Afterlife

Some steps you have to take alone,
It is the only way you can figure out where you need to go and who you want to be.
One day,
I decided to take a step on this steep and rather rickety ladder of life,
Maybe it hurt less than standing still.
My hideous incarnate demons often manage to get the best of me,
halting any minor progress I make.
It seems that, for some reason, they always had an overwhelming advantage.
Perhaps I have been avoiding fighting for too long that they became too powerful and immortal.
Monsters can be created but they can never be tamed.
I look down at the steps of the ladder that I have hardly passed,
And then I look up for the bright skinny light shining from above,
Maybe there is a distal end to this,
One way or another.
I do not think I still have any more energy left in me to continue,
And I have made so much progress to let go.
Stuck on the same step for quite some time now.
Maybe, sometimes, it is easier to accept the mundane reality than to push for unachievable limits.

There is something horrifyingly beautiful about darkness.
Something about not knowing your surroundings or not seeing the colors of things as they appear.
There is something about the unknown,
Being in this temporary secluded place,
There are unspoken words about darkness and its unmatched beauty.
I have found comfort where I am,
Surrounded by blackness in every single direction I look.
I became so used to the darkness that it no longer scares me,
I am more surprised by the light when it breaks through these well's walls.
Exposing everything around me,
Reflecting across the stagnant water underneath my trembling feet,
And shining on those moldy brick walls around me.
The time when the sun breaks through the distant sky ironically became my least favorite time of the day,
Maybe, sometimes, it is better not to know where you are in your mental interplanetary journey.
Perhaps, not knowing is a greater blessing.
I do not want to know how many rusty steps I have left to the top,
I do not care about the disappointingly slow progress I have made so far,
I have accepted the shadows,
And they have accepted me,
Perhaps I have become a malevolent demon myself,
Maybe we are not all ought to grow up as radiant and mighty angels,
We do not get to choose sides,
There is probably an underlying sinister wisdom in keeping it unevenly balanced.

My clumsy hands are getting tired of holding in to this cold metal,
My brain is too fogged up with intrusive thoughts to let go,
I do not know if there is actually an end to this cruel well,
I do not remember how I got here in the first place,
What am I doing here, and how did I get here?
Is this supposed to be one of those tests from the mighty god?
Or am I trapped in someone else's universe?
It is pitiful.
This intensely unorganized life has lost its' value a long time ago,
There is no point in holding on anymore,
Nothing worth fighting for,
No one is waiting on the other side.
I am alone in this dreadful battle,
Surrounded by mold, rust and rancid smell occupying the space I settled in.
I feel so small.
I think hope is a desperate attempt to falsify the truth,
And I ran out of things to wish for.
I no longer have enough belief in anything.
''Almosts'' will always haunt me,
I almost made it out of this bizarre place.
''I almost''.
I have said that over a million times.
I look down,
Maybe this cold sulfurous water is not that unpleasant.
I look up,
And on my restless face,
a weak and humorless smile appears.
I sometimes cannot comprehend the unpredictability of life.
A silent and unnoticed tear makes its' way down my smudged cheek.
I do not want to feel anything anymore.
I let go.
Freefalling into the uncertainty,
Unparalleled gravity pulls me through the countless brick walls.
The light at the top feels smaller and the circle closes.
My scarred body makes contact with the water causing a noisy splash,
I hit my head on the concrete floor of the well,
I have finally found numbing and false peace,
as I count my last seconds in this hideous place.
I have accepted my brutal faith,
There was nothing worth holding on to anymore.
I let go,
As I should have a long time ago.

Intrepid

Life happens to you quickly,
One day you're on the top of an inaccessible pyramid-shaped mountain,
Looking down on those who crossed paths with you.
The other day you are back to where you came from,
The lonesome and cold hell that you have created for yourself.
And between this and that are brief moments that we live for.
It all sounds like a dream that you can't wake up from,
A vicious cycle of emotions,
Changing worlds,
A sun with rays that no longer provide heat,
An upside-down tree with no leaves,
A vivid orange sky,
And ruthless thoughts that follow you wherever you go,
And then,
There's you,
Wandering around in the wilderness,
Going on another trip trying to figure out who you are,
And what led you to this alternate universe?

Nothing matters anymore.
Words lose their value after they have been tossed around repeatedly,
All doors close,
And you stand there alone,
Surrounded by darkness and emptiness,
Everything hits at once,
All your underachievements, your failures, the dreams you gave up on, the lies you told yourself so you can move on, 
Everything comes back to you to stab you in the back.
And you are left wondering,
If any of that was worth it at all,
Or why did I start doing this in the first place?
Living in an alternate reality,
Where everything and nothing makes sense at the same time,
and oftentimes you find yourself standing on the edge,
Waiting for something spectacular to happen,
Something to turn your life around,
Or someone?
But as I previously said,
Nothing matters anymore,
And we're all prisoners trying to understand the complexity of life,
Eagerly looking for a reason to continue,
A reason to hold on.

Life or death.
Do or die.
I don't want to feel like I did last night,
This constant feeling of unpredictability.
I have been running all my life I have no energy left in me.
I wonder how much of myself I can't translate into words,
How much of me I don't even know,
Lost in translation.
Words can't do these feelings any justice.
Life begins and ends in this infinite place called the present,
Whatever is left in the past is irrelevant,
And the future is an uncertainty of its' own that the mind can't try to comprehend.
Death lurks around the corner,
Waiting on you to make a mistake,
Looking at you from afar hoping for the perfect moment to make ends meet.
I think it's both a burden and a blessing to feel everything as deeply as I do,
I don't know what to feel or what I want to feel,
I don't know what to think,
Or what I am.