Attrapeur de rêves

I have always been good at waiting,
for something that was not going to happen.
It seemed like a sad and awful thing to be good at.
I was waiting for you,
without knowing it.
I would wait for you,
because it will always be you.
I missed you,
and at the same time I was happy, isn't that strange?
Part of me is mad I write you into my stories,
because I can no longer read them without falling in love,
and breaking my heart at the same time.
But part of me is delighted that I do,
because it reminds me of how beautiful our love was,
even if it destroyed me.
I feel like wherever I go,
I will always have a strange sense of sadness in me.
Hiding in every smile,
stopping me from laughing as truly and as fully as I could.
There's so much stubborn hope in my heart,
it often disobeys common sense,
throwing tantrums at my brain.
I guess that's how it feels when you have a rebellious heart,
you often feel like you're holding your heart back,
hiding it away.
And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour your heart into,
you give your heart away.
And when you do,
you usually get it back in pieces and fragments,
And often, a great deal of time passes before you realize that every piece was not returned to you -and probably will never be.
You crave nothing but to get those missing vital fragments back,
to return to the unbroken, undamaged version of yourself.
But what has been broken cannot be unbroken,
and so all you can do is learn to live with the void of the missing pieces,
to somehow find beauty in the wreckage.
You don't get explanations in life,
you just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.
I promised myself not to fall in love,
but you set a light in my heart and mind,
the most beautiful chaos.
I am trying to remember you,
and let you go,
at the same time.
I do not know what I am more afraid of:
to see you again,
or to never see you again.
Maybe I was not good enough,
or so I think so it does not hurt your fairly fragile ego.
I know I am not easy to be loved,
but I tried to be different,
I tried so hard,
for you.
It breaks my heart that I can't stop loving and even though all you do is hurt me,
it's not always just the heart,
sometimes your mind breaks as well,
and I have lost my mind,
trying to understand yours.
There's nothing I can do and it is a never-ending agony,
I sit here and tell myself that I have got to move on,
that I need to start making myself happy,
that you truly do not matter and that I can be without you.
Then I fall asleep and dream of you,
wake up in tears and it's like everything I have been telling myself is completely forgotten.

I miss you in ways I didn't know existed,

being alone was never hard before I met you.
And now, the world is too quiet without you nearby,
My heart is bleeding so badly that it feels my body is slowly shutting down,
I feel empty,
not sad, not angry, just empty.
And this feeling is so overwhelming,
it takes over every single nerve of my body,

until I feel it every fucking where.
Maybe that's it,
we eventually go numb.
And after all what we have been through,
when I think of falling in love you're still the first name that comes to my mind.
We were never meant for each other,
but I am glad that even for a sheer moment it felt like we were.
In another universe,
destiny did not separate us,
where I belonged to you and you belonged to me.
Right now,
my heart is there with you.
He had flaws,
but what does it matter when it comes to the heart?
The heart wants what it wants,
reason does not enter into it.
We fall in love with personality,
the words they say,
and their behavior,
the thoughts and opinions,
the moments you make and remember.
We lust with our eyes and love with our hearts.
We fall in love with the sight of their souls.
And I loved you,
I got lost in you,
and it was the kind of lost that is exactly like being found.
I hope someday you will find all my letters,
all my quotes,
all my words,
and read them all.
I hope you will know that they are all about you.
And so it means I must always write you these letters that I can never send,
And I wonder,
If the world could give us an opportunity to take all the chances we missed,
to relive the moments we loved so much.
Would you take my hand and try again?
Would you want to try again?