last, it does not burn anymore. My heart can no longer shatter when it has not been pieced together in a long time. I guess you do not realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light. Perhaps, one should understand that the mind is its own place, and itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

I have locked rooms in my head that I would not look into. I do not remember what lies behind those doors anymore, I have a faint memory of what I subconsciously did to protect myself. I wonder if there is anything in those rooms or are they unoccupied?. Maybe I will never know, maybe I will never find enough words to fill all those empty spaces in my sentences, maybe a part of me will always be hollow, an empty room.

I am sad and have a passion for unknown, distant places. I want to see the world. And I would love it if I just had the chance to get away for a little while. But sadly, things are not that easy; desire will not change a thing. The world goes on spinning around whether I like it or not. How do I feel? I feel alone. I feel guilty. I feel hurt. But how is it that I feel all of those feelings, and still feel nothing?. I think I am afraid to be happy because whenever I feel happy, something bad always happens.

Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt. I am guilty, it is not my sins that I hate but myself. Guilt is not always a rational thing; It is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not. It may not have been entirely my fault, but I could not feel innocent of it. And I wonder, would not we all be guilty if someone searched hard enough?. We might be, but the answer to that question will never seem to alter the way I identify with guilt.

The more people I meet the lonelier I become. No one gets me. They cannot relate, and I do not understand them. I speak and they look at me with blank stares. I try to put my hearts' feelings and my thoughts into words and they perceive completely alien views. They are lost, they do not get it. I do not get them and I feel even more alone. So I decided to be alone. I thought that maybe some voids were not meant to be filled. It hurts less not to try. I am learning how to be alone without being lonely. Learning how to be lonely without losing my mind.

I do not know who I am anymore, I am lost. I have started again and again, but I feel like running against the same walls in my head. Pain is what inks my pen, writing stories of what remains, of the happiness turned to pain. This pain is how I know I am awake. I wish I could write, I get these emotions but I never seem to be able to put them into words. I need my soul to distend from my body and float away and be free, to fly and drown and burn and feel everything and nothing at the same time.

There is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are comparable; I simply am not there. I am my own ghost haunting the memories I cherish the most. I see nothing but walls standing in my way. And now I am told that this is life, that pain is a simple compromise.

I probably still have not completely adapted to this world. I do not know, I feel like this is not the real world. The people, the conversations, the places; they just do not seem real to me. I can see myself falling out of my skin over and over again. It was never about me versus the world. It was about me versus myself.

I am starting to believe that life is meaningless altogether, most of the time. Life is just life; a mystery I will always try to figure out and eventually I never do. I would never feel complete, but It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty. We are each alone inside our heads, some more than others. I feel worthless; I wonder why someone like me was born into this world.

I know nothing and my heart aches. I over-analyze things because I am scared of what will happen if I am not prepared for it. I have spent my whole life terrified, scared of things that could go wrong, things that might happen, things that might not. Running in circles; I could not be with people and I did not want to be alone, I could not be genuinely happy and I did not want to feel down, I wanted to change who I became and I could not let go of the new person I became. I was imprisoned for my thoughts. And albeit I had the keys, I was not sure if I desired to leave.

I have embraced the dawn of summer. Dawn walked in blue and diamonds. Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. It is a fitting punishment for a monster. To want something so much - to hold it in your arms, and know beyond a doubt you will never deserve it. And as the sun starts to break through the darkness comes a sunrise with a bright glimpse of hope. Hope is a very dangerous thing, it can drive a man insane. But the sun will rise and we will try again.

Attrapeur de rêves

I have always been good at waiting,
for something that was not going to happen.
It seemed like a sad and awful thing to be good at.
I was waiting for you,
without knowing it.
I would wait for you,
because it will always be you.
I missed you,
and at the same time I was happy, isn't that strange?
Part of me is mad I write you into my stories,
because I can no longer read them without falling in love,
and breaking my heart at the same time.
But part of me is delighted that I do,
because it reminds me of how beautiful our love was,
even if it destroyed me.
I feel like wherever I go,
I will always have a strange sense of sadness in me.
Hiding in every smile,
stopping me from laughing as truly and as fully as I could.
There's so much stubborn hope in my heart,
it often disobeys common sense,
throwing tantrums at my brain.
I guess that's how it feels when you have a rebellious heart,
you often feel like you're holding your heart back,
hiding it away.
And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour your heart into,
you give your heart away.
And when you do,
you usually get it back in pieces and fragments,
And often, a great deal of time passes before you realize that every piece was not returned to you -and probably will never be.
You crave nothing but to get those missing vital fragments back,
to return to the unbroken, undamaged version of yourself.
But what has been broken cannot be unbroken,
and so all you can do is learn to live with the void of the missing pieces,
to somehow find beauty in the wreckage.
You don't get explanations in life,
you just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.
I promised myself not to fall in love,
but you set a light in my heart and mind,
the most beautiful chaos.
I am trying to remember you,
and let you go,
at the same time.
I do not know what I am more afraid of:
to see you again,
or to never see you again.
Maybe I was not good enough,
or so I think so it does not hurt your fairly fragile ego.
I know I am not easy to be loved,
but I tried to be different,
I tried so hard,
for you.
It breaks my heart that I can't stop loving and even though all you do is hurt me,
it's not always just the heart,
sometimes your mind breaks as well,
and I have lost my mind,
trying to understand yours.
There's nothing I can do and it is a never-ending agony,
I sit here and tell myself that I have got to move on,
that I need to start making myself happy,
that you truly do not matter and that I can be without you.
Then I fall asleep and dream of you,
wake up in tears and it's like everything I have been telling myself is completely forgotten.

I miss you in ways I didn't know existed,

being alone was never hard before I met you.
And now, the world is too quiet without you nearby,
My heart is bleeding so badly that it feels my body is slowly shutting down,
I feel empty,
not sad, not angry, just empty.
And this feeling is so overwhelming,
it takes over every single nerve of my body,

until I feel it every fucking where.
Maybe that's it,
we eventually go numb.
And after all what we have been through,
when I think of falling in love you're still the first name that comes to my mind.
We were never meant for each other,
but I am glad that even for a sheer moment it felt like we were.
In another universe,
destiny did not separate us,
where I belonged to you and you belonged to me.
Right now,
my heart is there with you.
He had flaws,
but what does it matter when it comes to the heart?
The heart wants what it wants,
reason does not enter into it.
We fall in love with personality,
the words they say,
and their behavior,
the thoughts and opinions,
the moments you make and remember.
We lust with our eyes and love with our hearts.
We fall in love with the sight of their souls.
And I loved you,
I got lost in you,
and it was the kind of lost that is exactly like being found.
I hope someday you will find all my letters,
all my quotes,
all my words,
and read them all.
I hope you will know that they are all about you.
And so it means I must always write you these letters that I can never send,
And I wonder,
If the world could give us an opportunity to take all the chances we missed,
to relive the moments we loved so much.
Would you take my hand and try again?
Would you want to try again?

Blue

All good things come to an end,
I prefer beginnings,
endings are often sad.
Life isn't that simple,
and somehow I always mess things up.
I found myself in late night drives,
often without a destination.
Along the tangled roads of an eerie city,
I found tranquility.
We all have our reasons,
to justify our loneliness.
And sometimes all you want is to forget,
when forgetting is no longer an option,
it becomes a method of survival.
There's really no shortcut to forgetting someone,
you just have to endure missing them everyday,
until you don't anymore.
We were lovers,
but now we cannot be friends.
We loved with a love that was more than love,
it outgrown us,
eventually destroying everything we could ever have.
I miss the way it used to be,
there were things I wanted to tell you,
but I knew they would hurt you,
so I buried them,
and let them hurt me instead.
And now I am running out of ways to numb the pain,
Because I held on for too long,
hoping we'll be alright.
Is there no way out of the mind?
I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.
Sometimes I think we were just stupid lovers,
loving each other til we lose our minds.
I wanted it so much,
but apparently the world isn't a wish-granting factory.
They told me to stay away from the ones I love too much,
those are the ones who will destroy me.
You always said that I am the one who knocked down people around me,
but it has always been you,
you ruin anyone who would come close to you.
And maybe we are just like the sun and the moon,
deeply in love with each other,
but too different to exist side by side.
But what hurts is that we never really said goodbye,
we just kind of ended.
And now I am trying to forget you as I wait for you to come back.
Sometimes the pain of love is more fulling than the ache of loneliness;
if you want the rainbow,
you have to deal with the rain.
I still notice you, I want to say.
Even when no one else does,
I will.
There's something godly yet sinful about loving you,
I lost myself so many times that I don't know who I am anymore,
like a shadow,
I am and I am not.
There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt:
swimming in the ocean while it rains,
reading alone in empty libraries,
the sea of stars that appear when you are miles away from the neon lights of the city,
streets after 2 am,
walking in the wilderness,
all the phases of the moon,
the things we do not know about the universe,
and you.
You had a soft spot for me,
like a bruise,
so sensitive,
it beckons me to touch.
You were a hopeless romantic,
searching for peace,
in a world full of insanity.
If what we had was love,
why does it hurt so much?
All I can think about is you;
the way you sat in the passenger seat,
you would adjust the seat,
change the radio station,
and sing along to songs I don't know.
I fell in love with you on one of those drives,
while the sunset is lighting up your eyes,
and all I could think about was you.
Sometimes we want what we want,
even if we know it's going to kill us.
All suffering originates from craving,
from attachment,
from desire.
And we were the dreamers of dreams,
we dreamed of a different kind of life,
of a new fresh start for both of us.
But all endings are also beginnings,
we just don't know it at the time.
Maybe you do not want to be alone but you are tired of being lied to,
used,
and thrown aside when you are no longer convenient.
Maybe you have suffered one too many heartbreaks from boyfriends or best friends or parents,
maybe you want to depend on someone but there's no one left,
no one,
except yourself.
And maybe you will call one day to tell me to stop writing about you,
and I will tell you I will,
when you stop inspiring me.

Reverie

I wish we knew back then that being scared wasn't a bad thing. That change and growth and something greater all begin at the tiptoes of what we know for sure, at the very fine edges of our comfort zone. Leaving home with shaky feet and hiding from people with mischievous smiles. Cities and straws and the raw gnaw of hunger in your gut. In your soul, even, screaming out for more than you can carry. It looks like this: you in the corner of a bright yellow room with a shelf full of dreams collecting dust in each pocket. Me at the crack of the window, chipping paint from the walls of a place we've outgrown. Too big for our shoes. Too ambitious for our peers. Hot blood in our veins on a race to our brains and our legs and our arms and the pits of our stomachs. I wish someone had sat us down and held our hands to our hearts, wild and young enough to crash without breaking, and I wish they had said, "Feel that, kiddo? The chaos? That's how you know you are headed somewhere good".

I wish we knew how to deal with this strong, innate desire we held deep in our souls to learn things on our own. An everlasting fire that we could not put out. Propelling our curious and doubtful souls into seas of unfamiliarity. Our only fear was not being strong enough to go through our long, unconstructed voyages. But we never looked back. We have learned early on in life to never surrender. It was the only thing we knew. We learned to build our strength through every sleepless night. Everything that we went through only made us grow bigger. All the bits and pieces are adding up to make us the people who we are destined to be. Maybe perfection is in trying. Maybe we are not meant to be perfect. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be okay, but the truth is I am not sure. I never will be. But along the tangled paths of life, I have learned that the only way to survive is to let go of doubts and keep moving forward. Survival is a talent we strongly embrace.

The bravest people I know are the ones who are totally shattered inside. But they will smile at you and at everyone else, as they walk alone past you and everyone else. At some point, all we need is courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there's always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires you to be fearless. To reach a state of peace and tranquility one's frontline soldier should be no one but themselves. As we grow as unique persons, we learn to be more independent and self-reliant. The journey is never-ending. There's always going to be growth, improvement, and adversity. You just have to take it all in and do what's right, continue to grow.

Life is all about evolution. What looks like a mistake to others has been a milestone in my life. We are human and we make mistakes, but learning from these mistakes is what makes the difference. My journey in life and yours have led us to both dark and light places, and it's because of those experiences we have learned how to work through the defects of our characters and how to grow bigger and wiser. I believe that we have been lucky to go through everything how we did. The way we grasped onto life with our nervous, moist hands ever since we were little. The way we used the word 'impossible' with great caution. The way we held our head up despite all the people around us trying to bring us down. Our hearts are too big to be broken. Our souls are too bold to be torn. Champions are made, not born. And we choose to be heroes of ourselves. Heroes of our own life story.