I make myself a freshly prepared cup of coffee every morning, hold it softly in the palms of my hands, hoping it gives me sanity, perspective and the ability to make sense of it all. It's the bitterness of the coffee that I can relate to the most. Another paper cup, another mug, and no matter how much caffeine I pump through my fragile body, I am yet unable to figure it out, that the life I am living is a closed circle of corrupted emotions.
I put on my favorite running shoes, take long walks down the crowded streets of the city with my favorite tunes playing through my ears, another cigarette, another drug running through my veins. I am trembling with anxiety, lost between my past and present, a tangle of emotions, a mess.
I understand now that life is different than what I used to believe, that sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart, as for now all I feel is emptiness all around me, surrounding me tightly, and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. Most of the time I don't know if I should feel happy or sad, I don't know if I feel anything at all.
I put on my favorite running shoes, take long walks down the crowded streets of the city with my favorite tunes playing through my ears, another cigarette, another drug running through my veins. I am trembling with anxiety, lost between my past and present, a tangle of emotions, a mess.
I understand now that life is different than what I used to believe, that sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart, as for now all I feel is emptiness all around me, surrounding me tightly, and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. Most of the time I don't know if I should feel happy or sad, I don't know if I feel anything at all.
Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep I have or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up, my soul is tired. And I am not sure whether I was the only one going through all of this, or if I will snap out of this, if I ever will.
I hate days where nothing happens. They end the same way they began; Nothing has changed, nothing exists to be remembered. Your mind feels dry and uninspired, and all of time just feels pointless. A white box on the calendar, there only so you can tick it off.
I need something different, I don't know what it is, but I need something new. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life. I am ready to grow and get better. To simply exist just because one's been born is the sort of notion that I hate. I can't stand it.
It's getting harder to believe in anything now, it's not the type of tired you can sleep away, you wouldn't understand. I exist too much, I feel too much, think too much. Reality is crushing the life out of me.
I have ruined a lot of things lately, and I don't know how to fix them. I don't blame anyone, I did this to myself, it's my fault, everything is.
