I feel that the train of life has passed me,
I am standing all
alone in an abandoned train station with all the people that have done terrible
things in life; those who have hurt other people, others who have spent their
life taking advantage of others, potheads and dope fiends, and there is me, I am
not sure why I am standing here with those people, I am not a saint, but I am
not sure of what is going on around me, I am lost.
It is dark here,
lonely, everyone is so downhearted, confined to their own secrets, the overall
atmosphere around me is dull, there's not a single cloud in the sky. It is sad,
how all of us here prefer to keep to themselves and not talk to each other, it
is like we all know that no matter what we do, the air of melancholy will still
surround us, and this gloomy black cloud of guilt will always be above our
heads. I do not remember how I got here, I am not sure about anything, I reach
into the pockets of my jacket looking for answers, I find a piece of paper in
my right pocket with a serial of numbers written on it; '50217''; It does not
make any sense.. Or are they supposed to be a code for something I am about to
figure out? I reach for my left pocket to find some pills, some of them fall on
the ground as I try to understand what are they, they are bright red in color,
I have no background in medicine or whatsoever, I swallow one in an attempt to
find out what are they.
I feel energetic,
I feel good all of a sudden, I think it is possible that this 'buzz' is due to
the pill I took a couple of minutes ago, I refuse to believe that, but everyone
are talking to each other, everyone is relatively happy despite the immense
darkness around us, I am starting to believe that there's something inside the
pill I just took, whatever it is, it made me feel happy.. I am not feeling
well, but at the same time, I feel better than I felt few minutes ago when I
first got here.
"You will get
used to it here" - says a raspy voice from the crowd around me. I
take a good look at him, he is tall, with a long white beard, his face is
barely visible underneath the hoodie he is wearing, but his eyes were bloody
red, his clothes are ripped and his shoes were in terrible condition, I ignore
him in attempt to hold my ground and walk away from him in disturbance.
I found an old
wooden chair with one of its legs broken, I grab some rocks from underneath the
railway as I try to sit the chair up straight, it worked... It is not perfect,
but I think it is going to be safe, I lay myself down staring at the ugly black
sky above me, there aren't any stars tonight, I grab that piece of paper again
and try to understand what the numbers mean, I fold it back as I sigh in
disappointment, I close my eyes for few minutes as I try to absorb what is
going around me and have a moment of peace away from the wildness around me.
I wake up to the
drops of rain falling on my miserable face, this time it is raining heavily
through the dull quiet sky, I do not know for how long I have slept, I wipe the
raindrops off my face and look around me for a place to cover myself from this
unexpected visitor, I still haven't understood anything that is going around me
here, it is still my first night here and probably the longest I have ever had,
I look around me and I find a well-lit bright train station, I walk over to the
train station, there is an old metal door that squeaked creepily as I pushed
through it, it is unbelievably warm in here, everyone are inside, except for
that old man that approached me earlier that wrapped a blanket around himself,
I look around me and I notice that everyone around me are lying on the ground,
they are like homeless monsters, soulless monsters, I reach out for my pocket
and swallow another pill, a couple of minutes of loneliness pass and suddenly
everyone is so active again, they are talking to each other again, some are
playing cards, others are smoking a cigarette, it just does not make any sense
to me, I am not sure whether I am dreaming or am I awake, or am I
hallucinating, nothing makes sense to me anymore, the only thing I am sure
about is that there is something about those pills that just changes
everything.
Suddenly, everyone
becomes quiet and they stop whatever they were doing, they look up at me since
I am the only one standing, and they say the phrase: "You will get used
to it here" together over and over, "What do you want from me?"
- I yell in disbelief, everyone stares at me for a minute, then they return to
quietness, they become soulless humans again, I wrap my hands around my head
as I notice that I do not have any hair, it was all shaved recently, I do not
remember having a haircut, I try to escape from the scene I just created, I
walk around the train station looking around for somewhere quiet, I find a
bathroom, it does not really look fancy but I need a couple of minutes to
breathe, I walk inside, it smells like weed in here, I sigh, I walk over to the
sink and I turn on the faucet, water starts to leak slowly over the dirty sink,
I wait until the sink is completely full then I lay my head inside the dirty
cold water as I try to collect my thoughts, my head was completely under the
water, I take no breaths hoping that this was just a nightmare I am having and
I am going to wake up any second in my bed to the sound of my kids as they get
themselves prepared for the first day of school.
All of a sudden, a
nurse walks in nervously, she yells "The patient in room 50217 is trying
to kill himself again!", she pulls my head out from the sink, and a group
of sophisticated doctors and their nurses surround me, they put on a
straitjacket on me and lay me down on a bed forcefully, one of the doctors gave
me some drugs through my arm as I lay down trying to resist, it is so bright
now, I feel like the sun is right above me, I close my eyes and as I am falling
asleep under the effect of the drugs a nurse smiles at me and says: "You
haven't been taking your drugs, Mr. J.", "You know you should take
your drugs to get better", I do not get the chance to reply as I fell
asleep peacefully.
I wake up few
hours later to find myself alone in a room, there is no longer a train station,
no magic pills, no one around me, just me in a hospital room, it turns
that after all, I am a monster, just like them, just like everyone else, a
soulless hopeless man in an eternal isolation. I am waiting for a train, a
train that will take me far away, I know where I hope the train will take me,
but I can't be sure, yet it does not matter.
