Blue

All good things come to an end,
I prefer beginnings,
endings are often sad.
Life isn't that simple,
and somehow I always mess things up.
I found myself in late night drives,
often without a destination.
Along the tangled roads of an eerie city,
I found tranquility.
We all have our reasons,
to justify our loneliness.
And sometimes all you want is to forget,
when forgetting is no longer an option,
it becomes a method of survival.
There's really no shortcut to forgetting someone,
you just have to endure missing them everyday,
until you don't anymore.
We were lovers,
but now we cannot be friends.
We loved with a love that was more than love,
it outgrown us,
eventually destroying everything we could ever have.
I miss the way it used to be,
there were things I wanted to tell you,
but I knew they would hurt you,
so I buried them,
and let them hurt me instead.
And now I am running out of ways to numb the pain,
Because I held on for too long,
hoping we'll be alright.
Is there no way out of the mind?
I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.
Sometimes I think we were just stupid lovers,
loving each other til we lose our minds.
I wanted it so much,
but apparently the world isn't a wish-granting factory.
They told me to stay away from the ones I love too much,
those are the ones who will destroy me.
You always said that I am the one who knocked down people around me,
but it has always been you,
you ruin anyone who would come close to you.
And maybe we are just like the sun and the moon,
deeply in love with each other,
but too different to exist side by side.
But what hurts is that we never really said goodbye,
we just kind of ended.
And now I am trying to forget you as I wait for you to come back.
Sometimes the pain of love is more fulling than the ache of loneliness;
if you want the rainbow,
you have to deal with the rain.
I still notice you, I want to say.
Even when no one else does,
I will.
There's something godly yet sinful about loving you,
I lost myself so many times that I don't know who I am anymore,
like a shadow,
I am and I am not.
There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt:
swimming in the ocean while it rains,
reading alone in empty libraries,
the sea of stars that appear when you are miles away from the neon lights of the city,
streets after 2 am,
walking in the wilderness,
all the phases of the moon,
the things we do not know about the universe,
and you.
You had a soft spot for me,
like a bruise,
so sensitive,
it beckons me to touch.
You were a hopeless romantic,
searching for peace,
in a world full of insanity.
If what we had was love,
why does it hurt so much?
All I can think about is you;
the way you sat in the passenger seat,
you would adjust the seat,
change the radio station,
and sing along to songs I don't know.
I fell in love with you on one of those drives,
while the sunset is lighting up your eyes,
and all I could think about was you.
Sometimes we want what we want,
even if we know it's going to kill us.
All suffering originates from craving,
from attachment,
from desire.
And we were the dreamers of dreams,
we dreamed of a different kind of life,
of a new fresh start for both of us.
But all endings are also beginnings,
we just don't know it at the time.
Maybe you do not want to be alone but you are tired of being lied to,
used,
and thrown aside when you are no longer convenient.
Maybe you have suffered one too many heartbreaks from boyfriends or best friends or parents,
maybe you want to depend on someone but there's no one left,
no one,
except yourself.
And maybe you will call one day to tell me to stop writing about you,
and I will tell you I will,
when you stop inspiring me.

Reverie

I wish we knew back then that being scared wasn't a bad thing. That change and growth and something greater all begin at the tiptoes of what we know for sure, at the very fine edges of our comfort zone. Leaving home with shaky feet and hiding from people with mischievous smiles. Cities and straws and the raw gnaw of hunger in your gut. In your soul, even, screaming out for more than you can carry. It looks like this: you in the corner of a bright yellow room with a shelf full of dreams collecting dust in each pocket. Me at the crack of the window, chipping paint from the walls of a place we've outgrown. Too big for our shoes. Too ambitious for our peers. Hot blood in our veins on a race to our brains and our legs and our arms and the pits of our stomachs. I wish someone had sat us down and held our hands to our hearts, wild and young enough to crash without breaking, and I wish they had said, "Feel that, kiddo? The chaos? That's how you know you are headed somewhere good".

I wish we knew how to deal with this strong, innate desire we held deep in our souls to learn things on our own. An everlasting fire that we could not put out. Propelling our curious and doubtful souls into seas of unfamiliarity. Our only fear was not being strong enough to go through our long, unconstructed voyages. But we never looked back. We have learned early on in life to never surrender. It was the only thing we knew. We learned to build our strength through every sleepless night. Everything that we went through only made us grow bigger. All the bits and pieces are adding up to make us the people who we are destined to be. Maybe perfection is in trying. Maybe we are not meant to be perfect. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be okay, but the truth is I am not sure. I never will be. But along the tangled paths of life, I have learned that the only way to survive is to let go of doubts and keep moving forward. Survival is a talent we strongly embrace.

The bravest people I know are the ones who are totally shattered inside. But they will smile at you and at everyone else, as they walk alone past you and everyone else. At some point, all we need is courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there's always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires you to be fearless. To reach a state of peace and tranquility one's frontline soldier should be no one but themselves. As we grow as unique persons, we learn to be more independent and self-reliant. The journey is never-ending. There's always going to be growth, improvement, and adversity. You just have to take it all in and do what's right, continue to grow.

Life is all about evolution. What looks like a mistake to others has been a milestone in my life. We are human and we make mistakes, but learning from these mistakes is what makes the difference. My journey in life and yours have led us to both dark and light places, and it's because of those experiences we have learned how to work through the defects of our characters and how to grow bigger and wiser. I believe that we have been lucky to go through everything how we did. The way we grasped onto life with our nervous, moist hands ever since we were little. The way we used the word 'impossible' with great caution. The way we held our head up despite all the people around us trying to bring us down. Our hearts are too big to be broken. Our souls are too bold to be torn. Champions are made, not born. And we choose to be heroes of ourselves. Heroes of our own life story.