V

You said you knew what is the best for me, you acted like you knew exactly the exact correct prescription to fix my absent ambition and my uncertain religion,
Because every time I hurt you, you said you are going for good now but you kept coming back to add more complexity to this constant state of perplexity that tore us both mentally,
I was the shoulder you cried on in your days of uncertainty, I was your guard technically, but you let everything I do incredibly because of your insane jealousy,
Yet you enjoyed my company, you always found an excuse for me and I enjoyed your sympathy because I never wanted to be left lonely,
I became someone I no longer know,
So, you tuned your heart to a different symphony,
I see that recently you tend to disagree with anything I say honey,
You said we wanted to have this start slow and steady,
But this so-called love lost the integrity when you started chasing me around unexpectedly complaining of loss of harmony,
I hated seeing you grumpy, you were always in my guardianship and custody, I did not like seeing you weak or fragile to this worlds' misery,
I loved the look on that charming face of yours when you called my name anxiously, I loved how you waited by the phone for my messages patiently,
I loved your presence unconditionally - I loved it all
Maybe I was too harsh in the first lines but truth is I am hiding my weakness behind this guard of mine,
I remember when we toured the country to find the best type of wine as if we had any experience in that matter yet we did until we no longer could read the street signs,
Remember when I carried you and walked around your parents' home with your hands wrapped around my neck then we fell and I almost broke my spine?
Truth is sometimes I do not know why we did what we did or how it possibly ended while all our expectations were the exact opposite,
And now all the memories I had with you are placed in a small wooden box in my closet,
And ever since you are gone, I am no longer fun, happy or confident,
Even after you left, I kept holding your photo in my wallet,
But then my friends mocked me for holding on to you in my pocket,
I love you and I hate you and I do not know why,
You were both my highs and lows,
My ups and my downs,
My coffee and my wine,
And no matter how hard I try to weave you a perfect picture of this current state of mine,
I can no longer get those days back,
We obviously lost track and now I can only sneak at you through a small crack of a door you left open,
We were unstoppable adorable mixture of my insanity and your clumsiness,
And now all I feel is guiltiness left by the ugliness of my ideas that I tried to convince you of,
My abruptness drove you to join my constant state of absent-mindedness,
You were my best-friend and your loss is something I cannot comprehend,
You were my favourite way to spend the weekend,
And you made me feel so powerful, confident and comfortable around you I did not have to pretend,
There was this thing about you,
You made everyone feel loved and relaxed around you,
You loved knowing new people but only let in a few,
And I was among the 'lucky ones' to enter your world of shades of blue,
Little I knew or had a clue,
That what I had in my hands was not another deja vu,
You were different in your own way,
You weren't black or white, you were grey,
You were my sweet escape and my favourite getaway,
I hated last September and I wish we could go back to May,
But now this is the price for me to pay,
You cannot know how much I wanted you to stay,
But it is already over,
And I would not find anyone close to you even if I crossed every single border,
No one else would be better,
And now I surrender,
And apologize for the venom I fed you over this period,
I guess it was true what they said,
One is not aware of what they have,
Until they lose it,
And I lost myself,
When I lost you.

Isolation

A sudden explosion of unexpected emotions covers my deluded eyes with fears and uncertainty,

What am I doing here, or how did I get here in the first place?

All the answers my perplexed mind comes up with ends with no response as I sit still in my bed that I despise from darkness to dawn,

They say knowing the truth is just a matter of asking the right questions,

But where are the answers that I have been looking for?

I can no longer tolerate all the lumps stuck in my throat of words that I should have said but did not,

That restless feeling,

When you are standing at the beginning of a dead-end that you know it leads you nowhere,

A moth may blame the candle's burning flame,

But it would still fly towards it all the same,

And I know that I was not born strong or weak,

Yet I know that I once had a ground to stand on which was demolished by the wild ghosts wandering in my head,

But I was infected with worries and guilt,

Those invisible insidious creatures are enough to chase away the sleep,

And leave me absent-minded again,
I never wanted you to see the darkest part of me,

Now I do not think I will ever step out of this,

I do not want to wake up any more to this illusion of a happy vivid life created by my deluded thoughts,

The rain fell softly on my skin but I still felt nothing,

And that was enough for me to understand the emptiness I live in,

How I wish I could be the object of your ambition.

I shall keep running from myself until the end of time,

Although I still believe that I can walk through fire,

But that does not mean that I will not get burnt,

I can bury everything I have been through,

But that does not mean that you did not exist,

I have not lost desire,

But the heart I had.

And now it hurts in a way I cannot describe,

Almost the inconsolable hurt,

The kind that makes it hard to breathe,

You sprung forward,

And I kept falling back,

But one day you will wash away the grime of my memory,

And feel whole again.